Humor Article. Oh That Feels Good.
Mudditor for A Day!
I don’t need no stinkin’ subtitle
What the hell? Check out my Medium screen! I’m a Mudditor!
How did this happen?
More importantly, who cares!
For months, I’ve wanted to write with a reckless, nay profligate, abundance of punctuation. Just strew the (‘s and :’s and -’s around like confetti on VJ Day.
Good luck with that. Folks like Baskerville Old Face and Amy Sea will strip your punctuation like prison guards hunting contraband.
Writer #356429. Assume the position. We’re doing a rectal cavity search. We know you’ve got parentheses in there.
But I’m a Mudditor! For a day anyway.
Holy shit! Punctuation Party!
I was about to purge my colons when it hit me.
MuddyUm is a community.
Why not think of someone else before yourself? OK, I stole that line from Susan Brearley.
Why not think of something before someone else thinks of it?
So instead of going on a high-calorie ampersand binge, I decided to serve my fellow MuddyUm writers.
- Baskerville Old Face pretends kickers are important, but I know Susan Brearley put him up to it. As Baskerville said recently on Medium, “Kickers ain’t worth a bucket of warm spit.” So, in the spirit of service, I changed all of the kickers on his MuddyUm posts to “Humor Article.” Hey, no woman ever murdered her husband because his kickers suck, am I right?
- Holly J See needs to beef up her Profanity Density Index. So I added some, ok a lot, ok a fucking truckload, of profanity to her posts. Mostly as adjectives modifying references to other Medium writers. Holly will enjoy getting lots of Medium notifications. No need to thank me Holly!
- I know that Hogan Torah is only kidding when he says poetry is a “vile shit-filled pit of useless fucking word-snot.” So I replaced the content of his recent articles with everything Sylvia Plath ever wrote. If I can contribute to Hogan being more well-rounded, well, I am here to serve. Even a fastball pitcher like Hogan has to toss a changeup now and then.
- Let’s not forget about good old Smillew Rahcuef. You know he’s a polyglot. So I translated his posts into the most obscure language I could find. I am sure the huge Samoan community on Medium will fill his coffers with countless hours of reading time.
- Remember that great Halloween article by Drew Patty and Ryan Zaharako? Not sure why they forgot how much I contributed to it. They must feel awful. So I deleted the post from Drew’s account and added it to mine. Don’t worry guys, I will be sure to Venmo you a fair share of the take. Less handling fees.
- As you know, Roz Warren is a professional. But there’s such a thing as too polished. Being an amateur, I know how to expertly split an infinitive, so I sprinkled some rookie mistakes throughout her work. Roz has now regressed to the mean and is just one of the gang! We love ya Roz, bring it in!
- Finally Amy Sea. Honestly Amy, your prose is stunning. You should write for the New Yorker. So I deleted your Medium account. Out of the nest, chickadee. Onward and upward!
Wow. Being a Mudditor is hard work! I hope today is one and done!