Summary

The article discusses a Danish husband's perspective on the unromantic aspects of American life, including the challenges of raising children, the concept of joint accounts and identities, and the influence of romantic comedies and social media.

Abstract

The author's Danish husband finds America to be less than romantic due to various cultural and systemic differences. He points out that the strain of child-rearing is exacerbated by the lack of support systems such as free healthcare and subsidized daycare, which are standard in Denmark. The American practice of merging identities through joint bank accounts and shared surnames is seen as unromantic co-dependency, contrasting with Denmark's values of independence and gender equality. Additionally, he criticizes American romantic comedies and social media for setting unrealistic expectations about romance, which the author herself has grown to see as less important than the intellectual synergy between partners.

Opinions

The husband believes that the constant interruptions and lack of rest in American hospitals after childbirth are romance killers.
He is critical of the American system for not providing free healthcare and adequate parental leave, making it difficult for parents to balance work and childcare.
The idea of a husband and wife becoming one entity through joint accounts and tax filings is seen as unromantic and contrary to Danish ideals of independence.
He views American romantic comedies as creating unrealistic romantic expectations, particularly for women.
The husband appreciates a partnership where both individuals are self-sufficient and independent, a concept more common in Scandinavia.
He is not swayed by social media portrayals of romance and believes that true love is found in the meeting of minds and ideas.

The Most Unromantic Things About America, According To My Danish Husband

Tax returns and dirty diapers

Photo by Jomjakkapat Parrueng on Unsplash

My Danish husband is anything but a romantic. Yet he became even less so since we moved to the U.S. According to him, it’s impossible to have the time and energy left for anything romantic when you live in America (with three kids).

So, needless to say, I’m in charge of planning date nights and “romantic dinners,” while my husband navigates the difficulties that come with immigration and makes sarcastic comments.

So here are a few most unromantic things about our country, according to the bitter Dane I’m married to.

Having children

Having a child can put a strain on your romance in the best of circumstances and in the best of countries.

“Having a child in America is a definite romance killer,” my husband stated after we had our daughter in Los Angeles.

It started in the (UCLA) hospital where instead of having time to bond and rest, we were interrupted by constant visits from doctors, nurses, and bureaucrats trying to “do their jobs.” As a result, I never received more than three consecutive hours of sleep in three days, and my husband and I barely had time to talk, let alone bond with the baby.

Six hours after I gave birth after midnight, a grumpy woman arrived and demanded to know the child’s name so she could get started on a birth certificate (true story). She then proceeded to scold us for not having picked a middle name, which was not a custom in either of our home countries and strongly recommended we come up with one. At which point, the baby woke up, all hell broke loose and the woman left. To this day, our daughter is without a middle name.

After a stream of note-taking visitors, I finally told a doctor to get the hell out of the room so we could rest. She rolled her eyes and told me that “parenting was difficult,” in case I didn’t know. To which my ever-silent husband responded with: “You’re making it more difficult than it needs to be.”

He soon learned it was just the beginning.

America, to my husband’s amazement, is the only developed country in the world without free healthcare, even for children, a subsidized daycare system, or decent maternity or paternity leave, leaving the parents struggling to juggle work and childcare.

So on top of sleepless nights and dirty diapers, parents, especially mothers, are left with having to fight for their right to work and care for their children, without going broke. And there’s nothing romantic about that.

Joint everything

According to my husband, the American idea of a husband and wife as one entity is not at all as romantic as they make it out to be.

He was not impressed with me taking his last name, suggesting we have a joint bank account, and being disadvantaged if we filed taxes separately. None of these things exist in his home country of Denmark, known for its true gender equality.

“What is so romantic about co-dependency?” my husband asked me.

Even the idea of marriage is considered old-fashioned in Denmark, where it’s totally common to have three children with someone and not be married.

Shocked at this blunting attack on the most sacred of all American institutions, marriage, I began to appreciate his point of view with time, as I read more about Scandinavian ideas of relationships.

“A woman should be self-sufficient and independent,” my husband elaborates, “and not rely on her partner or government for a handout.”

I found out that housewives or “homemakers” were not common in Scandinavia where most women strived to work and had the full ability to do so. After twenty years in America, this was a lot for me to take in.

So the Danish idea of romance is two Viking-like equally-footed individuals walking through life together. And we in America have a long way to go in achieving such a vision.

Romantic comedies (and Instagram)

I’m sure my husband won’t be the only man to say that American (and British) romantic comedies are the most unromantic thing out there.

“Nothing works better for setting up unrealistic expectations in women than those silly movies,” he complains. And rightly so.

Luckily, I’ve passed the phase where outside influences affected how I felt about my own life, but there was a time when most of my ideas of life and romance were based on romantic movies, Facebook, and the just-getting-popular Instagram. These days, I spend almost no time on social media and rarely watch romance. With very little free time, we have to compromise on what to watch, and Hugh Grant never wins.

And don’t get my husband started on Instagram (he’s not on it). Luckily, I know better than saying that so-and-so went on a beautiful vacation, and shouldn’t we do the same?

In my alone moments, I’m still guilty of curling up on the couch with a pint of ice cream and Bridget Jones’ Diary and dreaming of two men fighting in a fountain over me. What’s so unromantic or unrealistic about that?

After all, what I’m learning from my husband is that romance is overrated and true love is in the synergy of minds and ideas between partners.

Yet all this talking got me pining for Notting Hill and a good glass of wine.

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