My Cervical Vertigo And Panic Disorder (Chapter 6)
Let Me Live My Life
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“Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?”-Rumi
I was playing the song on repeat. The lyrics were simple yet meaningful. The production was atmospheric; it was inspiring and full of grandeur. The song even brought me to tears once.
When I needed it most, it presented itself.
On a slightly overcast day, with looks that it may storm, I walked home along the famous Brisbane boardwalk. I’d gotten the call a couple weeks prior that I’d gotten the job at a bar directly across from my old work. I would be a dishy/bar-back again at the live music bar, Brooklyn Standard.
From day one I loved it. My coworkers were awesome, I had another kickass manager, and the weekends were a blast.
However, two of my closest friends outside of the service industry were pushing me to experience more.
They were very aware that I had basically been bound to the city and had never experienced all that Australia had to offer.
“It would be a shame if you spent all this time here and never saw more than the city,” they would say.
A couple of Brazilian buddies, that I had worked with at Blackbird, were planning a trip up the Queensland Coast and asked me if I was interested. They were in the same boat as me — didn’t want to leave without seeing much of what the country had to offer.
I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place.
I was slowly getting out of my funk, as I had just gotten the new job, and didn’t want to put it in jeopardy. I felt like I could easily get replaced.
The buddy who I was living with, one of the ones who was pushing me to go on this trip, said that I could delay payments on rent if I were to go.
I had two choices really: pay my rent and stay or come back from the trip broke.
That led me to that overcast day in early March of 2018. My anxiety was still incredible due to an enormous chemical and neurotransmitter imbalance and the fear of having a debilitating panic attack sometime during the two-week expedition had me wanting to stay in my safety cocoon.
“Don’t tell me it’s all in my mind, in my mind…”
Was it telling me that all of this sh*t was just in my mind? A figment of my imagination and negative thoughts? Did I need to let go? Did I need to fight it? Did I need to dive right in?
“Let me live my life. Let me live my life. Let me live my life…”
It started to sprinkle. I wanted the raindrops to wash away my fears and my hesitancy. I wanted to “live my life”. I wanted to be free of the shackles that kept me in the prison of my mind. There was a whole world out there and I had this one chance to see it. I may never get the chance again. “My Life” by Zhu and Tame Impala was telling me to “go”.
I packed my suitcase.
Make sure to stay tuned for Chapter 7 coming soon!