Oh Captain Our Captain

Mudditors Vote Down Union in Epic Swivel

“Swivel? That’s drivel!” cries chief negotiator Holly J See

In an epic swivel, the MuddyUm Mudditors voted down a proposal to unionize. Polls had predicted Mudditors would overwhelmingly favor joining Local 12 of the Villains, Thieves, and Scoundrels Union.

Baskerville Old Face (BOF), who along with Gary Chapin organized the union vote, expressed no regrets.

“This ain’t over. Now that he’s laid in three cords of wood, Gary has nothing to do all winter but play polkas and salvage newbies’ crappy prose. Same same. We’ll be back, and I’ve got the inside lane for shop steward. E̶r̶r̶,̶ ̶G̶a̶r̶y̶ ̶d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶y̶e̶t̶,̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶?̶”

Regarding polkas, Chapin plays accordion. BOF, the Baritone Clavier Thingamabob.

Carol Lennox, a key supporter of unionizing, was incensed.

“I told BOF that joining the Vintage, Things, and Scabbards Union wouldn't fly with the Se[e|a] sisters. I’ve got photos of the Motion Picture Editors Guild shop steward wearing an edible peppermint thong for God’s sake. Slam dunk, right? So much for free trips to LA. Anyone want to buy some Lakers tickets?”

The Villains, Thieves, and Scoundrels Union was founded by cartoon character Boris Badenov, posing a logistical challenge that BOF apparently neglected to consider.

“Whatevs.” BOF yawned.

“We employ a talking horse. Writers use titles like There Is No Title, and people turn to Hogan Torah for personal advice. I play the baritone clavier thingamabob. One of our crew thinks he’s an emoji whisperer. Since when have MuddyUm and Reality shared a universe?”

Had the vote passed, it’s unclear whether the Mudditors would have been classified as villains, thieves, or scoundrels. Or whether the local would have had Buccaneers tacked on to the name. BOF was lobbying hard for the rename, desperately hoping to land Tom Brady and Gronk.

Chapin said he was going to classify Andrew Rodwin, Emoji Whisperer as a thief, given he swiped Susan Bostian’s one-entity-clapping trope. Rodwin was rumored to consider this an honor, but, as Chapin noted, “there is no honor among thieves.”

Holly J See, the Mudditors’ chief negotiator, categorically denied there was any swiveling.

“No swivel, ok? The union thing was a bluff. I told BOF and Gary that, but they started mansplaining the dictatorship of the proletariat. Men, right? Well, except for Hubby. No, his name is actually “Hubby.” He’s a peach.”

Ms. See’s hard-nosed negotiations with MuddyUm owner Cap’n Susan Brearley, gave Mr. Editor enough ammo to convince a majority of Mudditors to vote No. In an impassioned speech, Editor roused support by stamping hooves, snorting, and biting the opposition.

“That was it for us,” said Sara Zadrima and Nanci Arvizu. “Mr. Editor’s a stud! We’d ride him anywhere!”

Ms. See won hefty compensation increases and blue chip titles for the whole MuddyUm staff.

Secretary of the Posterior Sarah Paris accepted her promotion on the condition that hemorrhoids be excluded from her bailiwick.

“Asses? Mais oui. Assholes? Mais non!” quipped Paris, reverting to her native tongue.

To cover the gap, Cap’n Brearley is actively recruiting a Mudditor for a brand new leadership role, Secretary of the Interior Posterior. Lucia Siochi balked at the opportunity, scoffing “I don’t need no stinkin’ hemorrhoids.” No response yet from Baskerville Old Face (BOF), who by group consensus is the odds-on favorite.

Other concessions graciously granted by the Cap’n to specific Mudditors include

• A #popularkids Slack channel where Sarah Paris can hang when she wants alone time. Also for Sarah Paris, a #eurocapitals channel where she can chillax with colleagues like Tommy Helsinki, Amber Moscow, and Bobbi Sue Copenhagen.
• Bangalore is henceforth on Eastern Standard Time so Anu Anniah can attend Mudditor meetings. Also, an agreement that the Cap’n will never recruit another editor named Anu, thus sparing them both the embarrassment of plurality.¹
• Regular stud time for Mr. Editor with mares at a nearby stable.
• R̶e̶g̶u̶l̶a̶r̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶d̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶P̶a̶u̶l̶ ̶H̶o̶s̶s̶f̶i̶
• GPS tags for Nanci Arvizu and Sara Zadrima so other Mudditors can figure out where the hell they are.
• Subsidized hemorrhoid removal for several editors who have requested anonymity. For more information, send $25 and a SASE to Susan Brearley, c/o MuddyUm.
• A new axe for Gary Chapin, specially designed for pruning extraneous adverbs.
• Pushing the limits of the concept “segue” by following that concession with another involving a tool used to bifurcate wood, a saw for Holly J See, so the Mudditor toddlers, by which I mean the Brudditors, can play on the Holly J SeeSaw
• A cafeteria for Amy Sea so she can serve up American chop suey, vegetable medley, and cuke ’n prune jello salad during Mudditor meetings, and yes, we know what everyone is going to nickname that jello salad

Brearley’s biggest concession was the foundation of a lucrative profit sharing plan for the Mudditors.

Brearley sounded pleased with the agreement.

After years of unfettered prosperity, it’s time to share the wealth. I would never want to be a Scrooge like Bezos, hoarding billions so he can fart around in space pretending he’s John Glenn and feign literacy by purchasing The Washington Post. This way, maybe Rachael Ann Sand can buy those Dr. Scholl’s metatarsal pads she’s always dreamed of, or Nanci Arvizu can sign her kids up for some free Coursera courses. I feel blessed to be able to give so much to these hard working Mudditors!

To mark the agreement and rebuild team spirit, the team plans to amp up the use of piratical imagery, including but not limited to

• Three-pegged races
• Getting wasted on egggrog to celebrate New Year’s Eve
• Donating used eyepatches to Eyepatches for the Needy
• Donating used talking parrots to Talking Parrots for People With Echolalia
• Donating used talking parrots to Talking Parrots for People With Echolalia
• Forcing captives to say campy pirate stuff like “Arrrgh” and “Matey” until they beg for a painful death
• Hosting a Take Your Child to Work Day, so parents can teach kids career skills like dancing the hornpipe on a peg leg and how to use their hook hand to open a can of pinto beans

¹ Shamelessly plagiarized from Anu Anniah. No honor among thieves!