Movie Scripts from the ’90s that Nearly Pass the Bechdel Test

All starring Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise

*To pass the Bechdel test, a movie must feature two named women who talk to one another about something other than a man.

Excerpt from “Men Make Fast Cars Go Fast”

Woman #1: Hey there, you. Did you hear the news? About those men building a very fast car?

Woman #2: You mean Keith Hudson, James McBride, and Walter “Doogie” Brown Jr.?

Woman #1: Precisely, all those men, they’re down on the track, working on some kind of super car that drives faster than the speed of sound.

Woman #2: My, that sounds extremely important. Wouldn’t it be something if they let us see inside the car?

Woman #1: Just washing the windows would be a thrill.

Woman #2: [Laughs hysterically as she touches her hair]

Excerpt from “Astronaut Brad Clark Williams Goes to Outer Space”

Female Astronaut #1: Hey, space-pal, can you believe those men let us into outer space? Good thing Captain Brad Clark Williams is here with us. He’s exceptional.

Female Astronaut #2: I hear he studied aerospace engineering at Harvard…and that his wife also went to Harvard. If only I could remember her name.

Female Astronaut #1: I think it’s something like “Lady” or “Brad’s Wife.”

Excerpt from “Very Important War People”

Mother: Say it isn’t true, son. Tell me that my boy, Adam Seth Donahue, isn’t really going to war.

Adam Seth Donahue: I’m sorry, Mom, but I have to be brave, like father taught me.

Father: That’s right, Adam Seth Donahue. You were born to serve your country, just like me, your father, Adam Seth Donahue Senior.

Sister: If only I could be as important as you both one day.

Mother: [Claps a hand over Sister’s face.] Quiet, child, the men are speaking.

Father: Did a small mouse just say something? Or is there like a high-pitched wind coming through a window somewhere?

Excerpt from “The Man With the Really Really Big Fishing Pole”

Wife: Precious Matthew, you’re really going back out there, into the dangerous ocean?

Matthew Gunther: I have to, Sugar Cup. So long as that big fish is out there, the ocean will keep calling for me, Matthew Gunther, to put my big pole into the water and pull it out.

Matthew Gunther’s Sister: But what about Momma? She’s dying, Matthew Gunther. What if she passes while you’re gone? How will you ever forgive yourself?

Matthew Gunther: And if that big fish dies while I’m here, sitting beside our mother’s deathbed? How will she ever forgive herself?

Wife: It’s a valid point, sister-in-law.

Matthew Gunther’s Sister: My name is Claire. You’ve known me thirty years. I was at your bedside for the birth of all seven of your children.

Wife: I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the ocean. It’s calling for Matthew Gunther. The fish is still out there. He must go put his pole in the water and bring it out.

Matthew Gunther: I have the biggest pole in all of Montana.

Wife: [Closes her eyes and nods in agreement.]

Matthew Gunther’s Ailing Mother: [Calling from deathbed] You get that fish, Matthew Gunther. Show the ocean how big your pole is. Do it for me, your mother, whose name is… [mother dies]

Becky Mandelbaum is the author of The Bright Side Sanctuary for Animals and Bad Kansas. Read more at beckymandelbaum.com/humor or follow her on Instagram @beckymandelbaum.