I’ve always had a thing for words
My BFF Facetious — No, Seriously
Sarcastic isn’t even in his league
Did I ever tell you about before we met? I knew of you. You’d been around.
But then Howie, you know Howie, the arbiter of what’s cool in the school. I guess that doesn’t make him too cool for school. Sorry.
I overheard him say facetious is the only word with A-E-I-O-U in order. And facetiously has Y.
Facetious, I’m being serious here. After I heard that all I wanted was to be you.
I would tell everyone facetious is the only word with all the vowels A-E-I-O-U in order. And facetiously has the Y.
Wow, are you serious? Own it. It’s what makes you you. That’s your individuality.
Okay, so then you know what I’d do? Check this out. So I’ll tell someone the A-E-I-O-U thing. Maybe they respond — and some of them do — “Oh, yeah, that means sarcastic.”
Here, look at my face. You gotta see how I play this. I would look blank, stupid. And slowly repeat back to them, “Sarcastic? I don’t know what that means.”
And again, “Sar-cast-ic?” I’d then shake my head and squint. See what I’m doing? Huh, right? I’d say, “Can you use it in a sentence?”
“You … you’re being sarcastic right now.”
I’d scrunch my face up like this.
They would double down: “Facetious. It means sarcastic.”
I wanted to punch them in the face. But I kept the ruse going.
Uh, why? Because sarcastic isn’t even in the same class as you. No, I’m sorry but it’s true.
I would do some more headshaking. Squinting. You can’t do too much squinting or furling eyebrows. No such thing as gilding the lily or being overkill melodramatic.
Some would elaborate. “Not serious.” Sometimes … “ironic.”
Sarcastic irks me, but ironic sets me off. It usually makes me break character. I belittle them for having such a limited understanding of you. “You don’t say things you don’t mean. You don’t say the opposite. You’re entertaining people; not teasing them or putting them down.”
Do you even know irony, derision, mockery? D’you hang out? Thought so. And you shouldn’t. Dude, you’re so much better than them.
Believe me.
Hey, Faseesh. Oh, Howie, I didn’t see you. Hey.
Where’s he going?
He could have stayed. It’s cool you’re hanging out with — ya know, it’s not a competition. I appreciate that. I know you like to hang out with people who are more your type.
Yeah. I’m glad we hang out. Seriously. I know it’s ironic that I’m being sincere, but you mean a lot —
What? Sincere? You know … like unironic. Sincere is when you’re earnest —
Uh …
Okay. Ha, you got me. I don’t know why — It doesn’t matter. It’s okay. Yeah — the frog and scorpion, I know that one. Yeah, I know. “‘ … we were friends. Why’d you sting me?’ ‘It’s in my nature.’”
Yeah …
We’re cool.
Hey, Faseesh.
I’ve been busy. Yeah, nothing.
I guess I was mad at you.
My sister had a girlfriend — it was just a phase. When she introduced us, she said, “This is Patricia. She’s the one person I know who can beat you at Scrabble.” I’ve always had a thing for words.
That’s what she said? Really, my man? Wow. Nice.
She was a lawyer, so she was pretty smart.
So I tell the counselor, “Facetious is the only word blah blah blah all five vowels, facetiously has Y.”
She blurts out abstentious and affectious.
And eventually … larcenious.
I don’t … some synonym of larcenous. In alphabetical order, right.
I didn’t want to tell you. I know deep down in my heart you didn’t do anything but it shook me. It just made me sad. Seriously.
My respect for you took a hit, but I got over it.
I still want to be like you, dude. You’re my role model.
Exactly. But I looked it up I guess there are a bunch more.
Hey Faseesh, what’s up? Oh, I didn’t see you … have we met … Fist bump, secret handshake, you guys must go back a long way. Really? Last week … cool, cool.
Nice to — nice to meet you …
Facetious mumbles, “This is Sarcasm.”
Nice — nice to meet you.
Thanks to Claire and Esme for their feedback and support.
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