THIS HAPPENED TO ME

Motel Reviews From When I Was Homeless

You can’t do drugs all the time

Being a homeless junkie is pretty boring. Do crime. Trade pilfered items for cash. Meet up with your dealer. Do drugs and sell them till they run out, then commit more crime.

For the few hours of down time I had in a day there wasn’t much to do. No cable television, video games, or couch to sit on if you did. There’s people around to talk to but these people aren’t my friends. My friends had stopped talking to me.

Most homeless people have an Obama smart phone. Places to charge your phone are scarce so you need to conserve your charge. Games drain your battery and the phones sucked, so I read a lot.

Then I rediscovered my love of writing by leaving reviews on Google Maps. I reviewed everything.

My motel reviews are popular among the homeless motel hoppers in Los Angeles who also spend their free time reviewing places. Here’s some of my hits.

Review of Jefferson / USC Metro Expo Station (4 stars)

Sometimes the train smells like farts. Usually it’s me providing the farts. Sometimes I fart slow, sometimes I fart quick. The B.O. smell is not me and that guy should be forced to travel outside of the train. When you walk under the freeway, it always smells like weed, but I’ve never actually seen anyone smoking it. Whoever is smoking the weed, please give me a bit as I’ve had a long day. I promise to stop farting in the train if you do.

Sunset West Hotel, SureStay Collection by Best Western. (3 stars)

It’s a Motorlodge out of the 70’s except it happens to be smack bang center Hollywood. I was on the third floor and they said it was being remodeled but with the the way the building shifted with the wind it was more like they were just trying to keep the building from falling over.

The walkway to my room had sections of the railing missing. There were times where nothing was under me but quarter inch thin plywood. My room had the squeakiest floor I’ve ever experienced in my 37 years. I felt so bad for the people underneath me until I saw them the next morning. Fortunately they weren’t the sleeping type. Conveniently adjacent to the hooker part of Sunset Blvd. Good water pressure.

Royal Knight Motel (1 star)

Hey, I found a sex motel! Awesome! Dungeon room please. Checked in. I saw the room and I was stoked. Mirrored ceilings! wall shackles were a little high but nice touch. Was more like bathtub in the middle of the room room than Jacuzzi suite. I was really looking forward to doing meth and having sex for a few days there.

Then I checked between the mattress and the foundation for bed bugs. I Saw live bed bugs for the first time. My girlfriend didn’t care because she saw bugs all the time whether they were really there or not. Checked out. Was charged hourly rate. Front desk was apologetic.

Sylmar Motel (3 stars)

Beats sleeping in your car. Cheapest motel in town but not the worst. Channel 20 is all porn, but disgusting old porn like your friend’s dad had when you were a teenager. I hadn't busted a nut in a week and after watching the porn channel for 5 minutes all I felt inspired to do was throw up. The people who run the place are nice unless you're still in your room after checkout time. No ice machine but plenty of clear shards around.

Universal Inn (1 star)

The place is a dump. I might be over selling it. It was the only place I could afford in the area. Cheap and they don’t need to see ID. Each stay had it’s own unique horrors.

Once I saw a different fist fight in the parking lot every time I opened my room door. Three total. One time I was woken up from the ceiling collapsing under the weight of whatever this black crap is .

Every time you open your door there’s a new horror waiting for you. Some people say this this is the worst hotel in Los Angeles. The others haven’t stayed here. I think it maybe the worst in California.

The only thing universal about this motel is it’s awfulness. Never ask for another room. They put you in this far corner room I’m positive something is decomposing in. I’m not trying to be witty. This place is horrible. Stay somewhere else. Terrible toilet paper. Free late checkout at 1pm.

That experience was a blessing in disguise though. It’s there I woke up at what I wasn’t sure was sunrise or sunset, looked at the room I just slept in, looked into the mirror, and asked myself what am I doing with my life? That moment at the Universal Inn was the catalyst for me getting sober.

Year and half. Yay me. Whatever.

As great as smoking heroin with sex workers sounds, these reviews remind me of reality. I’m glad I took pictures. I just wish I could remember where these two were from.