Most People Get This Simple Thought Exercise Wrong

And I think it’s time we change that

“Ask yourself what the top five things are that you value most.”

I was sitting in on a speaker interview with Nicole Lapin — a former American news anchor for CNBC, CNN, and Bloomberg, as well as an author and businesswoman. I could tell, from the moment she stepped into our company’s conference room, that she radiated a unique type of charm and sophistication. From her effortless smile to her elegant demeanor, she seemed to have it all going on.

Returning to her question, I tapped my finger to my chin, contemplating my response. Finally, I jotted down the first five things that came to mind in the “Notes” section of my phone:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Career

4. Location

5. Lifestyle (Ice cream was also a close contender, if you could call that a lifestyle…)

I skimmed my answers one more time, feeling satisfied with my choices. Once everyone in the audience had written down their responses, Nicole turned back to us. “Okay, let’s assume everyone has their answers written down now. What are they?”

Collectively, the audience echoed similar answers to what I had written down: “Family, Friends, Career…”

“Great,” she smiled. “Those are all so important.”

Then, she paused and turned to the audience, looking directly at us. “But did anyone actually list yourself as one of the top five on your list?”

The group grew silent. As I considered her question, I looked back down at my list, feeling stumped. As hard as it was to believe, I had neither put myself as number one — nor even on the list at all. As I turned around to my coworkers, they mirrored the same sheepish expressions on their faces. While we had all put fitting things on the list, none of us had thought to include the most important person in our lives…ourselves. Did that mean we didn’t value who we were?

Thankfully, Nicole reassured us. She explained that she had performed the same social experiment with a group in L.A. and that none of them had thought to put themselves on their lists, either. And that’s where the premise of her book, Becoming Super Woman came from. She explained that:

“The concept of a super person is putting yourself first on the list of the top five things you value.”

The quote struck a chord with me. Throughout my life, I assumed that being a heroic person meant putting others ahead of yourself, at the expense of your own well-being. But Nicole flipped the script. Instead, she emphasized that in order to be a hero for others, you first need to be a champion for yourself.

From the rest of her talk, there were three quotes that particularly stuck out to me — about the value of valuing yourself.

“There’s no such thing really as ‘work/life balance,’ there is just ‘life’ and you have to find balance within life.”

Despite a humble background, Nicole told the story of how she was able to secure her dream job of working for CNN at the age of 21. She then became an anchor for CNBC and felt like she constantly had to keep raising the bar for herself. She thought that once she reached a certain job title or salary that she would finally attain happiness.

But instead, reaching her goals never fully satisfied her — the next title or salary only pushed her to work harder and harder. She assumed that the more successful she became, the happier she would be. But her takeaway was that the equation was wrong — you should strive for finding what makes you happy in life, in order to lead to success.

Now, what makes her happy is opening up the dialogue about self-care and balance. By empowering others to find confidence within themselves, she has reached happiness, and she encourages others to do the same.

How to apply this: Choose what brings you happiness — what gives you purpose every single day — and chase that as your goal. If you strive for happiness, then this path will lead you to success.

“You can’t be of service to anyone else, whether it’s your family, your friends, your community, or your job, if you’re crashing and burning yourself.”

In her interview, Nicole got personal with us. She spoke candidly about a severe emotional and physical breakdown she experienced — stemming from burnout. She explained the irony that even though she was advocating for getting ahead in work, being the best in your career, and keeping confident — she had difficulty taking her own advice.

Her health scare was her call to action. It reframed her mindset and made her realize the value of putting herself first. She used the plane analogy: “If an emergency happens when flying, we learn to put our oxygen masks on first before helping other passengers. Why don’t we do that with ourselves in real life?”

Her quote demonstrates the importance of prioritizing oneself in order to assist and care for others. When you don’t take care of yourself, you run the risk of taking a nosedive. When you do take care of yourself, you are setting yourself up for success, so you can soar to new heights.

How to apply this: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself is not a luxury — it’s a necessity. Only once you’ve become the best person for yourself can you truly be of service to others.

“I absolutely believe you can have it all, but only if you define what ‘it all’ actually means and stop changing the definition on yourself all the time.”

Nicole explained that when she wrote her book, she purposefully put a space in the word: “super woman.” She chose this spelling, because she wanted to kill the idea of “Superwoman” as an invincible character — one who is constantly trying to do it all and be everything to everyone. In her mind, this is neither realistic nor sustainable. Instead, Nicole sees being “super” as aiming for progress and not perfection — that as long as you strive for more good days than bad, you are succeeding.

When it comes to finding fulfillment, she believes that it is possible to “have it all,” but only if you decide what having it all looks like to you. “Having it all” doesn’t mean comparing yourself to the best version of all aspects of life. For example, you can’t compare your cooking routine to a master chef, your fitness routine to a heavyweight champion, and your writing to a Nobel Prize winner all at the same time.

Instead, focus on sticking to your own personal goals and taking one step at a time. It’s impossible to do it all — only to be the best version of yourself and make the right decisions for you.

How to apply this: Work to achieve your dreams, but only once you determine your own definition and stick to that. What’s most important is that you focus on your individual goals, based on where you’re at in your life, and try not to compare yourself too much.

Bringing It All Together

The interview I watched that day shifted my view, not only on how I should treat myself, but also of what it means to be “super,” according to Nicole. It reminded me that self-care is truly the biggest asset or liability — when it’s off, it can lead to harm, and when it’s in-check, it can bring you more happiness than you ever thought it could. So, the next time you consider what you value in life, don’t forget to put the most important person at the top: you.