HUMOR

My Article Became the Top Search Result on Google

Fame and fortune here I come

It finally happened!

After countless hours of pouring blood, sweat, and tears into my writing, I have finally been rewarded by the great Google algorithm! This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity is my golden ticket to fame and fortune on the interwebs.

I can almost taste the caviar and the salty ocean breeze against my lips as I travel to the Bahamas on my private yacht. But, before I retire from writing and ride off into the sunset, let me share with you a story and how you too can be chosen by the algorithm.

Humble Beginnings

I never expected to be chosen. I was just an amateur writer toiling away on his keyboard, desperately collecting the pennies that trickled into my statistics page. It was never about the money, cough, it was about the craft and the love of writing — an opportunity to give the world everything I had. Maybe it was this humble selfless generosity that was the reason behind it all.

I remember it like it was yesterday, probably because it was yesterday when my phone called out to me from the corner of my eye. It was time for another look at the numbers, not that I cared, of course. I was merely practicing the morning ritual every writer partakes in to get a sip of encouragement and dopamine.

I clicked on the stats and scrolled through the numbers, everything was double digits but then, one article stood out from the rest. It was an old forgotten story, relegated to the dusty annals of history. But, the numbers had soared beyond belief.

Curious, I opened up the stats of the story and was greeted by this beautiful graph.

I saw a mountain range of light blue stretch out at far as the eye can see. Was this real? What cruels tricks were the Medium gods playing on me?!

Wait, had the gods finally deemed my stories worthy of “further distribution”?!

Holding back the girlish squeal that clogged up my throat, I desperately searched for those four mystical words that had never appeared on my work before. I searched high and low but, I couldn’t find hide nor hair of that elusive phrase.

If it wasn’t the distribution algorithm, then something else must be afoot. I put on my detective glasses and made my way to the dark underbelly of the stats page.

The first number that caught my attention was 69 — nice. The second fact I noticed was that most of these extra views were from Google.com! What did that mean?

Well, to find a fire, one must follow the smoke.

I quickly opened up another tab and googled the topic of my article. What I saw next made that squeal burst out in a moment of orgasmic bliss.

I Was Chosen

I was number one out of 43,400,000! Yes, I know that you need to type in a very specific set of words into the search box but, that’s not the point. What is important is that I am on top. If anyone ever typed that specific question on Google, my article will be the first thing they see.

I was chosen and placed on a pedestal by Google itself. My work had been acknowledged, I had been recognized, and now all I have to do is watch the money roll in.

How did I do it?

That is undoubtedly the question on your mind right now. Well, my curious reader, I have realized something very important from this experience. Knowledge has a price.

I finally understand why others ask so much for SEO advice. I understand the value of this knowledge and the power held within the Google algorithm. I have been enlightened in the ways of the great spider of the interwebs. It is dangerous knowledge that should not go into the wrong hands.

But, I am a benevolent being and generosity is at the core of my life’s philosophy. I am willing to share this knowledge with you for the low, low price of $499.99.

With this minuscule onetime payment, you will receive benefits such as,

1. A face-to-face coaching lesson with me.
2. Insider information of SEO trends with minimal market research for improved efficiency.
3. An in-depth lecture series on SEO, the great spider goddess, and the meaning of life.
4. A guaranteed increase of views for your articles between 1 to 1 million.
5. Early access to my soon-to-be-released online course on mastering SEO and tips and tricks to achieve world peace.

Sign up now!

The first 10 participants will get an early bird discount of 10%. Do not miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime deal.

Leave your details in the comments below and I will contact you soon. You can send your credit and debit card details to me through a completely safe and legal transfer process that I will soon launch on my own personal website.

So, do yourself a favor and join the SEO revolution today and be rich, successful, and let me help you achieve your online dreams!

Real Talk

Hey, hope you enjoyed that little rollercoaster of a story. Putting the satire aside, I honestly don’t know why or how this happened. Google is a mystery and algorithms are way beyond my expertise. But, I constantly find so many courses online on how to be a top result on Google and how to be chosen by the algorithms flooding my internet streams.

When I noticed my own article had become one of them without doing any optimizing, I found it funny. I don’t really know how SEO works but I think it has to do with the story having keywords like toilet, forget, and flush repeated many times throughout the story. The lack of competing articles could also be another reason for it. I would boil it down to luck.

This incident did give me a chance to let my inner megalomaniac out to write this story. So, I consider that a win.

The most surprising thing of all is that at least 42 people have asked Google if they had flushed? Why would anyone do that? What could be their reason for asking Google of all places? And the scariest thing of all is,

What if google actually knew the answer to that!?

That is a thought that sends shivers down my spine.

Thank you for reading and have a great day!