Mom, Dad, Janelle, If We Work Together, We Can Get This Hardee’s Order Placed

Dad, I know you had your heart and GPS set on the Burger King at exit 285, but my kids have to use the bathroom. You’re right, they should have gone before we left, but we have to the play cards we’re dealt. And right now, that means stopping here and eating our lunch at the Hardee’s inside the Pilot Station at Exit 235 in Pooler, South Carolina.

Being a grandparent has brought out the best in you, Dad. Not once on this road trip have you threatened to “pull this car over and bust somebody’s ass” or throw some “goddamn stupid shit out the window.” I’m proud of you. Really.

I’m going to need you to continue exercising that same level of patience while we work with Janelle here to place our lunch order quickly and correctly. That’s what we all want. And I believe if we all stay calm and focused, we can make that happen.

Mom, don’t worry about the kids and me. I’ll order for us. You and dad go ahead. Don’t worry about the kids, Mom. Go ahead, Janelle’s waiting.

Janelle, you don’t need to yell. They’re not deaf. The multiple flat screens with rotating menu options are confusing them. Also, Baby Boomers are often hostile to combo meals. They don’t like being boxed into a soft drink and fries.

I’ll be honest, Janelle, I don’t really understand the Hardee’s menu either. Can my dad get just a burger and a cup of black coffee?

Mom, looking put-upon and agreeing to “just eat whatever,” doesn’t help anybody. There is no upside to being a martyr at Hardee’s. We’re all victims here.

Janelle, I am in no way telling you how to do your job, but maybe make some eye contact and repeat the order. We can’t see which buttons you’re pushing. I’m sorry, Janelle. I’m not upset with you. I’m frustrated with the situation.

Mom, I see that they have bean burritos. You’re right, they probably are vegetarian. Janelle doesn’t care that I’m a vegetarian, Mom. Please don’t tell her. She doesn’t care.

Dad, she heard you! Janelle, you aren’t going to put mayonnaise on his burger, are you? See, Dad. Why are you so agitated? This meal is going to be eaten and forgotten ten minutes from now for fuck’s sake!

No, Mom! I said I’ll order for the kids. They’re getting the chicken tenders. I don’t know why they’re crying about it. You’re right. Tenders and nuggets are basically the same thing. It’s fine.

Has everybody ordered? Oh shit, I forgot to order mine. I don’t want to start over and make everybody wait. No, it’s fine. I’m not even really hungry. We have grapes and Cheddar Bunnies in the car. I can just eat whatever. It’ fine.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I’m the Hardee’s Martyr now.