More on gender and my history of failure

· In this world of first impressions we romantic no lookers do not stand a chance.

· If your wit and cunning is your greatest assets, you do not stand a chance.

· The introvert who would rather sit in the corner, drink a beer, and talk quietly with their mates do not stand a chance

· The good guys do not stand a chance.

The world in which we live favors the fast talkers and fast thinkers and it is both in the professional world and the social world. My thoughts on the professional world will be in another post.

The failed attempt — and consequences

Back to how I perceived my lack of success onthe dating scene. I only ever asked one girl on a date and that was around 20 years ago. She said yes which was cool. She was a year younger than I was, going to the same high school I just graduated from, we meet at a nightclub several times and had fun talking. I was still in town because I working at a factory from June to November where I had to joining the army.

In my youth, I was very shy and lacked the guts and skills to talk to girls. Talking to girls was easy when the framework was known and safe. The trouble started when I had to talk about myself and things I did not know anything about. I had a great need to be perceived as smart, because I did not feel that I could not attract girls with my looks. In school, I aced all the science classes but was very mediocre at the non-science classes. Because I had, an undeveloped thought process when it came to text analysis and other non-scientific ways of thought. When I talk about science, I refer to the physical sciences math, chemistry and physics. So when talking to girls I came across as a very nerdy person.

However, she said yes. When the day arrived, she stood me up. She would rather watch Denmark play a training soccer match against Germany with some of her friends than go to the movie with me. Therefore, I watch the match alone, Denmark sucked, and I was in a very bad mood. My mother and her second husband was away camping and I had the apartment to myself. I could not fall asleep and my thought turn from black to worse. Only my youth and lack of experiences stopped me from throwing myself out of a 7-storey window and killing myself. What stopped me was all the things I had not experienced and would like to for example have sex, fall in love and maybe in the far away future have kids. Lucky for me I still believed that it was possible.

In retrospect, this story marked me more than I thought then. It did not help in the guts or skills department.

Like the Virgin Mary beautiful and unattainable

In the years since that, incident and hooking up with my wife I had some good experiences with women, but it usually included massive amounts of alcohol for me and always in crowds. When that was not the case, it was doomed to begin with. One Christmas my cousin who lived an hour away, which in Denmark in the 90’ was a long way, had brought an exchange student from Brazil whom was going to live with them the next year. She was fun and we talked a lot that night. I did not do anything to try to maintain any connection to here in those pre-internet days. Therefore, the next time I saw her was just before she was going back to Brazil. Was that setting my goals too high to avoid any hurt? I do not know but I have more stories like that when I try to woe girls/women, which like the Virgin Mary are unattainable. I actually told a bartender, whom I had a crush on, that she was like the Virgin Mary beautiful but unattainable for me at least.

Conclusion — Dating

Attitude means everything when participating in dating or interacting with girls/women. That is the conclusion I draw from my own experiences and what I could observe in my friends. Women properly judge on us on these three parameters.

· Looks

· Mind/Intellect

· Attitude

In addition, if we are lacking in the first two lots of the last can make up for it. I lacked attitude when I was a kid.

I think we men in general aim to high, demanding too much of our self and the women we seek. Please accept this premise to follow me line of thought. Therefore, reducing the demand on the partners we seek is an admittance of the non-perfection of our world and ourselves. Which is very hard in the modern age of self-realization and “telling our own story”. Is this one of the main reasons marriages/relations fail? That we our settling in the moment does not seem as a big deal but later it tears it all down. Like Bruce Willis settling to be a security guard in “Unbreakable” which turns his marriage into hell because he is so unhappy with his situation, he is failing in his own eyes to use his potential.

Self-realization vs security/stability

As persons, we are torn between our need for self-realization and our need for security and stability. What happens when we sacrifice one for the other? We grow unstable when there are too many sacrifices made in either category. It is so important to be supportive in marriages and relationships because the other person is battling the same things and needs to balance the same things. But when have we reached an unstable situation and what do we do? These are hard personal questions and the answers always just as hard, but remember the status quo maybe even more damaging or lead to a destructive end.

One of the great educators I have meet had this picture. It is like a book with coupons you keep putting in coupons and one day it is full and there is no more room for coupons. That could well lead to a destructive end.

All these questions and no simple answers.

The end for now. My mind keeps adding thoughts but i have to stop. If you have liked what you have read please share or leave a comment.