Summary

The author details a humorous and meticulous process of ensuring their mail-in ballot for the 2020 election is properly sealed and submitted, despite challenges with the envelope's adhesive.

Abstract

In the face of the 2020 election and concerns over mail-in ballot integrity, the author recounts their comedic yet earnest efforts to secure their vote. They describe the process of overcoming a poorly sealing envelope, employing a variety of household items as tools in their "arsenal of democracy." These include a sponge on a stick named "Stonge," a glass jar filled with tap water sung over with the national anthem, Viva Select-a-Size paper towels, a jar of pennies, a hardcover book by Machiavelli, and a list of write-in candidates. The author's narrative is laced with political satire, particularly aimed at the then-current president, and a strong commitment to participating in the democratic process despite the perceived obstacles.

Opinions

The author views the act of voting by mail as a challenge, especially in the context of the 2020 election where it was heavily politicized.
There is a clear distrust of the current administration's stance on mail-in voting, with the author jokingly referring to the possibility of their vote being "fraudulated."
The author uses humor to underscore the gravity of the situation, emphasizing the importance of every vote in the face of perceived attempts to undermine the electoral process.
The process of ensuring the ballot's proper submission is likened to a dramatic battle, with each tool and step in the process contributing to the success of "Operation: Demoisturize."
The author takes a playful jab at the value of pennies, while simultaneously elevating them as symbols of tenacity and as practical tools in their democratic endeavor.
There is an underlying reverence for the democratic process, with the author going to great lengths to ensure their vote is counted, using items that hold symbolic significance in the context of democracy and power.

Election 2020

My Arsenal of Democracy

The Ordinance of Suffrage in 2020

Let’s talk about envelopes that don’t seal properly.

A few months ago, I filled out the application to vote by mail. I did this at a time when hysteria concerning COVID was peaking, schools were closing, the economy was starting its downhill slide and masks had not been elevated to the level of trendy must-have accessory.

School is now back in session, and from what I’ve seen, the American public has come to terms with the stifling inconvenience of the mask.

With that, I decided that I’d personally deliver my mail-in-ballot, thereby circumventing any possibility that my vote would be “fraudulated” (if the orange guy hasn’t used that term yet, just wait…)

Thing is, dear reader, the f*cking envelope wouldn’t completely seal. Observe -

I took this as a challenge from the orange guy. He wants me to inadequately seal the envelope, so that he might discard my vote like so many votes earnestly placed by the poor souls at the prom where Carrie is elected prom queen, has pig’s blood dumped on her, then destroys all the attendees with her Jedi powers.

I digress, but allow me to assert that trump only has Jedi level abilities to lie and comb his fine golden hair over his bald spot. Still, despite his limits, he will most certainly destroy us all if he is given another term.

Therefore, I pieced together a toolbox of items to ensure that my mail-in-ballot could withstand the scrutiny of even the most orange of constitution defilers.

Sponge on a Stick is the Excalibur in my impromptu armory of freedom. After years of slopping paint and judiciously spreading glue, “Stonge” as it is lovingly referred to by many in the cleaning/art supply industry, has been tasked with applying just the right amount of moisture to activate the adhesive on the underside of the flap.

As simple as that sounds, Stonge and I would walk a razors edge between inadequately moist and fraudulently soggy — both conditions a possible irregularity in the optimal exercise of the democratic process.

I tasked a glass jar, formerly home to some fancy yogurt, with containing the moisture necessary for this tedious pursuit of popular sovereignty.

I used tap water, but I sang the national anthem as it filled the receptacle. I suppose any kind of water, or liquid for that matter, will suffice as long as one boisterously sings the national anthem during the pouring process.

After a protracted and heart stopping scene not unlike a bomb diffusion scenario in a major Hollywood production, the moisture level was critical. Thence, I conscripted four further implements to serve in the arsenal of democracy.

With these four new tools, I initiated “Operation: Demoisturize”.

Name: Viva Select-a-Size Paper Towels. Specialty: Moisture acquisition

I wouldn’t be exaggerating if I said that the success of Operation: Demoisturize hinged on the absorbency of the Viva Select-a-Size bargain priced paper towel. I detached two — thus making it the size of a standard paper towel -folded hotdog style.

Gravity being what it is, the mass of the hotdog style duo of bargain priced paper towels was insufficient for optimal absorbency. I sought the aid of a bauble whose weight might bear down upon the disposable sheets of absorbent paper, lifting the moisture particles from the envelope containing my hope for the future.

Having written a groundbreaking piece about the true value of pennies –

The Legal Tender of Grit

The true value of pennies is not the… value. I submit that the penny is a symbol of tenacity; the legal tender of grit.

medium.com

I quickly concluded that the jar of pennies featured in that historic article would function perfectly as a gravity enhancer, and being filled with the likeness of Abraham Lincoln, it became a spiritual cudgel with which I could bludgeon the tyrannical moisture laying siege to the official stationary of fairly elected government.

The bottom of the glass bottle wasn’t manufactured for purposes of laying flush with a flat surface. As such, I employed the use of a flat surface as a buffer. I scanned the landscape of my apartment for a board, finding nothing.

Like with the jar of pennies, inspiration set my thoughts alight when I looked upon the books on my bookshelf. Here was a repository of objects, whose sole purpose was, when not being read, to be flat.

I reached for the first hardbound volume I saw, which happened to be Niccolo Machiavelli’s immortal treatise on absolute power, The Prince.

Oh, the irony! This short work that has inspired tyrants and despots the world over became a utensil in my struggle to uphold democracy!

Still, say what you will about Machiavelli and tyrants, but there will never be a good reason to let a perfectly good volume warp from exposure to damp conditions.

With that, I brought in the seventh and final piece in my arsenal of democracy — a piece of paper included with the voting packet. Not just any piece of paper, it was a list of write-in candidates for POTUS. This sheet of paper served as a buffer between an idol of tyranny and the tyrannical minutiae of a would be tyrant. It’s comforting to know that, even though I didn’t vote for any of those candidates, they still served democracy, and they served it well.

Operation: Demoisturize, phase 1 — Compressing the envelope to ensure my hopes and dreams don’t escape.

Operation: Demoisturize, phase 2 — hardening the seal of liberty

I’d call Operation: Demoisturize a success. USA! USA! USA!

I vigorously applied winds of justice to ensure that the seal would reach optimal signature readiness.

I signed it (I don’t want to show my signature on a mail-in-ballot. Just picture the above image with a beautiful signature on it.) Then it was off to election administration. I was greeted by a chipper blond lady with a face shield, she took me into a secret side room where I relayed my tale of tedium. She applied a special transparent adhesive strip to my envelope. Ensuring that the hopes and dreams contained therein will remain until called for.