My Baby Eats Dirt and Sleeps in the Closet, So What?

Confessions of a bad mom

Like a bipolar mom, since the birth of my daughter 2.5 years ago, I’ve been swinging between “I’m a great mom” and “I really suck at this.” And who’s to tell me which one I am?

Certainly not American media. Or my mom (back in her days… blah blah). Or even my 3-children husband, whose approach to parenting by now is “good enough.”

Yet I can’t help but beat myself up sometimes. I learned that this pressure to be a good mother (whatever that means) is a very American phenomenon. It’s as if women didn’t have it hard enough here.

So here are a few things that trigger my mom guilt, followed by a few redeeming qualities.

1. I have no idea how to potty train my daughter or when. And I haven’t even started researching it. According to my mom, I’m a year too late. According to a stranger I shared a moment with at a playground, I’m just fine.

2. I haven’t taken my daughter to a dentist. Every visit, my daughter’s pediatrician reminds me that I’m supposed to “teach her about dental hygiene” and visit a dentist as soon as she grows her first tooth. I promise her I will. But with five-people household and my own toothache, it’s not likely to happen soon.

3. I don’t give her a bath every day. It’s a hassle. She doesn’t always want it (“Mama, no water!”). I’m afraid to expose her to too much chlorine, and the chlorine filters I found are too expensive.

4. I let her watch TV almost every day. In my defense, it’s often her dad turning the TV on, and me failing to turn it off once Dora the Explorer starts playing and, suddenly, life gets so much easier.

5. I don’t play with my daughter as often as I’d like to. I just can’t seem to shake off the “business” syndrome. Everyone just has to be so busy all the time in this country.

6. My daughter sleeps in the closet. Yep. My daughter lives in a decent-sized walk-in closet (door removed) attached to our bedroom. Probably the coziest closet you’ve ever seen but still. My (very) American friend was appalled when she saw the setup. The European/New Yorker in me thought: “What’s the big deal?”

7. She goes to sleep late. My daughter’s been a late sleeper/waker-upper since she was born. “A child has to adjust to parents’ schedule,” my then-therapist told me when she was born. And adjust she did. We’re always the last people at our local playground. Until recently, when I met a mom from Spain who asked me: “Where the hell is everyone?” Twenty years in the country, and I still don’t know the answer.

8. She throws food and can’t sit through dinner. After months of trying to give her the “culinary education,” inspired by the French approach to eating, I failed. While I’ll never use the dreadful American term “picky eater,” I wouldn’t call my daughter a good eater either. And I would certainly not bring her to Paris anytime soon.

9. My daughter never had a crib. From her bedside bassinet, she moved right into a playpen and slept on a pile of blankets for the last two years. I even bought a crib mattress, inspired by the Montessori idea of floor beds, and proudly laid it out in my daughter’s room, only to find her unsettled by the lack of boundaries and walking all over the place looking for me. After two days, it was back to her cozy playpen where she’s been sleeping happily ever since for 14 hours each day. As they say, “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.”

10. My daughter eats off the floor. Not all the time, obviously. But if I threw away every piece of food that hits the floor during feeding, she’d be starving.

11. She’s best friends with germs. In our household, we love germs. The more than better. Doggy face licks or shared carrots. Bare-hand dirt digging or puddle fishing. An old raisin buried in the couch. Bring it on! What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

And this is just top of the iceberg.

And here’s what I tell myself to feel better

1. I teach my daughter to love and respect nature. We simply can’t afford to raise any more people who don’t give a damn about nature and its preservation.

2. There’s no bad weather, I teach her. Not just because we live in Southern California. But because I firmly believe in dressing appropriately and going outside in all weather. Yesterday, we walked the dogs in the rain. Today, we learned about strong wind. And this Friday, we’ll be on a snowy mountain.

3. My daughter is a walker and a hiker. The only time our daughter gets to ride in a car is when we go out of town. Otherwise, we walk and use a stroller for long walks. Last week, she hiked a 3-mile loop uphill, while other parents carried their four-year-olds. It’s amazing what kids are capable of.

4. I teach her to climb, balance, and take small risks. I don’t micromanage at the playground and don’t yell “be careful” every minute. I encourage my daughter to climb higher and try new things. And, sometimes, I let go of her hand for her own benefit.

5. We play soccer outside every day. At two years of age, I got my daughter a toddler soccer ball and she’s been obsessed with “kick ball” ever since. I was raised a competitive athlete, and it taught me everything I know about resilience and hard work. I hope that for her own benefit, my daughter will inherit my love of sports.

6. My daughter has a lot of books. We read every day twice a day and never miss a read. I buy a wide variety of stories, too, with our favorites being books by Julia Donaldson, an amazing British author.

7. I give too many kisses and hugs. Even when my daughter doesn’t need it.

8. I teach her to be independent. And it works. “She’s so independent” is one of the comments I get the most from people who know us. A woman once told me her 12-year-old daughter couldn’t play on her own for more than ten minutes. I promised to never let this happen to my child.

9. I buy toys selectively and I never buy plastic. Clutter is harmful to both adults and kids.

10. I make sacrifices, so I can buy only organic food for my daughter. In the U.S. You kind of have to.

11. My daughter is well-traveled. Not that she cares, but she’s been out and about a lot. One of my favorite pictures is of her at eight months getting her diaper changed at Joshua Tree National Park.

Perhaps, with parenting as complicated as the world around us, there’s often no right or wrong, as long as you educate yourself on the basics and trust your gut instincts with the rest.

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