Free AI web copilot to create summaries, insights and extended knowledge, download it at here

1985

Abstract

t was really expensive.</p><p id="8c7f">I was given the near-impossible decision, do I replace the roof or do I pay my mortgage, to be clear, my home is small by many standards. I decided to replace the roof and this left with me a total of $66 in total in my bank accounts. This also meant I fell behind on my mortgage and had to figure out how to make up the difference with a failing business.</p><h2 id="e1c2">Driving</h2><p id="a180">I sold my 10+-year-old car, borrowed$ 3000 from a friend and bought a newer car with the combined money, and started driving in the evenings and weekends for a popular rideshare organization.</p><p id="19e7">Initially, I enjoyed it but after a while, I grew to loath it. The number of hours you had to put in, especially when you factor in their fees, wear and tear on the car, and my body, I wasn’t making much about minimum wage. But it allowed me to keep my house and keep my business on life support until I turned it around.</p><p id="4644">I’d do it again if I had to. After being homeless at 16 in London, with no money, no family, I’ll do damn near anything to keep a roof over my head as long as it’s legal.</p><h2 id="d42f">Tennessee</h2><p id="8e74">Thankfully around this time, I met someone quite by chance that I credit with changing, no, saving my life by ultimately saving my business.</p><p id="6e4c">He introduced me to a marketing company in Nashville that helps promote my type of business. He also helped me turn my business around by radically changing the direction of the business. I’ll be forever thankful to him. I’m happy to say we’ve become good friends over the years.</p><h2 id="c41f">Limited success</h2><p id="ae03">Since meeting him and joining this organization I’ve been able to turn my business around and make enough money to have a comfortable life. I’ve also put all the pieces in place to get my business to the next level. Put another way, I’m on the edge of being successful by just about any metrics.</p

Options

<h2 id="32f9">Self-sabotage</h2><p id="9e77">Why am I not more successful since I’ve been with this organization for over 4 years now. In short, it comes down to fear and self-sabotage. Fear of failure is there as it would be for most, I’m human and this is normal. In fact, the definition of courage is being scared but doing it anyway.</p><p id="d519">But rather my fear of success is much bigger. Both because it means I have to ‘show up’ every single day, but also it addresses my biggest fears of all.</p><p id="7913">I am not good enough and I’m a fraud. Sure you can say this is imposter syndrome and I’d agree on some level, but it’s much more.</p><p id="6555">My clients all give me raving reviews, but all I can focus on is I’m one mistake, one bad decision from everything collapsing around me, I get sued, lose everything including my reputation which I work so hard to maintain.</p><h2 id="d022">Sports news</h2><p id="c231">So I’m sitting here watching sports news and writing this blog post instead of working in and on my business.</p><p id="aa30">Instead, when I mute the tv I’m feeling fear, the fear that gets masked by the sports news. I’m fearful that I’ve exhausted all options at this stage and just have to do the work, but am almost paralyzed by fear.</p><h2 id="5893">Boundaries</h2><p id="c632">Perhaps it comes from a lack of boundaries. Having pretty much raised myself from a very early age and dealing with an emotionless grandiose narcissist as a parent, I was never taught boundaries, other than whatever I do, it’s never good enough.</p><p id="8f74">So yes, I have a crippling fear of success but am aware of it. Hopefully, this means I can someday soon conquer it and feel equal to the task.</p><p id="93f9"><b><i>Documenting my stories is not easy but helps me and I hope it can help some other lost soul. Help me raise awareness for mental health by hitting that follow button and giving me a clap. Thank you so much!!!</i></b></p></article></body>

My crippling fear of success

It’s real!

For the last few years I’ve been stuck, feeling like I’m treading water all because I’m in survival mode.

It is the morning after the Rams beat the Bengals in the Superbowl and I’m once again watching the sports news instead of working on my business. Sure I’m responding to client needs, but not doing anything to secure my business beyond that, certainly not doing anything that could help me retire.

Why does success scare me?

In a nutshell, it’s this. Failure is easy, you simply give up doing what you are doing. It’s so much easier to just stop, failure is always there to greet you.

Success on the other hand takes hard work, and there’s always someone bigger, smarter, faster, younger, richer, and more competitive than you just waiting to supplant you.

Then guess what, you have to wake up again tomorrow and do it all over again and it’s so tiring, especially when you’re using every bit of energy to make it through the day, which as a cPTSD survivor, is every day for me.

A brief history

I started my business in 2003, in a recession, and have survived two additional recessions. I’ve been fortunate along the way to meet a few people that have helped steer my direction into one of success.

Around 2014 or 2015 my business was failing really badly. My old run-down home was starting to fail and my roof was leaking in three different places. I got some quotes on replacing the roof and for me, it was really expensive.

I was given the near-impossible decision, do I replace the roof or do I pay my mortgage, to be clear, my home is small by many standards. I decided to replace the roof and this left with me a total of $66 in total in my bank accounts. This also meant I fell behind on my mortgage and had to figure out how to make up the difference with a failing business.

Driving

I sold my 10+-year-old car, borrowed $3000 from a friend and bought a newer car with the combined money, and started driving in the evenings and weekends for a popular rideshare organization.

Initially, I enjoyed it but after a while, I grew to loath it. The number of hours you had to put in, especially when you factor in their fees, wear and tear on the car, and my body, I wasn’t making much about minimum wage. But it allowed me to keep my house and keep my business on life support until I turned it around.

I’d do it again if I had to. After being homeless at 16 in London, with no money, no family, I’ll do damn near anything to keep a roof over my head as long as it’s legal.

Tennessee

Thankfully around this time, I met someone quite by chance that I credit with changing, no, saving my life by ultimately saving my business.

He introduced me to a marketing company in Nashville that helps promote my type of business. He also helped me turn my business around by radically changing the direction of the business. I’ll be forever thankful to him. I’m happy to say we’ve become good friends over the years.

Limited success

Since meeting him and joining this organization I’ve been able to turn my business around and make enough money to have a comfortable life. I’ve also put all the pieces in place to get my business to the next level. Put another way, I’m on the edge of being successful by just about any metrics.

Self-sabotage

Why am I not more successful since I’ve been with this organization for over 4 years now. In short, it comes down to fear and self-sabotage. Fear of failure is there as it would be for most, I’m human and this is normal. In fact, the definition of courage is being scared but doing it anyway.

But rather my fear of success is much bigger. Both because it means I have to ‘show up’ every single day, but also it addresses my biggest fears of all.

I am not good enough and I’m a fraud. Sure you can say this is imposter syndrome and I’d agree on some level, but it’s much more.

My clients all give me raving reviews, but all I can focus on is I’m one mistake, one bad decision from everything collapsing around me, I get sued, lose everything including my reputation which I work so hard to maintain.

Sports news

So I’m sitting here watching sports news and writing this blog post instead of working in and on my business.

Instead, when I mute the tv I’m feeling fear, the fear that gets masked by the sports news. I’m fearful that I’ve exhausted all options at this stage and just have to do the work, but am almost paralyzed by fear.

Boundaries

Perhaps it comes from a lack of boundaries. Having pretty much raised myself from a very early age and dealing with an emotionless grandiose narcissist as a parent, I was never taught boundaries, other than whatever I do, it’s never good enough.

So yes, I have a crippling fear of success but am aware of it. Hopefully, this means I can someday soon conquer it and feel equal to the task.

Documenting my stories is not easy but helps me and I hope it can help some other lost soul. Help me raise awareness for mental health by hitting that follow button and giving me a clap. Thank you so much!!!