MUDDY MONDAY
Mudditor’s Monday Meeting Minutes
Of dogs, spiders, squid, and avocado toast
The first few minutes found Holly J See stuck watching Baskerville Old Face make an onion, mushroom, and kale 3-cheese omelet with anchovies. Soon Cap’n Susan Brearley showed up telling us how the best place to get avocado toast is at Dunkin Donuts. Apparently Panera’s doesn’t have it going on. They toast you a sesame bagel and give you a plastic container of cream cheese and half an avocado. From there you are on your own.
Fortunately Holly had the foresight to get pet insurance as one of her dogs is Woody Allen level neurotic, requiring hours each week on the couch. Not Holly’s couch — he gets all he wants of that one, and it shows — the one in the dog psych’s office.
Big News!
Sarah Paris is on her way back from Uranus — she still can’t decide how to pronounce it — thanks to you, our writers, readers, and editors. In celebration Cap’n Susan Brearley will host a Jerry Lewis style telethon during which the mudditors will award the perks to the lucky perkees. You won’t want to miss it! Namely, because some of the perks are of such a nature that they will be awarded right then and there!
If you are there, you get to partake of the perk,¹ so watch this space!
The list of perks follows. Which will be awarded on the air? Only one way to find out — show up! Can you stand it? I didn’t think so. Be there!
$1.00 — You’ll get a warm personal thank you from one of the Mudditors.
$5.00 — Amy See will read to you from this very cool just published Comedy Book.
$5.00 — Amy Sea will read to you from this other very cool just published Humor Book.
$10.00 — Susan says Amy will still read and even turn on the video in the Zoom room — Amy disagrees.
$5.00 — Baskerville Old Face — aka BOF — promises to keep his old face out of your next MuddyUm story.
$10.00 — Sarah Paris will Rap OG Tribe Called Quest, but since she’s on Uranus we don’t know what the audio will be like.
$10.00 — Holly See will send you a dime bag of primo poodle fur.
$20.00 — BOF will autograph a random book, and ship it to you.
$20.00 — Lucia S. will lead you on a virtual cat therapy session. This is cat petting, not pussy petting.
$50.00 — Sarah Paris will personally write a funny story. Just for you.
$50.00 — Holly See will read LIVE a Hogan Torah story.
$50.00 — Susan Brearley will recite Amy See’s story, “The Vagina Doctor Doesn’t Remember My Face,” in a rap style.
$50.00 — BOF will serenade you with his baritone horn while wearing his favorite dress.
Now back to the only fun Zoom meeting in existence, the Mudditors Monday Morning Melee of Madness!
Newfound and existing anxieties prevail among the MuddyUm editorial staff. Susan almost lost it in Applebee’s. Too many people. Baskerville had a panic attack during choir rehearsal. Cheek by jowl in the choir stalls proved too much, even masked. Then along came a spider that sat down beside Holly. She ran to get a fly swatter but by the time she returned the spider could not be found. Holly is still out for blood despite her colleagues’ admonition, If you want to live and thrive/Let a spider run alive.
Not all gloom and doom though. Susan’s COVID test came back negative. Baskerville described the sublime experience of the self-administered 2-nostril deep-brain nasal swab.
No one can decide which TV shows to watch. Susan thinks BOF should watch Dexter. BOF thinks Susan should watch The Squid Game. Sara Zadrima said no, that show is for psychos. Someone said Lovecraft County is just nuts and therefore perfect for BOF, but he doesn’t have HBO. Everyone hates The Blacklist.
We almost lost both Holly and Sara Z. They took off for Uranus, but spent so much time arguing over how to pronounce it they decided to return to earth before they brained each other.
¹ We are just so egalitarian.
