Motherhood: Official Game Rules

A satire

Maybe you’re thinking about becoming a mother but aren’t sure how to win at this game. Or maybe you’re thinking about not having children but aren’t sure how to position yourself as a useful member of society. This guidebook will help you by outlining the very clear rules about female reproduction and the value of motherhood, as well as how to earn the most points possible.

Birth

In the game of motherhood, there’s really only one way to achieve the most points possible: give birth naturally. By doing this, you have proven your grit and your true merit as a woman. This is what women have been doing since the dawn of time. You clench your teeth and get the job done.

However, you may indulge in an epidural without losing too many points. In these circumstances, however, you will be subject to the public’s opinion about your birthing choices — lose 10 points.

If you have a C-section, others will have the option of debating the validity of this decision, especially if it was not made due to a dire medical emergency in which your baby (not you) was in mortal danger. Lose 25 points.

Those who adopted their children will not be eligible to win this game. These women did not “earn” the role of motherhood by going through the difficult process of pregnancy and enduring the pain of childbirth. Though points will be earned for the sacrifice of taking on another woman’s child as one’s own.

Stepmotherhood doesn’t really count as motherhood, though it will elevate you at least one step higher than not having children, at all.

Breastfeeding

In order to earn the most points here (100), you must breastfeed — using your breast (not pumping and using bottles for later), happily and generously. This should continue for approximately one year. Any more than that is questionable and any less is unacceptable.

You can occasionally opt for bottles if you only use breast milk, but this will cost you a few points.

If you feed your baby formula, you will lose 50 points.

Miscarriages

If you have had a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages at a time when you are actively trying to start or continue growing your family, your losses will be grieved by all those around you. Gain 20 points for the first miscarriage, 30 for the next, and so on. This will be considered a sacred time and you will be given all the space, time, patience, and support that you need to get through it. Later, after you have had a successful pregnancy, your miscarriages will be considered your badges of honor, your war scars.

If you have a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages at a time when you are not trying to grow your family — in other words, when the pregnancy was unintentional — you will not be eligible for as much sympathy as a woman who had planned and wanted her pregnancy. If you feel a loss, you will have to keep your grief to yourself, particularly because it is insensitive for you to grieve over something you didn’t even plan when so many women who want to have children are struggling with infertility. Lose 20 points.

If you have a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages and end up childless, your miscarriages do not count. Your experience is subject to erasure. You haven’t earned anything through the hard work of motherhood, so the acknowledgement that you were once pregnant is not required by those whose pregnancies manifested in living children. Lose 50 points.

Infertility

You will be granted a minimum of 75 points in exchange for the frustration and struggle of not being able to conceive. You will still be subject to public opinion about your family planning choices even in infertility (that’s a standard rule, even for those who choose not to have children), but you will also be eligible for the maximum amount of sympathy and respect from others, particularly those who are mothers.

If fertility treatments gift you with multiple embryos, choosing to bring them all to term will grant you 50 points per child, though you will be required to explain your decision to anyone who asks why you made such a radical decision. Lose 25 points per explanation. If you choose the path of selective abortion, you will lose 50 points per termination and still have to explain your decision to others, at a loss of 5 points per explanation.

Number of children

Remember that the points you earn will grow exponentially with each child you have. If you have four or more children, you will be lauded as a superhero. Your organizational skills, patience, and hard work will be celebrated by everyone in your family and circle of friends. Your social media feeds depicting assembly-line chocolate chip cookie production or family talent show night will be the envy of everyone who sees them. You will receive 10 points for the first child, 20 for the second, and so on.

However, please be aware that having four or more children will also give others permission to make jokes about or criticize your family planning decisions. Each one of these comments will cost you 10 points.

If you choose not to have children, you will not be eligible to play this game and will be removed from the playing field. You won’t be able to understand what it’s like to experience what other women are experiencing so we’re going to have to ask you to stay in your designated area.

Childrearing

For maximum points (100), you must be a stay at home mom who is deeply involved with your child’s life. You should play with them a minimum of six hours a day, and maintain a strict no-technology environment (TV and tablets are not meant to be your child’s babysitter). However, this choice will subject you to the judgment of those who do not stay at home with their children. Lose 70 points.

For those that choose to take a hit in this category (50 points, maximum), you may also work, but only if you exhibit an appropriate amount of mom-guilt and acquiesce to regular critiques by women who choose to be more involved with their children’s lives. Lose 20 points.

Aunthood

Aunthood is not a substitute for motherhood and should not be treated as such.

If you have children of your own, you will earn at least 50 points for even the most basic involvement of your nieces’ and nephews’ lives.

If you do not have children of your own, aunthood will not earn you points because you don’t already have children of your own. You might also be asked to leave the playing field when you are not needed or are occupying space needed by the mothers. If you want to stay on the field and earn points, have your own children.

We hope that this guidebook has helped you understand the official rules and point distribution in the game of Motherhood. We want you to achieve the highest level of success possible, which is why we made such a strident effort to clarify these complicated issues.

Please reach out to us if you have any further questions and good luck on journey.

Author’s note: To be clear, this is a satire. I hope that every woman who reads this feels validated.

© Yael Wolfe 2020

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