My Cervical Vertigo and Panic Disorder (Chapter 2)
(Make sure to read Chapter 1 first)
It can be hard talking about this stuff. You feel weak and as if your body has a ridiculous malfunction that no one else has. Of course, that’s not the truth. Everyone has a “fight or flight” mechanism that protects us life’s sabertooth tigers. But then again, yours seems to be much more sensitive than others.
OMAHA TO KANSAS CITY
I dated a girl from Nebraska in college. During our times dating we would take turns driving to our respective home city. This was one of those times.
I was up in Omaha for the weekend and out of the blue she told me, “I need some space.” This was my first real relationship so naturally I took it hard. I couldn’t fathom what she said and I didn’t understand why and how it had come to that point. She said I was “smothering her” when all I thought I was doing was being a good boyfriend. She told me she would call me with her “verdict” in a couple of days as to our future.
I was gutted.
The drive back home was not great. I had plenty of time to think, which to this day I’m not sure if it was helpful or hindering. Was I getting to far into my head or was I processing my emotions like I should have been?
From I-29 outside of Council Bluffs to the I-435 junction I was fine. Sad, but in control. But as soon as I veered south onto I-435 I started to feel different. My clammy hands started to shake and my heart began beating heavy. I had only felt this once before and it was in the damn MRI tube.
Then I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I had to take the first exit I could, Exit 24. I pulled over on the off ramp, got out, and tried to shake it off, whatever it was. The early afternoon, summer sun was warmth to my body and my mind. It didn’t take but five minutes before I had come back down to earth. I got back in my Toyota Corolla and finished the three hour drive home.
What I didn’t realize had happened, was my brain took a snapshot of that moment and stored it deep down, dooming me for the future. In youth and in early adulthood, your brain is still pretty “plastic” up until about twenty-five years of age. What I mean by plastic, is that it is still developing and neurons are firing and wiring, creating pathways that are meant to protect you in life. If “A” happens then “B’s” program runs, equalling “C’s” physiological response.
For instance, when we are young, we are taught to be wary of strangers, especially those who are offering a ride, candy, or anything else to lure us in. That is ingrained deep into our subconscious so that we don’t fall victim to kidnapping. So when a stranger does indeed come up and offers you a ride home, our primal instinct kicks in telling us to “fight, flight, or, freeze”. That is a great instinct to have growing up and to pass onto our children.
But what happens if you are taught something is a threat when in all reality, it isn’t? It can be incredibly counterproductive. Neurons may fire and wire together and tell us that something is harmful and to steer clear, when indeed it normally isn’t.
In this instance, the screenshot that was taken on that beautiful summer day told my amygdala, that driving = bad…
“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” — Epictetus
