Monkey Balls

TOK Editorial Board meeting notes (3/6/22)

Conversations between the editors at TOK should be censored, nuked, thrown in jail, and worst of all, ignored. This begins a new series of random convos between a couple of ancient stoners who happen not to give a shit what people think, as long as they keep laughing.

Daniel Lee, Board Member/Editor/Writer at The Open Kimono:

“Men of god and men of war have strange affinities.” (Judge Holden, Blood Meridian, Cormac McCarthy)

“Albinos seldom do farm work.” (Shadowgnosis)

Adelia, today I went to the farmer’s market in my neighborhood in San Francisco, thinking I would get some potatoes and carrots and mushrooms, which I did. At one booth I saw albino balls and thought they might be good for a condition common in older men. It’s almost impossible to get wild ginseng or powdered rhino horn, so we have to use sildenafil, which makes us go temporarily blind and chat up mannequins. Albino balls seem like a promising alternative, as they are both rare and politically incorrect. They were being slyly marketed as Japanese turnips (Hakurei), no doubt to fool the health inspectors.

Do you know what happened to Judge Holden? Was he parted out by any chance?

Adelia Ritchie, Board Member/Editor/Writer at The Open Kimono:

Daniel, if you want albino balls as a regular part of your diet, you need to live in Costa Rica, where the howler monkeys have the biggest, most delectable white balls you’ve ever seen. On a trip there a few years ago the four of us girls hired a driver to take us to Nosara Beach from San Jose. Along the way, Franco got a little bit flirtatious and racy with us, talking about how his passengers often take him to their rooms for a refreshing orgy after a long, hot, bumpy ride. Or maybe it was a long, hot, bumpy ride in the room after the 5-hour, hilly and pot-holed foreplay in the van.

He said, “American women have to stay out of the hot Costa Rican sun because their skin is so white, white like monkey balls.”

I guess Hakurei is the Japanese version, although I’ve read that Japanese monkeys keep their balls warm in the natural hot springs, so maybe they’re not as pale. More research is needed.

P.S.: Judge Holden should have had his balls gnawed off by howler monkeys.

Daniel:

There are things you need to know about Franco before signing up for a hot bumpy ride in his room. The first thing is that he eats howler monkey balls in a manner he calls au natural, but I call teacupping. While he goes by just Franco in Costa Rica, he goes by James in Hollywood, and he has admitted to having sex with his acting students, two of whom are howler monkeys. Rumor has it that since his appetites have been curbed inside the U.S. he has been satisfying his unconventional sexual tastes in the jungles of Costa Rica.

Adelia:

Yeah, I heard he was last seen chatting up mannequins and swinging from a bamboo chandelier with some crazy cats in Ojochal.

Speaking of cats, Dan, did you ever stop to think about the etymology of gato (Spanish for cat) and gateau (French for cake)? They are pronounced exactly the same. Can you imagine some random Spanish guy passing by when Marie-Antoinette famously shouted from the balcony, “Let them eat cats”?

‘Nite, Daniel.