Mom, I’m alive! Or catering to mom’s fear.

Each person coming into this world carries his own, which came from his parents and came from his family.

Often during a consultation, behind the problems voiced by a person, you can see and hear the words addressed to your mother: Mom, I survived! I live! And you live!

When the mother could not conceive for a long time and/or the entire pregnancy was in danger of the child’s life. When the child was unwanted by the mother and/or her immediate environment. During her entire pregnancy she had to defend her right to become the mother of this child and give him life.

When the mother had already lost children. Born or frozen in her womb. When an unborn child was loaded with too many expectations, primarily related to love and neediness. When the mother herself was born with such initial data.

Then the child is unconsciously forced again and again to prove to his mother and the world that he is not dead, he is alive. After all, a mother who has lived in anxiety and fear for the life of her child throughout her entire pregnancy or part of it, often continues to carry this fear further.

She often checks whether the child is breathing, healthy, and alive. And since the contact with herself is weak, the woman does not believe herself and the actions are repeated again and again.

She becomes overprotective and/or goes into depression or depression soon after giving birth. Often accompanied by other seemingly suddenly manifested diseases. After all, she simply cannot cope with what is happening in her mental space.

She wants to believe that her child is alive, but she seems to be afraid to do so. It always seems to her that everything could change at any moment. She herself becomes as if not alive…

And the child?

But the child wants to live. And he wants his mother to be nearby, and also alive.

A healthy child, while he is very small, sleeps a lot, eats, relieves physiological needs and is little awake. And hearing and seeing from a distance whether a child is alive and healthy is simply not realistic.

And then, the child, as part of the family system, primarily as a continuation of his mother, begins to get sick. After all, when he is sick, he screams and cries. He needs more care. And constantly being near the child becomes justified. Maternal anxiety finds a reason that satisfies herself and her loved ones.

Time is running. The child either continues to be sick and does nothing else to upset his mother. Or, illnesses begin to alternate with destructive behavior and/or extreme sports.

Without realizing why, the child continues to carry and serve the processes occurring with his mother. Again and again bringing new reasons for concern for his life.

Again and again proving to his mother, as well as to himself, that he is alive.

It often happens that a woman is so immersed in what is happening that her life revolves only around the child. After all, she feels more or less alive depending on what happens to the child. And his extreme actions help not only him, but also her to feel alive.

If at some point the woman finds herself unable to cope with what is happening, she begins to distance herself from the child. She blocks in herself not only fear for his life, but also love for him. You can’t just block out anxiety or fear. By blocking some feelings, we always block others.

You can probably get out of the vicious circle of fear for your child’s life on your own. Or from the service of maternal fear, which ultimately becomes one’s own. But I don’t know of such cases.

Therefore, the sooner a woman brings her fears to therapy with a psychologist, the easier it will be for her child.

And if he has already become an adult (regardless of gender), then he himself needs to take what is happening to a psychologist. After all, even if the mother of such an adult child comes to therapy, her changes will reach him only minimally.