I NEVER WANTED TO BE LIKE MY FATHER

My Dad Set My Pet Bird Free and I Hated Him for That

I wish he had told me why

I only have a few memories of my dad and me together when I was young, and they’re unpleasant.

Whenever I saw those colored birds in the market, I would always nudge Mom to get me one. Until one day Mom bought me the bird together with its cage, and food.

Mom told me to take care of it. The following day, it was gone.

It took many days before I found out that Dad set the bird free. I was six years old.

Being the only boy in the family, I thought I would be his favorite, cherished, and would have all the great father and son moments I saw on television and in the movies.

None of that happened.

I knew Mom cherished me. With Dad, it was different, and I craved his attention but never received it. None of us did.

None of my five siblings, all girls, became Dad’s favorite.

When my parents separated when I was twelve, I stopped craving his attention. The love I felt for him easily turned to hate.

It would take me many years before I understood my Dad. It wasn’t an easy journey. I don’t hate him anymore, especially after I accepted who he is. Like most of us, he had to sort himself out.

When my parents separated, it would take many months before I saw Dad. One day, he showed up and told me we were going to watch a billiards game. Later, I found out he was producing the billiard tournament with his friends.

The billiard player became a world champion, Efren Reyes. It was the last ace in my Dad’s sleeve — if that TV show did well, he could recoup his losses from his failed business. Instead, nothing came up from that show.

Dad hit rock bottom.

I was already working when I saw Dad again, and it was in a hospital. He got sick, and it was the first time I saw him weak.

I had mixed feelings when I saw him, how someone like him ended up with nothing, or that was how I thought of him.

I promised myself that I would not end up like him.

I put a lot of the blame on my Dad for the hardships that followed after my parents separated.

Life became hard. Life became sad.

One day we found out that Dad, who was staying with his sister for years, was into photography.

It was a shift from who he was. He was a businessman and I always remembered him nicely dressed up as he went to his office every day. But as a photographer, he looked different. He was wearing khaki pants, a cap, and rubber shoes. He also had a camera wrapped around his neck.

Later, we learned that Dad won the grand prize in a photography contest. The prize money was huge, but I don’t think we saw a dime from it. He shared it with the people who were with him when he took the winning shot.

As always, his family came second.

And that would be Dad through the years, we would see him each year for a family reunion during Christmas and he would always be in a hurry to leave.

In my memories of him, he is always he was in a rush. As soon as he came to the house, he’d immediately tell us he had to leave in an hour because of a photo shoot. I’d never heard him ask if we were okay.

One day, I just quit on him.

I promised myself I would never be like him.

Photography

I hit rock bottom in my 30s. I had been dealing with depression throughout my life.

One day, I went to visit Dad in his office who by this time had established himself in the local photography scene. He pioneered photography workshops at a time when there was no other way to learn photography except from books or studying abroad.

I told him I wanted to take his workshops and become a photographer.

It was one of the few times I saw Dad look happy.

In the months that followed I would always be at his office, and one day he asked me to do an errand for him. I had to get a package from a guy. I didn't know what it was until he asked me to open it up and when I opened the box, it was a digital camera.

He looked at me and said it was mine.

I cried, hugged him, and said thank you. I remembered the hug was short, as it made Dad uncomfortable.

Because of photography I later became a cruise photographer and traveled the world.

I became my Dad.

Through the years, we would still have disagreements. There were years when I stopped talking to Dad or he would stop talking to me.

I would play back everything that happened in the past, the growing up years, their separation, and why he set my pet bird free when I was six years old.

I never asked him why he did that to my bird.

During the pandemic, Mom was on her deathbed. I would fetch Dad to see Mom for a few hours. Although he wasn’t in a hurry anymore, he still wanted to go back to his office where he slept.

When Mom finally said goodbye, Dad rushed to be by our side. I still remember how he tightly hugged my eldest sister.

He also asked each one of us if we were okay.

Until the day we buried Mom, Dad didn't leave her side. It was the longest they had been together. I know Mom was thrilled in the afterlife as she never stopped loving Dad.

On one of those nights during the wake where I stayed with Dad, I then understood why he set my pet bird free.

No one should be caged to keep them safe. A bird should be up in the sky to fly and spread their wings.

And I fully understood why even after their separation, Mom never stopped loving Dad or that they remained friends.

Because Mom set Dad free.

Mom knew she had to let Dad go no matter how painful it was for her, or despite the hardships it would mean for all of us because Dad had to find himself.

If they stayed together, Dad wouldn't have found his passion for photography.

It was what made Dad happy.

Today, as much as I want to spend more time with Dad, I am still finding my way to navigate life without Mom.

The pandemic had been hard for my Dad. He lost his photography school. And recently he lost his mobility so he had to be in a wheelchair

I know even without him saying a word, he feels trapped in his wheelchair; like my pet bird he once set free.

Thank you for reading.