Great Jokes of the Western World — Work

The Mother of All Dad Jokes

The final chapter in the first volume

That sucks!

I’m going to sell my vacuum cleaner. It’s just gathering dust.

Nailed it!

Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?

Tip shop

I’m starting a new job at a restaurant tomorrow. I can’t wait!

Laughing all the way

I’m asking everyone to cross their fingers for me. I’m about to go speak with the bank manager, and if things work out for me, my life will be totally changed. I’m talking hundreds of thousands here, maybe millions. Wish me luck!

I’m so excited I can hardly get the stocking over my head!

Life goals

I don’t play club football for the money. I just do it for the kicks.

No burden

The most respectable job I ever had was as a scarecrow. Not great pay, but I was widely regarded as outstanding in my field.

On the verger

I just quit my job at the cemetery. I was convinced that I was in grave danger.

Fall guy

I think I’ve gotten the best job yet: clearing leaves.

I’m really raking it in.

Cold comfort

In high school, the teacher asked us all to share our dream career. I stood up and received a round of applause when I said I hadn’t made my mind up between astronaut or rock star, but whatever path I took, I’d make sure it was a cool gig.

And it worked out that way, believe it or not. Kids shriek with delight when they see me and come running every time I play music on the ice cream van.

Cutting it short

My bonsai business has been so successful I’ve had to move to a smaller shop.

Career switch

I lost my job on the railways. My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever! How many derailments have you had?”

“I’ve lost count,” I replied. “It’s hard to keep track.”

All fired up

I lost my job last week. Unemployment is just not working for me.

Boldface

If you really want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

Inquire within

I used to work in a library on the Information desk. One day a woman came up to me and asked me where the Self-Help section was.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “but if I told you that, it would defeat the purpose.”

Sofa so good

An update on the unfortunate employee at the upholstery plant who accidentally fell into the machinery. He is now fully recovered.

Love my work

I do a little public speaking, and I always like to start with some audience engagement. Get them on their toes and hopefully keep them there. So I’ll look out into the hall and ask, “Are there any horse lovers in the audience tonight?”

One or two will raise their hands.

“Excellent!” I’ll say, beaming. “Because I brought along some throat lozenges!”

A whole lot of dough

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

Marching orders

I have this job at a calendar factory, but they never let me take days off.

All the word’s a stage

I wrote a drama about puns.

Really, it was just a play on words.

No second chance

I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory. After all the extra hours I put in, too.

Current employment

People are often shocked to discover I’m not a licensed electrician.

Careering

They laughed at me in school when I said I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up.

Well, they’re not laughing now!

Britni

All the jokes so far: