WE ARE STRONGER THAN WE KNOW

My Cron’s Collapse — Standing Up Stronger Than Ever

How facing Cron’s disease during a world pandemic helped me find strength I never knew I had

Any chronic disease is tough to live with. I was diagnosed with Chron’s disease about a year and a half ago, just before the pandemic hit. I realize I am not the only one.

According to the CDC, millions of people worldwide suffer from this disease. “In 2015, an estimated 1.3% of US adults (3 million) reported being diagnosed with IBD (either Crohn’s disease or ulcerative colitis.) This was an enormous increase from 1999- (0.9% or 2 million adults).” What is more staggering, is that these statistics are for Chron’s disease only. Chronic illnesses are the leading causes of death and disability in the U.S. today.

But even when you are among millions, it is all too easy to feel as though you are the only one.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn’t quite grasp the concept of having an illness that would not go away with antibiotics, or some other sort of medication. Or that this was an illness that would stay with me for the rest of my life. My doctor prescribed me various medications, and I expected to feel like I always had. Only that didn’t happen.

What I ended up getting was much more than I ever could have expected.

Chron’s vs. Covid vs. Myself

Before COVID-19 entered the scene, all scans, bloodwork, and doctor appointments moved along with “relative ease.” When dealing with medical diagnostics, it went about as fast as things can go…

It seemed like I was working towards something positive. Things were looking up. Then, in March 2020, everything came to a screeching halt. A scheduled CT scan canceled. Doctor appointments canceled. Next came virtual appointments. Before I knew it, I was exhausted every moment of every day, with stomach pains raging, and virtually no appetite.

I lost 42 lbs in just three months and was still working full time. Worries, stress, and questions plagued my mind every single day.

How can I continue working at this pace? How will I support myself if I can’t work? Will I ever feel well again? By August 2020, I was on a run-a-way train, and it was speeding down a steep hill faster than I could fully comprehend.

On The Road To Somewhere

It was August 10th. An otherwise bright and beautiful day. One of those days where the sky is as blue as blue could ever possibly be. I had been at work for a few hours, and then, late morning, it hit me.

Complete and utter exhaustion. Stomach pains. Dizziness. For the very first time in the four years I had been working there, I simply could not continue with my workday. Something was not right. With no other options, I decided to go to the Emergency Room. So, down the road and off to the races I went.

After 8 hours, two IV bags of fluids, potassium, bloodwork, medications, and one COVID test later, medical staff deemed me fit to be discharged home. They gave me strict instructions to contact my doctor the very next day, and then off I went. I had this “yucky” feeling as I left the hospital. I really don’t know how else to describe it, but I felt deep within my very being, that all was not well.

Once I arrived home and began walking up to my driveway, something overcame me, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I needed to lie down, perhaps sooner than was immediately possible.

Focusing on each step, I will myself. Just make it up the driveway and down the steps. Everything will be OK after a little rest and recuperation. One step at a time. You can do this! Finally, I make it to my little basement apartment, fling open the door and step inside.

This is the last thing I can remember about that day.

Collapse

Sometime well over a day later, I return to consciousness as I know it. I am face down on the floor. My face imprinted into the carpet. But I do not remember falling down.

Though I do remember something else. Wild and vivid dreams with colors of purple and blue spiraling around each other, a magical sight. And of my Dad, who died ten years ago, instructing me to get up off the floor!

The sound of my apartment door unlocking and two familiar voices snap me back to reality. It is a close friend from work, as well as my landlord. Wondering what on earth has happened to me? Why am I not answering their frantic messages?

They stand me up and whisk me back to the emergency room. Later, after a hospital stay, I am ordered to take time off from work. My all too recent worries and fears have now become my reality.

Standing Back Up

It has taken me some time to return to some sort of normalcy. For months afterward, I suffered from terrible anxiety when falling asleep at night, fearing I might never wake up. But then, something truly amazing happened.

I started to see things differently.

I realized Chron’s disease is not the end. That I have to go with the natural flow of all things.

I started resting instead of worrying.

I went for long walks along the lake and started to see exactly how much beauty is in everything. The water. The trees. The people walking by me. The squirrels running around in the grass. Love. Sweet childhood memories. Life.

I learned to love my own self, and not only other people.

I learned to go easier on myself. To give myself a break more often than not.

I also learned something about suffering. Suffering is like existing in this space between what you want, and what you actually have. Accepting where you are at is the very first step forward.

There is so much depth in the meaning of acceptance, and so much beauty in having that knowledge.

There is the physical part of us, but then there is the mental part too — it is interconnected. Now, more than ever, I realize the true importance of this balance.

We are stronger on the inside than we could ever know. I did not know how strong I actually was until I had no choice but to be strong. Everything we need is within us already.

One step at a time, one day at a time, is all we can ever do in this life.