My Article’s Going Viral and It’s Making Me Dissociate
The fears of a scarcity mindset.
Firstly,
for those who don’t know,
dissociation is when the brain disconnects from the present moment.
It can result in an out-of-body experience, but is more commonly experienced as a metaphorical floating away of the mind and its focus. This is the brain’s attempt to cope with stress, overwhelm and trauma.
And success for me,
is overwhelming.
Over the past few days I’ve had an article go somewhat semi-viral. By Medium’s standards anyway. (I think.)
As it stands, the article has racked up a modest 1K in views, 20 hours in reading time, more dollars than cents, 2 haters, and a whole lot of fans.
And only continues to grow with each passing day.
Great right?
Unquestionably!
But it still scares the absolute crap out of me.
Growing up, my family never had much in the way of affluence.
I spent more time with the parents of friends than the familiarity of my own, as mine were nearly always working.
Cookies were considered luxury, days off treated criminal.
And arguments over ‘lack’ and ‘money’ is mostly all I remember of my parents’ marriage, once upon a time.
This upbringing in scarcity
(in both mindset and material) now manifests in me today as —
a fear of success.
Our brains like to stick to what they know.
The unfamiliar alternatives come with far too many uncharted variables, which, from a brain’s perspective, is unsafe.
And receiving 4.3K in claps, having the notifications bell repeatedly bubbled green — is apparently all the abundance it takes for my fearful brain to initiate shut down.
Not for lack of gratitude, not for lack of excitement.
But for perceived protection of self by the subconscious mind.
I watched as the comments rolled in.
First excited, soon detached.
I took midday naps curled up on my sofa.
An overwhelm, turned exhaustion.
But.
And this really is a very big but.
I have loved and appreciated every moment, aspect and plot-twist of my article wetting its toes in the surf’s virality.
This shared reflection on ‘my-first-article-gone-viral’ may not adorn itself in the same bells and whistles of most new writers’ celebratory announcements.
But this is the sobering reality of what a little bit of online success has looked like, for me.
Though don’t be fooled —
a mental detachment does not negate my conscious gratitude.
If your curiosity is killing the cat (what a slightly horrifying thing to say, I’m sorry), then here is the somewhat semi-viral, by Medium’s standards, I think article I’ve been referring to (or dissociating from) all this time:
(And no, the irony of an article ranting about lack of engagement going on to receive a whole truck-load of engagement has not been lost on me.)
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