Pets

Give Me My Cat Treats Now — Or The MAC Gets It

He knows the keyboard shortcuts on my MacBook Pro

“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are God. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are God.” — Christopher Hitchen

The Inciting Incident

I was down for a few days after my second COVID-19 vaccination. One of my cats, Dark, stayed faithfully by my side the entire time, lying next to me and comforting me. I thought it was because he loved me. Boy, was I wrong! It turns out that every time my spouse brought me in a cup of soup or a glass of juice, he also brought a treat for the cat. The cat was getting extra goodies besides his regularly scheduled treats.

I got better in a few days and headed to the computer to write; Dark followed me. He sat on my desk. After a few hours, the cat walked over and bumped his head against mine, his dark brown eyes looking directly into mine. He had a frown on his face. “Where are my treats,” he said. I blinked. “It is not the time for your treat,” I told him.

The cat stood up and walked across my keyboard, putting 100 percent signs in the middle of my writing. There would have been more percent signs, but I lifted him off the keyboard. “Yes, it is,” he said. “I get a treat for existing in the same space as you do.”

“No, you don’t,” I told him.

Catmail, I mean Blackmail

Dark jumped back up to the keyboard. Somehow his little paws touched the command and the W keys at the same time. Damn it. He closed the window I was working on. When I reopened the window, my work was gone. On-screen was the spinning “color wheel of death.” WTH! I thought I had the autosave on. I had the autosave on; so, when had Dark turned off my autosave?

“Treat,” said the cat. “No, I said.” I’m not giving in to blackmail. “If I give you a treat now, I’ll have to give you a treat at this time every day until you or I die.”

“Give me a treat,” he threatened. “Or you’ll see the spinning pinwheel of death again.” His cat eyes sparkled with delight.

Dark hopped up on my lap, wrapping himself around my arm. I couldn’t type. I tried to shake him off, but he wouldn’t move; Dark was hanging on as if my arm were stuffed full of catnip. He did not dig his claws into me, just wrapping his arms and legs around me and holding on for dear life. I called my husband to help me. Together we peeled Dark off my arm. My spouse looked at me and said, “Why was the cat attached to your arm?” “He told me he wants extra treats,” I said. One side of my husband’s mouth went up, “He told you?” he said. “Yes,” I said. My spouse turned, shook his head, and walked away. The cats never talk to him the way they talk to me. He doesn’t believe me.

The Winning Moves

Dark was still in the room. He hopped back on the desk. “Don’t make me do it,” he said. “You are not getting a treat,” I said as I scrambled to move my tea and toast off the desk, “Oh no, you don’t.” Dark laughed as he pulled the display plug out of my Mac; it went dark. His little teeth nibbled lightly at the cable. Noooooo! If that connector is damaged. I’m out of business. “Stop,” I said. “Stop.” You win.

I gave the cat a treat. That day and every day since at that same time. Damn cat. He never did actually love me.

Inspired by Susan Brearley, Amy Culberg, and Scott Dikkers

Toni Crowe retired to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books. Her bestselling business book, ‘Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends’ won a Gold Readers Award.

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