Moving Through Life With My BFF
Thank You Notes #43
Friendships are like shoes. They enter our lives under different circumstances, serve varying purposes, and for one reason or another, some last longer than others. Maybe they’re poorly constructed or they’re too much trouble. I once had a pair of four-inch heels that I only wore a couple of times because they pinched my toes. And, I threw my last pair of sneakers in the trash shortly after I bought them because they gave me terrible blisters.
Despite the short-termers, I feel lucky to have made so many great friends in my lifetime— many of whom are so well-worn by now that they’re easy to slip in and out of no matter how much time elapses between talking or seeing one another.
Just last night, I had dinner with my best friend from high school. We met in the sixth grade, grew apart when I went away to college, but reconnected over the last several years and try to get together whenever we can. Then there’s my college roommate. She was the maid of honor at my wedding, and even though we haven’t seen each other in a long time, I know I can pick up the phone any time and tell her absolutely anything. I’ve also made lasting friendships with co-workers and fellow neighborhood moms, each of whom I share something special in common that keeps us in touch.
While I’m grateful for all my friends, there’s one in particular that immediately came to mind in considering how to respond to this writing prompt. You don’t have to ask me twice to write about the friend who has seen me through the last twenty-five years, pretty much on a daily basis. The challenge is how to say everything I want to say without frightening readers with an overly aggressive word count. She’s that important to me, and there’s a lot of good material!
We met when we lived up the street from each other, and we were both in the last trimesters of pregnancy. I already had a two-year-old, and she was expecting her first child. We bonded over trying to navigate motherhood while living far away from our own moms. And even though we both moved to different communities as our families grew, we managed to see each other often. But when I relocated out of state, most of our contact became limited to over the phone.
That was more than 20 years ago, and I remember being concerned that we would lose touch. No worries there. I think the distance actually made us closer. We talk at least every other day. Sometimes about the heavy stuff, like how weird it feels to be empty nesters. Other times, we spend hours sharing tips on what’s on sale at Target or laughing about the latest episode of our favorite reality tv shows.
We’ve also shared a few travel adventures. It’s not that I get away too often, but whenever a girls’ trip is in the realm of possibility, she’s always my go-to girl. Some of the memorable destinations we’ve explored together include Florida, Aruba, Cape Cod, and New York City. Once, when we were both desperate to actually SEE each other, we booked a hotel an equal distance between our homes and just hung out there all weekend. We laughed, drank wine, and ate chocolate (including an entire bag of Turtle Chex Mix in less than ten minutes). We joked about how lame we could be, choosing to put on our pajamas in a hotel room to watch on-demand movies instead of getting dressed up and going out to eat.
On one of our vacations, we took a “deep-sea walk,” where we climbed down a boat-side ladder to more than 20 feet below sea level and trekked across the ocean floor. We looked a little like astronauts, equipped with giant helmets, wetsuits, and oxygen tanks. To say we were both petrified would be an understatement. Neither of us is very adventurous, and I’m surprised we actually went through with it. I remember how long it took to coax one another to finally jump in the water.
Looking back at that day, it seems symbolic. Several years after that, on New Year’s Eve 2014, my best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember the phone call vividly. The news was devastating and suddenly our dialogue abruptly changed. We went from talking about our kids, celebrities, and the latest fashion trends, to anything and everything related to the C-word.
I wanted to do something, but I felt helpless. The miles that separate us made that difficult, so, we just kept doing what we’d been doing — talking regularly and simply being there for each other. I know that when she calls to say, “please talk me off the ledge,” I better sit down and pour myself a cup of tea. Years later, that continues to be our code phrase, and the tea kettle is always ready.
The good news is that she made it through—battled her cancer like a beast and she’s doing great now. And for some added irony, I was diagnosed with breast cancer less than two years after she was. How’s that for a twist? Not something we ever imagined having in common.
There’s no doubt my diagnosis was made much easier after living through my friend’s journey with her. She already knew the lingo and coached me on all the questions to ask. At one point, she even made the trip to my house to come with me to an appointment with my oncologist. I listened as she interrogated him about my treatment options and chances of survival. What I remember most about that appointment is how lucky I felt to have such a special person in my life— someone who has shown me the true power of love and friendship.
Over the years, she and I have drawn courage and strength from one another, and not just on the bottom of the ocean floor. We’ve learned to read each other’s minds, know when and how to offer encouragement, and understand when to give each other space.
Our long-standing joke is that if we outlive our husbands (which women statistically do), we’ll find a nice retirement community where we can finally share the same zip code again. In the meantime, we can rely on the phone to chat about our families, our favorite Netflix shows, and what kind of shoes to buy for the upcoming season. And when life throws us curveballs, as it always does, we’ll continue to offer our ears, our shoulders, and our hearts.
Nothing beats the gift of a best friend, and I’ll always be thankful for mine!
