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Abstract

never my hosts bleach anything I like to sniff it and roll around in it. It’s like a special treat.<figure id="1bdb"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*Iagikp7GuTiO50_ftbZxWA.png"><figcaption>This surface is so clean, I could eat my dinner off of it. Speaking of which, where’s my dinner? Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure>Rating: 4 stars (one star deducted for the scary vacuum cleaner)<h2 id="bbb6">How are the facilities?</h2>Atrocious. The bathroom is shared for one thing — I would have preferred an ensuite. The humans are constantly going in there and shutting the door behind them so I can’t see what’s going on. What are they up to in there?!<figure id="a84c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*H-EMSaa2OXQD9i6NEoOp7A.jpeg"><figcaption>Plus, they’re always intruding on me in here! Can’t a cat get some peace? Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure>I also do not appear to have been provided with my own key. The other guests, and indeed my hosts themselves seem to be able to come and go as they please, but when I very politely scratch the carpet in front of the door they just say “no” and “naughty kitty”.As a compromise, and after much insistence on my part, I have been provided with a novel form of transport for exploring the world outside, if only accompanied by my hosts:<figure id="04f1"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*uqmzM_j9YrZK2862R_EHFQ.png"><figcaption>I was enjoying this more than it appears. Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure>The decor could also be improved.<figure id="45ef"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*_X-_nflZ78CQK2awkac7Gg.png"><figcaption>This cheesy light just HAS to go. Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure>At least they have the good grace to leave the TV set on my favourite channel.<figure id="3d83"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*vbWeONT7UR9T

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jrnxmH994Q.png"><figcaption>This is my favourite show! Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure>Rating: 1 star. And that’s being generous.<h2 id="55c1">How well do you sleep at your accommodation?</h2>I must say, it took them a long time to get this right. The sofa is very comfortable, but much like the bathroom, I have to share it.<figure id="cc79"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*2ub_EQPnvAgoezAqrnZXhw.png"><figcaption>She steals all the covers too. Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure>I have similar issues when I try to snooze on the bed:<figure id="66ab"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*JATHNTjghD_3RMWWVLIHpQ.png"><figcaption>There is no personal space in this house. Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure>It’s not like my hosts haven’t tried — in fact, they’ve gone above and beyond. They have bought me several of my own private beds, but none met my exacting standards.That is, until now! Finally, I have the luxury bed I deserve, nay, demand:<figure id="827b"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*muqlRp2tPcbvRwEbadWEuA.png"><figcaption>It even has privacy curtains! Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure>Rating: 4 stars<h2 id="ef0b">How is breakfast?</h2>Late, in a word. Consistently. I have made it clear several times that I expect my bowl to be refilled by 5 am sharp, but it’s never here before 7 am if I’m lucky.You just can’t get the staff these days.<figure id="667f"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*m4_MSJ5X57gptBwKlpwavA.png"><figcaption>Sometimes I have to resort to stealing scraps. Author’s photo.</figcaption></figure>Rating: 2 starsOverall, I feel I have been misled — far from being 5-star luxury, this is a 2-star establishment at best. I want my money back. Wait…what do you mean I don’t pay you anything?</article></body>

Cats

My Cat Reviews Her Stay in My Accommodation

“This is a two-star establishment at best. I want my money back.”

Welcome, human. We need to discuss your performance vis-a-vis the number of Dreamies you are providing because it is lacking. Author’s photo.

Inspired by TV’s ‘Four In ABed’, I questioned my cat on her experience in her present accommodation. All answers by Eva the Cat, as told to the author.

How are the hosts at your accommodation?

Very enthusiastic. In fact, as time has worn on, it’s become a little bit much.

They are constantly stroking me or picking me up and cuddling me. I note with interest that they do not do this to the other, human guests — it seems unfair that I am discriminated against just for being smaller. Do I not also have autonomy?

Even worse, once there was a costume. Dear Cod, the costume! I don’t know what ‘Christmas’ is exactly, but if this is what it entails, I can say I’m not a fan.

Everyone does take the time every day to tell me how pretty I am though. Even the other guests! I like that, so that earns them another star, I reckon.

Rating: 2 stars

How clean is your accommodation?

It’s generally okay. I spill quite a lot of food crumbs on the floor, but I am happy to clean this up myself — the vacuum cleaner, the one they call Henry, is very scary!

The surfaces are regularly cleaned which I appreciate because I love the smell of bleach. Whenever my hosts bleach anything I like to sniff it and roll around in it. It’s like a special treat.

This surface is so clean, I could eat my dinner off of it. Speaking of which, where’s my dinner? Author’s photo.

Rating: 4 stars (one star deducted for the scary vacuum cleaner)

How are the facilities?

Atrocious. The bathroom is shared for one thing — I would have preferred an ensuite. The humans are constantly going in there and shutting the door behind them so I can’t see what’s going on. What are they up to in there?!

Plus, they’re always intruding on me in here! Can’t a cat get some peace? Author’s photo.

I also do not appear to have been provided with my own key. The other guests, and indeed my hosts themselves seem to be able to come and go as they please, but when I very politely scratch the carpet in front of the door they just say “no” and “naughty kitty”.

As a compromise, and after much insistence on my part, I have been provided with a novel form of transport for exploring the world outside, if only accompanied by my hosts:

I was enjoying this more than it appears. Author’s photo.

The decor could also be improved.

This cheesy light just HAS to go. Author’s photo.

At least they have the good grace to leave the TV set on my favourite channel.

This is my favourite show! Author’s photo.

Rating: 1 star. And that’s being generous.

How well do you sleep at your accommodation?

I must say, it took them a long time to get this right. The sofa is very comfortable, but much like the bathroom, I have to share it.

She steals all the covers too. Author’s photo.

I have similar issues when I try to snooze on the bed:

There is no personal space in this house. Author’s photo.

It’s not like my hosts haven’t tried — in fact, they’ve gone above and beyond. They have bought me several of my own private beds, but none met my exacting standards.

That is, until now! Finally, I have the luxury bed I deserve, nay, demand:

It even has privacy curtains! Author’s photo.

Rating: 4 stars

How is breakfast?

Late, in a word. Consistently. I have made it clear several times that I expect my bowl to be refilled by 5 am sharp, but it’s never here before 7 am if I’m lucky.

You just can’t get the staff these days.

Sometimes I have to resort to stealing scraps. Author’s photo.

Rating: 2 stars

Overall, I feel I have been misled — far from being 5-star luxury, this is a 2-star establishment at best. I want my money back. Wait…what do you mean I don’t pay you anything?