My Brain is Screaming Panic Attack

Snap, crackle, pop!

I think I might have misunderstood this vicious queue, or that sarcastic joke hollering my name. Groundhog’s Day — Bill Murray, in flying color, with that recognizable grin on his face. I listened again! This is it! I WANT YOU TO PANIC! My sweet and patient mind remarks, “get the fuck outta my face!” Shhhh!

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nurse, therapist, or health care professional. But I have learned a lot about panic attacks. They are frightening. Terrifying. Feels like you’re falling down a black hole, a rabbit hole, and you will never, ever be able to crawl out. Your mind is screaming, “calm down, calm down.” Until you remember, that’s about the worst thing you can do. They even have quotes about it, saying “calm down.”. It’s something along the lines of telling a woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat.

This panic sneaks up behind you, like Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner. They are interchangeable. One running … one chasing!

Just when you think you’re safe, you beat it; it’s gone around the corner. Not only no, but hell no, as my dad used to say! In the book Chuck Amuck: The Life & Times Of An Animated Cartoonist, Chuck Jones claimed that he and the animators behind the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote cartoons stuck with some simple yet strict rules. The two rules that called to me were: Wile E Coyote could stop at any time if he weren’t a fanatic; and, there was never any dialogue, just beeping and howling in pain. My internal dialogue is continually beeping and leaves me screaming in pain. I can no longer deny the truth. Beep … beep … beep! I’m coming for you! Wile E Coyote is on the way, dust in his tracks. I can’t see the Roadrunner yet! But I’m pretty sure I’m about to jump off a cliff with him.

In the article Panic Attacks and Panic Disorders, the Mayo Clinic describes a panic attack as the sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. When panic attacks occur, individuals might think they are losing control, having a heart attack, or even dying. While panic attacks may come on suddenly and without warning, it’s usually triggered by certain situations. In my life, I experience an intense fight-or-flight response thinking there is danger right around the corner. Without warning, my heart rate and breathing speed up, preparing for an unfathomable disaster that is far beyond my control. The research verifies that there are no cures for panic attacks. While I’m not a healthcare professional, I can tell you what helps me.

Many times, it happens when I’m driving. There is a method to the madness of my panic attacks. I’ve been stressed to the max, concerned about not living up to expectations, convincing myself I can handle it, and BOOM! Like a nuclear bomb going off. Thinking there is no rhyme or reason, Wile E Coyote appears to pay a visit and asks me to join him in jumping off a cliff. Sometimes I can catch myself. I let Wile E know today won’t be the day. I breathe to slow myself down. I don’t try to reason with myself. That never works well for me. I’m like the Roadrunner heading home. Get me out of this car. Take me to a safe place. Fast. Breathe. Reach out.

What works best for me is to breathe and reach out. Find my safe place in a park, somewhere soft and comforting, or reach out to a friend. Only that singular voice can calm me down. Most likely not Wile E or the Roadrunner. Just a trusted friend. No incriminations, no thoughtful help, just a trusted friend while I catch my breath. As Billie Holiday soulfully wailed:

Them that’s got shall have

Them that’s not shall lose …

But God bless the child that’s got his own

That’s got his own

(written by Billie Holiday and Arthur Herzog Jr., 1939)

As quick as it comes on, most times, it leaves me disheveled, weak, and fragile. It isn’t usually a long adventure. I swear it just sneaks up on me. It’s crippling. I can’t climb that mountain. And then, it’s gone. It doesn’t leave the slightest trace. It’s like a bad taste in your mouth, a bad memory coming back to haunt you. I always hope the last one will actually be the last.

You’re out there in that deep dark ocean. Sparklers are going off all around you. It’s electric. You feel like it’s the end. It is not the end; but, it surely feels that way. This much I know is true! Here are the most common queues for me:

1. In many cases, there is no rhyme or reason
2. In some cases, I can feel it like a catch in my chest. Something’s coming. Anticipation.
3. I put it off as long as I can. And then like that Wile E coyote, it sneaks up on me. It doesn’t knock on my door. It doesn’t politely ask if it can come in. Unapologetically, the Roadrunner announces, “I am here.” Beep. Beep.
4. I don’t think I can deal with it. It’s a deep, dark hole. A mountain too high to climb. My pulse is racing. My heart is beating out of my chest. I cannot breathe.
5. It’s debilitating. I’m begging those terrifying cartoon characters to leave. They give me a simple answer. No.
6. I stop. I breathe. I reach out to that dear, sweet friend of mine who knows me so well.
7. There is no magic potion. It is what it is, for me at least.

And I pray, hard, it will not return.

Janny’s heart, musings, and meaningful meanderings! Sharing my love, pain, joy, and suffering. Mother, sister, wife, friend, lover of meaningful words, perpetual child of the universe. With a wild streak that cannot be tamed. What about you? Share your thoughts, comments, or ideas below. I’d love to hear from you! Thank you for taking time to read!