My boyfriend would fancy me more if I were thinner…

…or better dressed, or a little more neat looking

My boyfriend and I have been together for over four years, living together for three. There is no doubt that we love each other a lot, more than ever, in fact. But the fancying bit? That’s harder to sustain.

Like many long-term relationships, the intensity of our desire for one another has waned over time. It took its first hit when we moved in together and lost a little of the mystery and a second hit when we spent two years living together during the pandemic when we saw no one but each other.

I’m a big fan of Esther Perel’s ‘Mating In Captivity’ (a great read for anyone in a long-term relationship) which talks about how a relationship built on love and trust can make sexual attraction seem more difficult. I understand why this decrease in desire has happened — we’ve spent too much time together, we know each other too well, and we’ve become too familiar with one another.

But there’s another explanation. I’m fatter now. I’ve spent two years walking around my apartment in my tracksuit bottoms and an oversized jumper. I haven’t had my hair cut professionally since before the pandemic began. I don’t wear makeup, full stop (although this actually isn’t a problem for my boyfriend as he prefers my face that way). Stress and age and too much South American sun have added more lines to my face, especially around my eyes.

There’s a part of me that believes that my boyfriend should think that I’m beautiful however I look. I’m a feminist. I don’t think that the value of my person is based on my appearance. Although I don’t care what anyone else does, I personally don’t like altering the way that my face looks on a daily basis with makeup. I think my face is fine as it is.

But the reality is this: my boyfriend loves me however I look, but he desires me more when I look good, and more importantly, when I feel good about the way I look. And this thing works both ways. I love my boyfriend in every possible version of himself, but I desire him a little less when he’s gained a few pounds and been walking around the apartment in his tracksuit bottoms and an oversized jumper for two years. His hair is a mess, his beard long and bushy. His once-taught back muscles are a little podgy. We love each other so much that we’ve stopped trying for one another.

We can be honest with each other about this, as much as that might momentarily hurt. It doesn’t mean for a second that we want to break up.

It just means that if we want to have that desire again, we need to put some effort into it.