My Blind Date Displayed a Few Gross Habits

A nauseating experience that ended with a thunderous blow

It was my first semester of college, and a few weeks in, I found myself without plans on a Friday night. After an early dinner in the cafeteria, I returned to my dorm room and asked my roommate Phil if he wanted to head to the gym and see if we could get in on a pickup basketball game. He gave an immediate decline, saying he wanted to see if this girl Jasmine from his Intro to Philosophy class was available to watch a movie.

They had met two weeks earlier and would sometimes study or eat together in the cafeteria. I didn’t know much about her other than that she and Phil were Philosophy majors, and she lived in an apartment off campus. He picked up the phone and started punching in her number. That was my cue to leave the room and give him privacy, so I headed to the lobby to watch TV.

After ten minutes of finding nothing to watch on the limited TV channels, Phil walked in.

“Hey, I thought you were gonna try to watch a movie with Jasmine?”

“You mean you’re not coming? She’s bringing a friend, her name is Alina.”

I immediately stood up and gave him a quick “homie handshake.”

“Man, we are gonna get along so well as roommates!” I said.

We met the girls at the theater, and I was quickly introduced to the cute, tall girl with long black hair. She was dressed in jeans and a tank top and was wearing flip-flops. We made small talk in the lobby and chatted as we walked side by side into the theater to take our seats. She seemed nice, but something wasn’t right.

The lights dimmed, and National Lampoon’s Senior Trip began playing.

Half an hour into the movie, out of nowhere, Alina burps.

It was a loud one.

I knew it was her because I saw her head move slightly forward when she burped.

I tried not to turn my head to look directly at her, so I moved my eyes slightly to the left in her direction. She had not taken her eyes off the screen and was still intently watching the movie. She basically burped without covering her mouth or saying, “Excuse me.”

Maybe she didn’t realize she burped out loud, I thought to myself.

I slumped on my seat, leaned to the right, and, with my elbow on the armrest, rested my right cheek on my hand.

Kind of a turn-off, but I tried not to let it bother me.

After the movie ended, the four of us went to the coffee house across the street called Brew Ha Ha.

Yes, that was the name.

We all ordered and sat around the table, making small talk, discussing where we were from, our classes, and how the first weeks of school were coming along.

Then Alina did the next unforgettable thing. Alina, who was wearing flip-flops, decided this would be an excellent time to pick at her feet. Out of nowhere, she lifts her leg, rests her foot on her thigh, and, while examining her bare foot, proceeds to pick off the dry skin that was peeling off. She was picking it up and then discarding the remnants to the floor.

I didn’t want to say anything and was surprised Jasmine didn’t call her friend out on it. We all kept talking like we didn’t know what she was doing.

It was odd. We all noticed she was picking at her feet, but none of us said anything.

A few minutes later, Jasmine’s two giggly roommates, Shawna and Maxine, walk in. Jasmine had no idea they were coming and immediately waved, and they came over to say hi. After a few minutes of standing there while we all talked, Shawna asked if they could sit down, to which I gave an immediate “Sure!”

I was so happy they sat down because it meant two more chairs were brought in to fit at our tiny round table, and that would signal to Alina that she would have to stop picking at her feet and put her leg down to make room for the others.

Small favors.

Both Shawna and Maxine were pretty loud but hilariously funny and added to the conversations. An hour later, the coffee shop was getting ready to close up, so Maxine invited everyone to the apartment to play cards and have ice cream. We headed over there and arrived at an apartment that looked like most other standard apartments: A living room the moment you walk in, a patio on the left side near the entrance, and a kitchen on the other side of the living room.

We all enjoyed a few bowls of ice cream thanks to the multiple array of toppings the girls had available. We played games of spoons and BS, which made for a really enjoyable evening. It no longer seemed like a double date but more like a group of friends just hanging out.

That was fine by me. As far as I was concerned, the date was over.

