My Dad Committed Suicide Before Our 4th of July Celebration

I just want to get right to the point but it is not that easy. On July 4th, 2013 at 9:00 am my dad shot himself. I would have never, in any of my nightmares, imagined that I would experience such a tragedy.

When I was 18 months old, I was adopted by my paternal grandfather. From the moment he took me in, he became my dad.

I called him pop. After raising 4 children of his own, he began to party and live a dangerous lifestyle. Drinking and partying did not slow down even though he became the father of a young child, once again. Almost a decade later, he adopted my full blood sister who is 10 years younger than me.

I grew up in bars and in a fast-paced lifestyle. My dad was a retired police officer, he also retired from the park district and he was a bartender for many years. Although he drank a lot, I always remember him being incredibly happy. I absolutely loved doing everything with him.

Eventually, he got older and stayed home on our ranch more often. He loved sitting on the porch and drinking his beer. Every day, he would sit in his chair and watch the sunset. He would tell me how incredibly lucky he was to have us and have the life he lived. Sometimes, alcohol would make him more emotional. I truly believe that he was thankful for his life.

When I was 17 years old, I left for the Navy and I was stationed clear across the United States. I traveled the world and my visits home became few and far between. I loved being home but every time I left to go back to the military, it seemed like I would see my pops deteriorate even more. The drinking was out of control. He was in his late 70s, diabetic and so fragile. Yet, the drinking continued. Although he was an alcoholic, he never expressed that he hated his life or that he wanted to end it.

I completed 2 tours in the Navy and ended my service in 2013. One day, I received a call from my uncle. He begged me to come home and visit for fathers day. I declined and said I was too busy. He called again and said, this was my last chance to spend Father's day with my pops. I figured he was trying to make me feel guilty but I decided to make the drive from Amarillo, Texas to the San Bernadino mountains in California. I showed up at the ranch and took a long look at my pops. This is the first time I had seen him in years. There was nothing left of him. Skin, bones, and happiness were all I could see. He was so happy to see me that he cried. I even cried.

We spent an incredible Father’s Day together and my birth father (his son) showed up. Everyone was there and my pops was so happy. He begged me not to go back to Amarillo. He wanted me to stay home. He needed more help than my stepmom and my sister could provide. He told me numerous times that I needed to take care of my sister, who was 15 at the time.

I agreed to stay for 2 more weeks. I took him to doctor's appointments and I managed to squeeze in some visits to some old friends whom I haven't seen in 5 or 6 years. My pops was still drinking and he was so emotional during the time that I was there. I figured it was because of the alcohol. He was so persistent in getting me to stay home. I decided to sneak out one night and go visit some friends. I stayed out overnight but I planned on being back early the next day because we had plans to attend my uncles 4th of July BBQ.

On July 4th, 2013 I woke up to a missed call from my 15-year-old sister. I called her back and she was crying hysterically. She told me, “Pop shot himself.” My first thought was that he was cleaning his gun and this was an accident. I thought he will be okay and we will get him some help. I asked her if he was okay and she told me he was laying in the driveway. My stepmom had gone to the store and was not answering her phone. I drove home as fast as I could.

I pulled up the driveway and I saw him there. I was so numb and still, for some reason thought that he would be okay. That was until I saw my sister. She told me that he said he was sorry and that he loved her. That is when he went outside and shot himself.

Earlier that day, he was in town getting a newspaper and he told the lady at the counter that he wished that his daughter Diane would have stayed home more. That is me, I am Diane. Almost 7 years later, I am still filled with guilt. It hurts a little less now but it still hurts.

Every July 4th, I am reminded even more of the pain. I will never truly understand why he did it and why he chose that day. I blamed myself for many years but in the past few years, I have tried to get over the blame. Ironically, I was a suicide prevention training officer while I was in the Navy. I never would have thought that this would happen to me.

I am here to tell you that if someone you know or love has an addiction to drugs or alcohol, please let them know how much you love them. Get them the help they need. Spend time with people you love, even if it is tough. Try Alcoholics Anonymous https://www.aa.org/

Mental health is overlooked and it is difficult to realize that some people need help. Actually, most people need help. That is okay! If you need help, please visit the Suicide Prevention Hotline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I had a tough few years after everything happened. I was able to pull through because I found a love for nature. I hike almost every day or at least enjoy the outdoors. Nature gives me peace and it has truly helped me forgive myself. I was angry for a long time because of the trauma that my Pop caused my little sister. Nature has helped me forgive him also. I have learned to meditate in nature and I am now at peace.