My Bridesmaid Did Not Invite Me to Her Wedding Reception, ADHD and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Navigating adult relationships can be difficult for anyone but, for people like myself who have ADHD, it can be particularly challenging.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is characterized by extreme emotional sensitivity to being criticized or rejected, whether real or perceived. The word dysphoria is Greek for “difficult to bear”. RSD can affect anyone; however, studies suggest that people who have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and/or autism are more susceptible to experiencing it.

People with ADHD often suffer emotional issues such as an inability to control our emotional responses or hypersensitivity. Intense emotions might explain why we have such a heightened response to rejection.

RSD can be explained as being overwhelmed by intense pain, that feels like it will last forever. If it comes from the unexpected; someone who you trusted, it feels like the ultimate betrayal. No one likes rejection, but for people with RSD, universal life experiences are much more severe compared to neurotypical individuals. Rejection for us is highly impairing and confronting.

Perhaps the worst aspect is the rejection does not even need to be real or certain to create stress. I have had several job interviews where I was sure I had fucked up. Only get a phone call offering the position after days of fretting. For me, it feels like I can’t always trust that I am assessing certain social situations correctly.

Sometimes the rejection is externalized, and it looks like a sudden instantaneous rage directed at the person or situation responsible for the rejection. More often it is internalized, we blame ourselves for the millionth time. Asking what is wrong with me? Internalizing the rejection can lead to a major mood disorder and even suicidal thoughts, or intentions.

In fact, symptoms of RSD often resemble other mental health conditions such as depression, social phobia, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

The emotional reaction we have to rejection is real and most of the time uncontrollable. However, understanding how we process our feelings and emotions, can assist us to build resilience.

Social Struggle

Social skills are the verbal and non-verbal skills we use to understand, interact, and communicate with others. People with ADHD tend to have poorer social skills compared to our neurotypical peers.

We can fail to pick up on simple social cues and can be easily distracted when we should be listening to another person. The following is a personal account of my experience with RSD. Most names have been changed to X-Men characters for privacy.

I always struggled socially as a child. My family moved around interstate a lot due to my father’s work while I was growing up. In total I attended 10 different schools across 3 different states in Australia during my childhood. Always the new kid, socially awkward, and a perfect target for torment. However, things improved as I got older. I was able to blend in better and I felt confident enough to attend university.

I met Jean during my second year at the social hub of campus life, the UniBar. We were both wearing the same silver sword necklace and I took it as a sign that we were meant to be friends. A nerd like myself interested in science fiction, and comedy. She listened with both patience and compassion as I often stumbled through my other social interactions. We had some grand adventures together.

A few years later I met a guy I liked named Zach who moved into my house and kind of never left. So, I decided to marry him. Jean was naturally assigned the role as one of my 3 bridesmaids. I had no idea how to plan a wedding, but Jean had my back she helped sort out every detail. The wedding went down smoothly, and I was glad to have such a dependable friend like Jean to celebrate with.

The years past and due to work, family, and me having a kid we saw each other less. We started to drift apart. Still I thought we still both made some effort to communicate at least now and then. I had met her new partner Cyclops a few times. Braving my own developing social phobia where I rarely left the house, but I still caught up socially with her when I could.

One such occasion was at Professor X’s birthday party. It was great to see Jean. It almost felt like old times, but to be fair I was completely trashed off my face, so I guess it was. Jean told me with excitement that Cyclops and she were getting married. I remember she insisted that of course I was invited and that despite moving in different directions that we were still friends.

My Golden Ticket

Sure enough a few months later a wedding invitation arrived in the post. I read over the instructions for the ceremony. I felt such extreme relief that my insecurities were as usual just in my head. Dancing around the kitchen like Grampa Joe when Charlie found the golden ticket. I placed the precious invite on the fridge. The peace it brought was great comfort, but the words also created a new anxiety. I would have to socialize with new people at a formal setting such as a wedding. I found a suitable dress and hunted for hours for a thoughtful wedding present.

Weddings are expensive and I kept trying to calculate how much each guest would be costing to ensure the gift was of a similar value. I found a beautiful handcrafted wooden dice set that I thought they would both appreciate. I could not really afford it, but I had pretty much spent the majority of my 20s hanging with this woman, so I even paid a little extra and upgraded the wood quality.

My parents had moved down a few months earlier and sadly my father lost his battle with cancer shortly after. Everyone was mourning but my mother still offered to babysit my kid so I could attend such an old friend’s wedding.

I was not in a good place emotionally with the loss of my father and battling my own demons, but I welcomed the distraction of a social event. In the weeks leading up to the wedding I wore my mask often to practice getting it right for my friend’s day. I was going to be the perfect wedding guest at the reception, I was going to be so normal, I would be quite dull.

