Movie Plots Interpreted By A Woman With Anger Issues

I am about to change how you feel about these films.

Hollywood has bestowed upon us some incredible masterpieces, some are humorous, tragic, romantic, terrifying, and the rest of the less critical genres. You know, like “sci-fi.”

I’m sure we all love a good classic, but I am in a cruel mood and would like to distort some of your favorites from their original status, to total trash – because obliterating stuff fuels me.

Let’s dig in.

1. A murderous man who spent his entire existence locked up, for the murder of two people, was released. He went back to his hometown to live a healthy life. He befriended a small child – The child’s mother was well aware he was a killer, yet, invited him to live with her and her son. Because someone needs the mom of the year award, guess the movie? “Sling Blade.”
2. A group of men, super attractive and unnaturally flawless bodies, decide to pick a fight with an army of other super hot men. They get confronted by a dude who’s not in their “clique” who wants to help them fight, however, because he is disabled and not super sexy, they deny him – eventually, that decision lead to the reason the lose and die. Being judgmental isn’t cool. What movie was that? “300.”
3. A few men are looking for a stupid cup; they want it so bad that they are willing to fight a mentally unstable man, causing severe abuse, including cutting off the man’s limbs. They also visit a brothel, all to find out that someone else took the adult sippy cup first. Men will be men; that movie was “Monty Python and the search for the Holy Grail.”
4. An angry woman (not me) who was betrayed by her lover, decides to threaten and curse her lover’s new child, she then steals his kid and wants to kill it – being bipolar, she ends up liking the kid, then kills the child’s father (her ex) and keeps the kid. (I thought I was crazy.) “Maleficent.”
5. A boy who was clearly, never loved, develops an anti-authority complex; he takes a bunch of kids and hides them in the forest so he can live youth vicariously through them. Oh yeah, he also keeps a woman as a pet. “Peter Pan.”
6. An older man permits a strange gentleman (who has taken one billion+ lives – and now wants his life) to date his daughter. Just so, the older man can have a birthday party. “Meet Joe Black.”
7. A married couple, who know nothing about each other, are both violent and abusive. They discover a common ground — which is murder and being masochistically inclined, and fall in love, again? “Mr. And Mrs. Smith.”
8. A couple goes to sleep – for quite some time, and wake up to a world of idiotic humans who think they know everything, and he has to deal with being the only intelligent life left – Aka, the entire internet today. “Idiocracy.”
9. An entire community verbally attacks and shuns a child for not “fitting in, ” until they realize there is room for a difference of opinion. “ Happy Feet.”

Some honorable mentions

1. A bunch of unintelligent cops who fail at life. Oddly coincidental for today. “Super Troopers.”
2. One large fast-food add. “Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.”
3. A real-life close up of the majority of our news stations today! “Anchorman.”

Stay tuned for my discombobulated T.V. show plots.