LUNCH LADY DISHES OUT

MuddyEditors Meeting Notes

The hour or more of magical thinking

The MuddyUm Editors Meeting is never only an hour. They’re slotted for an hour, but that’s just for warmups. Sometimes we show up grumpy, distracted or we have real-life problems.

We gotta take care of our mental health first. Then, we can excavate the funny. Meetings have run up to 2.5 hours, but you can hang up whenever you want. No judgment. I don’t know how long the meeting was on December 13, but it wasn’t an hour.

I also need to tell you, as you scan these meeting minutes, I’m no secretary. If someone were casting for a movie and I was in the secretary audition line, the casting director would redirect me to the quirky friend or disheveled ex-wife line.

If I were a secretary, I would be the kind of secretary that my boss hired because he owed someone a big favor. Like someone recognized the boss's shoes from a bank robbery and the would-be-witness said, “I won’t say anything if you hire my quirky friend as your secretary.”

But today, December 13, I am the secretary because all the other MuddyUm Pirates have jumped ship. Stinking scallywags.

HERE ARE MY NOTES — imagine them scribbled and exploding beyond the margins.

Susan B. showed up late because she’s in grad school, has a life, and is obligated everywhere. The MuddyEditors were getting ready for a mutiny but mutinies are tough when none of us have a solid ZOOM account. One of us may have a ZOOM account, but no one was fessing up.

When Susan B. showed up, we spent a little time talking about popularity in high school and how comedy writers and not generally popular in high school. Sarah Paris was but we already knew that. I mean Paris, you know? Who doesn’t love Paris?

I was sort of paying attention but also browsing an article on Medium about how to master 15 minutes of strategic browsing.

I assumed Holly See was taking notes as usual but it turned out, she was not. Today, was her day off. See, Mudditors are just like real people. They go to Target. They drink coffee. They sell weed. They wear hats.

Suddenly everyone was wearing a hat. Gary put on a custom-sized bowler hat he’d procured in Santa Fe — because MuddyUm editors are that kind of fancy. Susan told him he was channeling Charlie Chaplin. He nodded, just like Charlie Chaplin would have-real cool, subtle, and silent.

Lucia was suddenly wearing a straw sun hat, which she pulled out of her Bora Bora cabana she keeps her cat in.

A hunky Viking from a passing ship tossed his horned hat onto Holly’s head. She cheered up.

Susan thanked Sarah Paris for her Gift Giving article for children which Susan said, “My only problem with it was I wish it were longer.”

Susan told me, Amy Sea, that she loved when I came to meetings because she loved my big magnified eyes through my glasses and my expressive mouth.

I signed a contract that she could use me as a hyperbole emoji.

Baskerville told me my big glasses made me look like a lunch lady.

Andrew R. said, “That’s not what every woman wants to hear,” yet I was oddly flattered. Lunch ladies. Is there anything better for comedy? I’m more of a Gilda Radner than a Raquel Welch anyway.

We began discussing the MuddyUm contest and someone mentioned there were a lot of good entries on the subject of LAZY. Someone said, “Who doesn’t relate to lazy?”

Susan said, “Speaking of lazy, Andrew… have you started working on Dikkers funny filters?”

Andrew R. is going to start working with Scott Dikkers funny filters, by using them as writing prompts. He’s going to give us a funny filter and we’re going to use that filter to write funny by next week.

Holly said, “GRRRR! THAT SOUNDS LIKE HOMEWORK?” It was hard not to take Holly seriously when she was wearing that Viking’s hat.

Baskerville told her, “It’s extra credit, not homework” but her horns still glistened in fury. I think Baskerville was a little afraid of her Viking mafia connections.

Someone mentioned it looked like Andrew got his ears pierced on his birthday weekend. I think it was his headphones but who knows? Could be hoops.

We discussed circumcision and Susan mentioned her favorite uncircumcised boyfriend who was a Swede. We all became flushed in her honor.

Someone said, “It is Texas Law to get uncircumcised in the first six weeks.”

First weeks of what? I shivered.

Sadly, our Mudditor Texan, Carol Lennox, wasn't there to ask.

Baskerville suggested saying something evil about Ev Williams but the remainder of the Mudditors weren’t feeling very hateful about Ev this week, so it landed flat. Nice try though, Bask. Maybe next week.

Susan discussed finishing a book called The Ugly Truth about Facebook’s quest for world domination and suggested we all read it.

Baskerville said, “Facebook is the devil you should all get off.”

Holly responded, “Facebook is just like everything else — it reflects society.”

Susan said, “Facebook is for us old farts who are not tech-savvy and don’t want to learn new tech.”

Gary C. said what works about Facebook is “Reach and access. The reason old farts use it is because we learned it.”

Andrew said Facebook also had “Very low friction.”

Gary used Facebook for music and teaching.

Someone said I was glowing. I said “It’s the Lunchlady glow. It comes from butter.”

Susan said, “Butter, sputter, spud butter.”

Everyone agreed Andrew’s first Scott Dikker funny filter should be “Hyperbole.”

Gary frontloaded a hyperbole comment, so he doesn’t have any hyperbole homework. He’s such a solid student, he’ll probably write something anyway. Teacher’s pet.

I asked where Anu was. Everyone said, “India.” I said, “I know, but she’s usually here now and then.”

“It’s too late for her,” someone said. We talked about having a late-night meeting so Anu could come.

Susan is going to investigate how to make Baskerville a Co-host for our ZOOM meetings in case she is running late. She says things will be less crazy once she finishes up her semester.

Gary compares my glow to the golden box in Pulp Fiction.

Andrew R. takes out a flashlight for the sole purpose of being able to say “Yours is bigger than mine,” regarding my glow. My hat off to you, sir.

We discuss making a screen capture while we’re all posing like a GlamShot, and Gary says, “Let’s sit on that photograph idea.” He earns high praise from those of us who lean towards immediate gratification.

We discuss delayed cognition. There are some good zingers around delayed cognition behavior, but you had to be there for it. I forgot what they were.

Holly and Baskerville unite in saying some lines from the White Album.

Paul mentions your ass hurts when you meditate. So true.

Someone mentions Holly was the only one behaving like an adult. Holly says, “All women behave like adults.” Holly does not comment on how men behave. Sometimes less is more. This is one of those times. No one argues the point.

We discuss shock as a funny filter. Susan says, “Hogan Torah is the master of the shock filter.”

We discuss Boobs. Susan and I both share our Boob stories. We consider a Boob newsletter called Boobies with pictures of birds who are Boobies.

Holly confesses to having a dead bird in her freezer. Some museums and museum-adjacent places use them on display. She is saving it until she finds a place for it.

We consider a Boob story prompt.

Racheal says she has no idea how to write about boobs. I tell her to go outside and look at boobs.

Andrew says he would like to write about boobs but he doesn’t think his boob stories will do as well. Or maybe he already has written them and they didn’t do as well.

We discuss breastfeeding and whether or not whether you breastfed or not affects your relationships with boobs.

Gary says, “All men are mesmerized by boobs whether they were breastfed or not.”

We discuss punching up vs. punching down in humor.

Susan says, “Satire is the hardest thing to write well b/c it has to be rock solid in intention and clarity, so it’s also the hardest to edit.”

Susan anoints us all as bouncers to stories we do not like. We do not need to get her approval to bounce a story.

Six hours later, we sign off and return to Earth.