My Biggest Parenting Regret (x 2)

Parents make mistakes. My biggest one happened twice.

Once upon a time, I was the youth pastor at a mid-sized church that is a leader in its denomination. Being a part of this church staff was where I received my validation.

Allowing anything or anyone other than God to validate you is not a good idea.

You will live in a constant state of invalidation. That was my life. I couldn’t explain it then, but looking back on it now, that’s exactly how it was.

On the outside, I usually hid it pretty well, but inside my psyche was as unstable as a fart in a windstorm. This sets the stage for my biggest parenting regret (x 1).

My daughter’s first experience in our youth ministry, as a seventh-grader, was a ski trip to Paoli Peaks in Paoli, IN. The morning we were preparing to get on the slopes, she told me she wasn’t sure she would have anyone to ski with.

I told her not to worry about it and asked a few of the eighth-grade girls to let her hang with them. The problem was they all could ski, and she had never skied before.

As they all started down their first run, they left my daughter in their spray. A couple of times I saw her go down the slopes by herself. On one of my runs down the mountain about halfway down the slope, I heard her calling for me.

She had fallen and was trying to get up and by the time I realized what was happening I couldn’t stop to get over to her. I just remember giving her this sad look as if to say, “I’m sorry, sweetheart, try to do the best you can.”

When I reached the bottom of the slope on that run, “they should have shut all the slopes down and had a ceremony to give me a trophy for Father of the Year!” said no one, ever!

Where was I during her first and ever skiing experience? I was skiing with the older guys, trying to be a good youth pastor. While she was trying to learn how to ski and going down the slopes by herself, I was hanging with the guys trying to build a relationship with them.

I’m a big fan of relational youth ministry. During this trip, I should have been a fan of my daughter. Every time I think about this experience, I cry and get a knot in my stomach.

Who in their right mind would put other people’s kids’ needs before their own kid’s needs? I know this happens quite a bit in youth ministry… but it shouldn’t!

My daughter hated that experience and has never been skiing again. Today, even as an adult, has no interest in it. That is 100% my fault! I would give my left testicle to go back and have an opportunity to make that right.

I’m very grateful that she forgave me for that experience for many other mistakes I’ve made as a parent. Despite my poor parenting, by the grace of God, we have a great relationship today.

Did I learn my lesson? Enter — my biggest parenting regret (x 2).

Fast forward a few years. I’m no longer a youth pastor at that church. I’m working as a computer systems administrator at the Vanderbilt University Medical Center.

My son was eleven and in an attempt to be a good father I wanted to take him through a Christ-centered, “coming of age,” study called Passport 2 Purity, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. I bought the curriculum and reserved a room at a local hotel for our father/son retreat.

That Friday night we worked through the curriculum and ate pizza. Saturday morning, we finished up and had time for a swim before our late check out that afternoon. It was winter, but the hotel had an indoor pool so we’d brought our swimsuits.

When we got to the pool, my son jumped right in and started swimming like a crazed dolphin! We had the whole pool to ourselves. I stuck my foot in the water and to my surprise, this indoor pool was not heated.

The water felt colder than a hair on a polar bear’s backside! I may have jumped in and then got right out because I couldn’t stand it.

I dried off and sat in a chair by the pool and read a book while my son played in the water… by himself… at times asking me to jump in… Father of the Year (x 2)!

I must be the most selfish individual on the planet. What a baby I was, putting a few minutes of discomfort before my only son! I’m so very thankful that God didn’t do that with His only Son.

If I had jumped in and been uncomfortable for just a small amount of time, my body would have acclimated to the water.

I remember one of my coworkers giving me a few accolades on Monday when I got back to work. He had known about my plans for the weekend.

I told him we’d had a good time, but I was too ashamed to be honest with him. I couldn’t say to him we made it through the material, but I had failed my son.

I regret that so much and would give my other testicle to go back and make that one right. Fortunately for me, by God’s grace, we have a great relationship today.

Frank Sinatra, in his song My Way, sang “Regrets, I’ve had a few…” If I were to ever sing this song, I would sing “Regrets, I’ve had a lot…” I know God and my children have forgiven me for my sorry parenting in these two instances (and many others).

I share these two experiences to encourage other parents not to make the mistake that I’ve made, twice! Treasure the time with your children. Pour your life into them.

Do not let anything or anyone stop you from doing all you can to encourage your children.

On these two occasions, I allowed my job, ministry, selfishness, and stupidity to get in my way of providing the love and support that my children needed from me.

I’ve heard respected Bible teachers say, “you can’t forgive yourself, that’s God’s job.” I know God forgives and forgets, but humans find this more difficult.

Sometimes there are consequences to our sins. My consequences seemed to have been to carry these regrets around for a few years.

If you have kids, spend time with them and also be present for them. Be there for them and strive to give them what they need. This is not the same as giving them everything they ask for, but try your best to exemplify our Heavenly Father’s parenting better than I did.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10 NLT)