Monsters Die In The Light

Overcoming Trauma

Trigger warning discussing sexual assault and abuse

I am no Longer A Victim.

I would really love to declare I am a true survivor and that I took back my power. That I am strong.

I would love to say that the things that happened to me didn't change the way I view the world and the people around me. It changed how I perceived myself.

I don't know if I will ever stop referring to myself as defective or damaged goods. I think deep down a part of me will always be broken.

I hate myself for what I've become.

I am this fearful person with a concrete wall around me. This is to protect me from further harm.

My therapist use to say- “You got to feel to heal”.I didn't want to feel these things. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to push down all the feelings until they no longer existed. I could for a while but deep in my mind, it would all come flooding back, especially anytime I would be vulnerable to any man.

Actually, being vulnerable to anyone petrifies me.

I live by the laws of self-preservation. I keep everyone at arm's length.

It is lonely behind that wall sometimes, but it is safe.

The fact I am putting this out there is a testament to how much I want to take my power back. I want to be whole. I don't want someone to hold power over me anymore.

I know I'm skating around where I was trying to go with this piece. It is really hard to relive the trauma all over again. I use to not being able to talk about it without having a strong reaction and feeling physically ill.

There is a lot of guilt shame and embarrassment that goes with being a victim.

Isn't it funny that someone else can hurt us but we feel the shame?

The beauty of having bad experiences is we can turn them into a positive. We can use our experiences to advocate for others. to empower others. in return we are empowered as well.

We don't have to be anyone’s victims anymore. We can make the decision to say “no more”. You have taken enough away from me but I choose to take back my life. I am longer your victim. You can't hurt me anymore. You no longer have power.

Another wise thing my therapist told me was;

Monsters die in the light.

I would never bring them into the light I kept those monsters locked in the darkness, to remerge in the night, over and over.

My monsters exposed

I was just barely 19 years old, The thing was when I was 19, I was often mistaken as 13 or even 12. There was definitely an air of innocence that I exuberated. to make matters worse I was very naive and soft-spoken. I made for some easy prey.

It was a rainy evening in April of 1997, I was living in a girl's home still because I had just graduated. I would remain there till I could move into the college dorms in the following month.

I was so excited I had gotten into Marshall University and had grants and a small scholarship that I was awarded for an essay I wrote. I was on top of the world!

That was until I heard my great-grandmother passed away. I had to get air. I needed to walk, so I just took off aimlessly walking. I found myself close to the mall when a storm started to break out.

There weren't many cars out that night but one did pull up to me.

He was a handsome young man around 24 or 25. He appeared friendly and wore a look of concern on his face.

“Do you need a ride your going to get drenched in this”

“No, I‘m, ok I reassured him, “

“Seriously it is getting ready to storm just common ill take you where ever you want to go”. He patted the seat next to him.

I was still reluctant but I saw a flash of lightning so I got in. He drove towards the mall.

‘I live the other way” I told him.

“Oh I just got to make a quick stop first”

It was going on 930. I knew the mall was closed but maybe he was just going to a gas station in the vicinity. I tried to relax but I was already fearful.

I should have been, he parked in an empty lot, I tried to make conversation but he put his hands over my mouth.

I won't go into any more details but I was raped that night. I was raped in an empty parking lot of the mall.

Suddenly he wasn't a gentleman trying to help a girl out of the storm but a wolf and sheep's clothing who couldn't be bothered to take me home after he hurt me. He left me there in the rain.

I'm going to fast forward past the night of the hospital and the rape kit. I was too afraid to allow it because that whole situation was traumatic on its own and I didn't want to revisit it.

I did meet a rape counselor there who I worked with for a while, because to my detriment I just wanted to erase it. I didn't want to press charges because I didn't want to see him again.

I just wanted to forget.

The trauma didn't end there

I saw a counselor, but I still went to college as planned. I even had a boyfriend. I was in my freshman year at college so I was distracted.

Distracted, but not forgotten.

I won't say my boyfriend's name because he is just the narcissistic delusional person who would make himself appear as the victim.

He had failed out of college so I always had an inkling that he resented my enrollment in school. He resented my friends and anything that was outside of him. I just wasn't smart enough at the time to see that.

He was controlling and wanted me to move off campus into an apartment with him

I tried it for a week.

I wasn't making it to class on time. I informed him I wasn't breaking up with him I was just moving back on campus.

The rage that came over his face.

I didn't have time to contemplate it, he just began beating on me. there was blood everywhere. I was in shock.

I guess the neighbors heard and called the police.

“She scratched me “he wined to the officers while I was covered in my own blood nearly passing out.

The cops didn't care about his scratch he was arrested on felony malicious wounding charges.

I was very hurt. I had to have dental surgery to repair the damage he caused and he was charged with a year in jail, only he was out in 4 months.

When he was released he stalked me and terrorized me and had others threaten me as well despite the restraining order I had in place. After he found me leaving work and beat me up once again he was arrested and I was finally free from him.

Free but not really

I never really felt free.

I stayed paralyzed with fear. I stayed riddled with shame. I never really moved past that horrible year.

What was wrong with me? What made people want to hurt me?

I never could make relationships work.

I never really could trust again.

Trusting is dangerous.

That is when I realized I was forever damaged.

I'm not damaged though,

Well, I don't have to be. that was many years ago I'm wiser and more cautious. perhaps too cautious.

I have contemplated a career as a victims advocate. I thought helping others would change my victim mentality into one of a true survivor.

One way or another I am taking back my power and I want to help others do the same!

If you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual assault or violence call 1-800-656-4673

You can take back your life!