After finishing off a game of BS, Alina said she wanted to take a break and get some air, so we all decided to take a breather. Alina headed to the patio, where she walked out and closed the screen door. Phil and I stood up and began to stretch while Shawna leaned back in the recliner. Jasmine and Maxine grabbed some empty bowls and brought them to the kitchen.

And that’s when we heard it.

Alina, who was out on the patio and facing the opposite direction, intentionally let out a thunderous fart.

Phil and I immediately turned our heads toward the patio and started laughing. Shawna’s face was red with laughter as she leaned to her side. Maxine and Jasmine were in the kitchen hunched over, laughing but not making any noise.

I’ve always wondered, what is it about farting in front of others that makes it so damn funny?

At that moment, realizing we had just heard her dirty deed, Alina turns around and sees us all in hysterical laughter.

She put her hand to her mouth. It was apparent everyone had heard it.

She covered her red face with both hands and turned around in embarrassment.

“Man, that was loud!” Phil said between laughter.

Maxine, who had to sit on the chair in the kitchen because she was laughing so loud, blurted out, “It was so loud I heard it all the way here in the kitchen!”

We could not stop laughing when Alina decided to come back in. Shawna, who noticed what Alina was trying to do, quickly jumped toward the patio door. With both hands held up, she yells, “Don’t come in! The trail will follow you! Stay out there, or we’ll all die!”

Shawna’s actions only prolonged what was now hysterical laughter.

Alina rolls her eyes and pouts while we all continue to laugh uncontrollably.

After a few minutes, we all finally settled down, and Alina walked back in.

“I didn’t think you guys would hear it! I didn’t think it would be that loud!”

No one said anything. By now, with a few giggles here and there, we had stopped laughing as we wiped the tears from our eyes.

When things got quiet, we saw it was 11:30 PM and decided to call it a night. Since Jasmine was already home, Phil offered Alina a ride back since we lived on campus. We thanked Maxine and Shawna for inviting us, and Jasmine walked us to our car to say goodbye to Phil.

Less than ten minutes later, we were back on campus. Arriving at her dorm, Alina thanked Phil for the ride, said it was nice to meet me, and quickly made a dash for her dorm room.

It hadn’t been one minute since we had left Alina’s dorm when Phil decided to speak up as we drove back to our dorm.

“You didn’t want to ask for her number?”

“Shut up.”

“So, what did you think of Alina?”

I was silent and didn’t respond. I didn’t have to turn to look at his face to know he was smiling.

“Was it that loud belch during the movie?”

“Glad I wasn’t the only one who heard that. She didn’t even cover her mouth.”

“Don’t tell me her picking at her feet bothered you. Not like she tossed any of those dead skin pieces in your direction.”

The damn sarcasm from my roommate.

“Give her a little credit. She had the courtesy to fart outside, at least you didn’t smell it.”

I turned my head to look at Phil, who had a massive grin. Was my roommate, the philosophy major, trying to get me to look at things in a different light?

No.

The fool was clearly toying with me.

To answer the question all the readers are wondering, Alina and I never went out again. I can firmly say without a doubt that she wasn’t my type. I’m pretty sure the feeling was mutual.

Alina was at the university for the next two years, and I rarely saw her. We didn’t have any classes together, and if I did see her around campus in passing, she made every attempt to avoid eye contact. I recall two or three incidents where I walked past her and said hello. She responded in a very dry tone, “Hi.”

Her behavior surprised me because she didn’t seem bashful when burping or picking her feet in front of us. By our junior year, I heard through mutual friends that she had decided to transfer to another university to study a specific program that wasn’t offered at our school. I’m pretty sure that’s the real excuse, not because of the farting incident.

It’s been about twenty-five years since that fateful date, and I rarely gave it much thought over the years. Last Friday night, I was channel surfing and saw National Lampoon’s Senior Trip playing on TV. I hadn’t seen the movie since we were last in the theater, and seeing it on the screen brought back all the memories of that date. It’s funny what can trigger one’s memory.

At that moment, all by myself, I just started laughing uncontrollably.

That was the loudest fart I had ever heard!

Authors note: All names have been changed to protect the innocent.