Humor is the best medicine

My Completed Ballot Made Me Sick

As I inserted my ballot into the machine, I began to cough and choke

All I did was obediently fill out my ballot. Then I obediently waited in line to insert my ballot into the little machine.

As my ballot disappeared into regions unknown never to be seen again, suddenly I began to cough.

Under my mask of course!

It wasn’t like a little cough either. It was that great big, huge, I’m going to die at any moment cough. Eyes watering, can’t breathe. Here I come Martha, I’m heading for you.

Wait, I’m not even married to Martha! Why the hell am I thinking about Martha when I’m getting ready to die at the polling place?

The struggle became worse. I knew everybody was staring at me, thinking the worst of me.

That man has the corona! Ban him from the universe! Lock him up before he infects the rest of us!

I can scientifically confirm that masks work after this little incident. The inside of my mask is FULL of droplets!

Droplets of God only knows what, infecting me over and over again as I helplessly now lie on the floor of the polling place, slowly dying!

As I lay on my side, I see a nice pair of Oxfords float into my ever decreasing vision. Nice shoes, highly polished. Must be somebody important.

As my hearing goes in and out, I believe I hear this very nice, but stern person say something quite interesting.

“Excuse me sir,” the voice behind the Oxfords says.

“You’re going to have to roll yourself out the door. We can have no dying on the floor of the polling place.”

I slowly crawl out the door, knowing my reign on this earth as the Supreme Running Lizard is at an end.

I identify as a lizard, after all.

Some days when I am feeling fast while running, I identify as a cheetah. Those days are rare. More often, I identify as a tortoise.

Today, however, I identify as the Supreme Running Lizard. And I’m dying on the floor of the polling center. And being told to take my dying outside.

Where’s the compassion?!?!

I finally reach the door and crawl out onto the lawn.

Laying there with ten billion people waiting in line to vote for His Majesty, the President of the Dis-United Democracies of America formerly known as the United States of America, billions of people are watching me slowly die.

All because I voted. Why, oh God why?

Suddenly it hits me!

Maybe this is what happens when you fill out your ballot for the wrong candidate!

Who the hell did I vote for anyway?

I lay in the grass, coughing into my completely soaked mask. Damn droplets!

My ballot begins to float in front of my eyes. Did I really just vote for who I think I just voted for?

Could this be the reason I am going to die right here on the lawn of the polling place?

Yeegats (which I have strangely found that Grammarly doesn’t recognize as a word)! I have destroyed my reign on this planet as the Supreme Running Lizard simply because I failed to vote for the right candidate.

Maybe I should have taken this a little more seriously?

After all, Sukiyama Shibapants is a dog and probably not qualified to be president, vice president, senator, and representative.

I should have voted for my damn cat like last time.

Then I wouldn’t have this horrible fur ball stuck in my throat and wouldn’t be lying here dying!

Oh well, there’s always 2024!