Outcast

About a week before the wedding Jean sent me a cheery message on Facebook. We talked about her per-wedding nerves and I told her I was looking forward to seeing her dress. That’s when she apologized that she could sadly not invite me to the wedding reception, and she hoped I liked the ceremony.

Shocked and stunned for a moment. I dashed to the kitchen and ripped the invitation from the fridge. I read it carefully this time, seeing it was true. The invite only mentioned the ceremony. I had been excluded from the reception. I remember thinking childishly that seemed unfair.

I did not only invite her to my own wedding, but I made her a bridesmaid. Did the superstitious tradition of confusing evil spirits not mean anything to her? I wanted to know why I had been banished from the kingdom of Jean.

Instead, refusing to reveal to her that I had misunderstood, I said that it was fine. I was hurting beyond belief from not only the rejection but my own failure not to have foreseen it. I cancelled the wooden dice set and agonized over if I should still attend the ceremony.

The Wedding

I still wanted to be a good friend, so I went despite my reluctance. Again, I prepared mentally and planned. I took my 3-year-old son because I knew caring for him would help distract me. Also, if I became overwhelmed or experienced a panic attack the excuse of tending to a small child’s needs is great for getting out of any uncomfortable situations.

It was a garden wedding. I politely greeted her family and the many familiar faces from our shared social circle. I was surprised to see Storm and Beast had traveled interstate for the event. Grim realization dawned on me that they would not have flown down if they were only attending the ceremony. I wondered if I alone was forbidden from the reception and the reasons why. Maybe she thought I would be drunk, trashy, and be an embarrassment. Which I suppose with my history, is fair.

The Intruder

Thankfully the ceremony soon started. It was very respectable and Jean looked beautiful. After the happy couple were announced some light refreshments were served as guests mingled. I felt extremely embarrassed around Storm and Beast who knew I would not be joining them at the reception.

Anxiety makes you paranoid. It is the ultimate gas-lighter messing with reality. As we search for evidence confirming our fears. These were my close friends and my fear is just in my mind. Surely I had not been especially excluded. We made some light awkward small talk. During a long silence which I sought to fill with mindless chatter I asked where the reception was being held.

I often have trouble reading certain more subtle facial expressions. However, I knew Storm and Beast well, they had even lived with me for a while. That’s why I recognized the hesitation in their faces. They gave a vague answer but did not reveal an actual location. I had asked out of genuine curiosity but perhaps they were worried I would attempt to gate-crash it. Suddenly apparently at that very moment baby Nightcrawler was getting fussy and they both needed to tend to her right now. As they used the very tactic I had planned to use, against me. Shame and despair overtook me. Remaining as composed as possible, I fled the wedding.

Hyper-arousal aka the acute stress response is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to things we perceive as harmful or a threat to survival. It can also be triggered by extreme emotional stimuli. Attending a wedding is not on par with fighting off a tiger, but my brain did not know the difference. A flight or fight response had been activated and I removed myself from perceived danger.

The Masks We Wear

The irrationality of my emotion reaction towards the rejection is embarrassing. The rejection was internalized immediately. I blamed myself for not being worthy enough for an invite. I needed to understand all my shortcomings to prevent losing any more precious friendships. Sinking into a deep depression, crying in the shower every morning so my young son would not see me so upset. It took a few weeks to recover.

After years of experiencing these constant biting little rejections we have learned to protect ourselves in one of two main ways. We might become people pleasers, learning what those around us expects, admires, and values. We try to present this false version of ourselves to those around us. This is known as masking and trying to blend in can become such a dominating goal that we forget who we were before. Another method to cope is simply to stop trying.

Avoiding situations where there is the slightest possibility of failure or rejection. Often bright and very capable people with ADHD stop activities that are anxiety provoking such as dating, applying for jobs, or socializing with new people. Often, we will use a combination of both masking and avoidance just to get through our daily lives.

Closure

Rejection sensitivity is part of ADHD. Before I started researching and writing about ADHD, I did not know there was a name for this terrible feeling. I thought being overly sensitive was just another example of my own immaturity, however almost everyone with ADHD experiences rejection sensitivity. It’s neurological and genetic. We are simply wired differently.

I know Jean had not intention to hurt my feelings, but it did clarify where I stood with her. We did not share the perceptions of the friendship, at least I knew.

I wish Jean all the best and would possibly still even help her during a zombie apocalypse, but it was time to let go of a shared past. My former friend and bridesmaid owed me nothing, but I was not obliged to her either.

A few months after the wedding I quietly unfriended Jean from all social media and gaming accounts. I felt guilty doing so in case she noticed, but she never did.

In my life I have found it rare to discover people who truly accept me and my unusual ADHD brain, but I have decided to focus on those that do. Because we all deserve acceptance.