More New York City Parenting Trends
It’s no secret that New York City parents will do whatever it takes to set their beloved offspring up for success. On the heels of the current popularity of employing pediatric endocrinologists to inject their little ones with growth hormones in efforts to help them become athletic –and above all– tall, here are some more emerging parenting trends from the Big Apple:
For the school-age set: Buccal fat removal so they can feel more confident on yearbook photo day.
Strategic depletion of human growth hormone to help them become “Short Kings”.
Employing pediatric Botox specialists to facilitate “turning that frown upside down”.
Ozempic for weight loss to fight childhood obesity or to normalize diabetes.
A call to criminalize all tree nuts due to allergies.
A call to decriminalize all street drugs due to “gentle parenting,” in which children are free to make their own decisions without parental or government intervention.
For the younger set: Exclusive breastfeeding for the first six decades.
Meeting them at their level by insisting the entire family speak “Infant Tongue” (baby talk) at home so as not to shame them with their alternative language skills.
Removing all “word books” and muted colors from the home so as not to shame them for their preference for high-contrast black and white non-word images.
Avoiding changing solid diapers and encouraging other family members to both wear and dirty adult diapers to destigmatize “blowouts”.
Petitioning the housing board to install tree branches in all post-war apartments and new constructions in order to remove shame from the Moro or “startle reflex,” in which an infant jerks both arms up and clutches when startled as if a primate grabbing onto a branch.
Avian Feeding, in which parents thoroughly chew all the child’s food before placing it directly in their mouths. This promotes family unity and is derived from the saying “birds of a feather flock together”.
Most controversial of all: Encouraging a balanced diet and moderate exercise.