Modern Marriage — is it possible to stay married over a life time and be happy?

Summary

The author reflects on the concept of a "good" marriage, emphasizing the importance of realism, personal growth, and acceptance over the pursuit of an idealized union, drawing from personal experience and societal observations.

Abstract

The author discusses the unrealistic expectations of an "ideal" marriage and advocates for striving towards a "good" marriage instead. They share their personal journey of overcoming stress from unattainable ideals by rearranging their inner life and making adjustments. After nearly 40 years of marriage, the author highlights the continuous excitement and challenges that come with understanding a partner of the opposite sex, given the inherent differences in viewpoints and values. The author suggests that the key to a fulfilling marriage lies in accepting each other fully, supporting growth in all aspects of life, and maintaining a rich inner life. They also touch upon the influence of culture, from the success of arranged marriages to the unrealistic portrayals of relationships in movies and novels, advocating for personal development and contentment as a path to true liberation in a partnership.

Opinions

The author believes that the concept of an "ideal" marriage is unrealistic and leads to disappointment.
A "good" marriage is achievable and requires realistic expectations, personal satisfaction, and the ability to handle daily challenges.
Long-term relationships, such as the author's 40-year marriage, thrive on the ongoing discovery of one another due to inherent differences between partners.
The author emphasizes the importance of a rich inner life for personal happiness and positively affecting one's environment.
They criticize the influence of movies and romantic novels for creating unrealistic expectations about marriage.
The author suggests that by focusing on self-improvement and supporting a partner's growth, one can achieve a sense of fulfillment and liberation.
The author reveals that their own desire to marry was conflicted due to a troubled family environment but found solace in a rich inner life with a spiritual quality.
They conclude that a successful marriage requires God to be at the center, hinting at a personal discovery of a living, personal God.

What is a “good” Marriage?

I purposely choose “Good” instead of “Ideal”

Why? Because when we think ideal we think of something without any challenges, problems, etc. and this is simply not possible. We set ourselves up for disappointment with ourselves and our partners. But if we think about “good” then we tend to be more realistic.

Much has been written about this topic. And I want to add my personal experience to that. I am happy to say that I have “arrived”. I am satisfied with myself and my life. Each day brings excitement, new challenges to overcome, and so on. I used to be so stressed because I could never reach the ideal. Then one day I had an epiphany — I needed to re-arrange my inner life and make some adjustments. Now I have a new life.

If you have been in a close relationship with the opposite sex for a longer period you know that we are very different from each other. We have different viewpoints, values, tastes, ways of solving problems, and so on.

I have been married to the same man for almost 40 years. Someone once asked almost incredulous — how can you be married to the same person for this long? Doesn’t it get boring? My response was: No — getting bored with one another was Never a problem. Being so different will take us a lifetime to really get to know the other person.

Unfortunately,h almost everyone starting with myself, my children, friends, neighbors anyone in Real Life I have encountered over the years has an unrealistic idea of marriage. And this is the root of most problems.

If we could accept the reality as it is and then work from there to grow ourselves to become mature men and women and at the same time accept our partners fully as they are at present and support them in their growth as partners, parent, and in achieving their aspirations we will attain a great sense of fulfillment in our journey.

I believe in the past this has happened far more often than we think. Arranged marriages have more often than not worked out beautifully. Yes even in the West. I remember as a child I listened to this kind of stories. Then we started watching movies and reading romantic novels and from there we ended up in Fantasy land. It is time to use our OWN minds and think hard — which is different from fantasizing, and ruminating. We can read and evaluate if what we read is true, and does it apply to our lives. If we get so busy learning and growing ourselves we will be so busy and also content that there won’t be any need or mental space left to criticize, or judge others. Just imagine for a moment what a difference it will make! It is then that we will become truly liberated! I cannot control or change others. We often hear that we can only control our responses to situations. While this is true of course it can be taken much further. What if I develop such a rich inner life that no matter what I will be happy and content? And I can affect my environment in such a positive way? One time my boss told me “I am so glad you're back from your vacation. When you are not here the sun doesn't shine.” What a compliment!

I have to confess that because of what I experienced as a child in my parent's home and my environment I never wanted to get married. Of course, part of me did want to be married. But that was only possible in my dreams. I was sure of that. So I spent most of my time in that fantasy world. — Reading — I love to read about other people in History; different countries, and different experiences. But my personal life seemed rather empty. I did enjoy my work and school. But my life at home was fraught with ongoing friction between my parents. I never actually heard them speak to each other. Mostly just unpleasant comments. I always looked forward to going to school and later my job. But I dreaded coming home most days. Because of being so lonely, I learned to develop a rich inner life. I am not talking about fantasizing here. This inner life had a spiritual quality and provided me with real comfort and strength.

I came to the conclusion that if any marriage could work, God needed to be at the center. I was raised as a catholic mostly through religious education in school. And I went to church as often as I could. However, it seemed that no one really believed in the existence of God. My discovery of the living personal God will be the subject for another time.

Maria De La Rosa