Murmurings About My Life

Summary

The text is a poetic reflection on the author's life, drawing parallels between their personal experiences and the behaviors of birds.

Abstract

The author likens their birth and upbringing to the struggles of various birds, from the "hen mother" and "hawk-eyed father" wanting a son, to the "falcon father" and "owl-eyed mother" during a tumultuous adolescence. The narrative describes the challenges of growing up, including family expectations and the pain of not meeting them, as well as the personal battles of adulthood such as "dodgy births, disease, divorce, existential despair." The author sees themselves as an "albatross adult" apologizing to their inner child, longing for the wisdom and maturity of a "mid-life phoenix fairy tale." In the end, the author anticipates a peaceful death, with life's regrets being overshadowed by the beauty of "single moments taking flight."

Opinions

The author's birth was a challenging event, potentially disappointing to their parents who had specific gender expectations.
The author's adolescence was marked by conflict and a sense of estrangement from their parents, particularly the father who desired a more traditional, non-confrontational daughter.
The struggles of adulthood, including personal and existential challenges, are compared to the survival instincts of birds.
There is a sense of regret and self-reflection for not living up to an idealized version of adulthood, characterized by wisdom and maturity.
The author anticipates death with equanimity, finding solace in the beauty of life's moments.

Similarities noted between my life and birds I have observed

The Nesting

I was born, a terrible ordeal for my hen mother, a birth that easily might have torn a hole in the heart of the hopes of my hawk-eyed father, wanting a boy since his own duck mother had seemed to have exhausted her affection by the arrival of the seventh son of a clutch.

2. The Struggle to Fly

I grew up, a terrible ordeal for my falcon father, an adolescence so full of territorial wars I became a stranger to my owl-eyed mother, wanting a daughter just like herself, non-confrontational, staying put, her own vulture father surgically removing all fighting instincts with narcissistic precision.

3. Survival Instincts

I grew older, a terrible ordeal in some molting moments - dodgy births, disease, divorce, existential despair. An albatross adult apologizing to the inner child nonstop. Why am I not wise, mature, well put together, a mid-life phoenix fairy tale come true? I am still that small merlin girl with messy braids, dirty glasses, torn dress screeching ”Not fair!”

4. Migration

When I am dying, I have decided- it will not be a terrible ordeal.

I think my regrets will be silenced by the sound of single moments taking flight, leaving my mind with their murmurations and my wonder at their sound, form and color.