Summary

The author shares a personal journey of struggling with mental health issues and the pressures of a modeling career, emphasizing the importance of self-care and personal identity over external validation.

Abstract

The author presents a deeply personal narrative, revealing the contrast between their cheerful public persona and the internal battles they faced, including multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, medication trials, and a suicide attempt. Despite modeling for a prestigious agency, the author experienced severe depression and burnout, feeling invalidated by comments about their appearance. The turning point came with the realization that self-pleasing should precede pleasing others, akin to putting on an oxygen mask before helping someone else. The author acknowledges the ongoing process of self-improvement and the acceptance of imperfect days, celebrating their resilience against drug use and their journey towards self-love and identity, independent of their modeling career.

Opinions

The author believes that external appearances and societal success do not equate to personal happiness or mental health.
They express that well-intentioned comments can be dismissive of genuine emotional struggles.
The author emphasizes the necessity of prioritizing one's own well-being, comparing it to the safety instruction on airplanes to put on one's own oxygen mask first.
They suggest that life is an ongoing process of self-improvement and that self-help gurus may not disclose their personal challenges.
The author takes pride in avoiding drug use despite the prevalence and availability in the modeling industry.
They advocate for self-acceptance, including the bad days, as a key to easier living.
The author values personal growth and identity formation outside of professional achievements.

Model To Mayhem

My story

If you met me, you’d probably think I’m an absolute happy-go-lucky guy. Always making a joke and making those around me feel listened to and appreciated.

Unfortunately, that’s not the case. I have been in countless psychiatric wards, on dozens of medications, and even attempted to take my own life.

All of this was happening while modeling for one of the most prominent agencies in Manhattan.

One of the major things people would say was, “what do you have to be sad about? You’re tall and handsome!”

I know they meant the best by what they said, but that kind of talk is incredibly invalidating to the way I feel. I was going through extreme depression while trying to win over casting directors and burnt out.

When I say burnt out…

I mean BURNT OUT!

I flipped. There was nothing anyone could say to me, I was a nervous wreck, and no one could help me.

I tried to hide it and pretend all was okay, but it wasn’t. In fact I think this is what would be called a nervous breakdown.

I’m a people pleaser by nature and just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t carry the burden of conversation, let alone listen to anyone talk about literally anything.

I was zonked out, and throwing in the towel. The modeling career never took off, but my depression did. I felt like a loser, a failure, and a tremendous amount of shame.

Why couldn’t I have just made more money? It would’ve at least looked like I was a success.

Here’s the truth:

In that last segment, I cared not of myself, but of what others would think of me. There is nothing sadder than living your life to please others!

The first person you need to please is yourself! Life won’t go on, believe me, if you keep on this hamster wheel of pleasing.

I realized this years after the dilemma had passed, but it remains important. Just like saving a baby on a plane by giving yourself oxygen first, goes for life!

You need to wear the metaphoric oxygen mask and make sure you’re happy and healthy before you try to make someone else happy!

This is a big thing for me, I like to date!

Well, the problem with that, for me, is I need to be happy with myself first! To be quite honest, I’m not there yet. But, that is OKAY!

Life is a never-ending work in progress. Those self-help gurus have their own shit that they’re dealing with. However, they’re not going to tell us that.

When the modeling ended, I was devastated and relieved at the same time.

I gained weight after, during a massive depression. Then I came to realize, it wasn’t in the cards for me.

It took a lot to start loving myself, obviously, there are days where I feel like total shit and don’t want to do anything. However, I started discovering who I am and am happy to say I have an identity now!

After gaining 100 pounds and then losing 50, I’m happy. I don’t need the external validation I once craved, and career-wise kind of needed.

I’m writing this article in a depressive episode but from a place of gratitude for what I have.

There’s no such thing as 100% good days and that’s something hard to accept. Once you fully grasp that, life becomes a lot easier and you start to forgive yourself for the bad days and accept them!

One of the ways I applaud myself is on the topic of drugs. I managed to avoid the accessible world of drugs during my hardships and kind of crushed it!

In the modeling world, drugs were definitely available and I didn’t touch them! So, although I was not a very successful model, there is always a silver lining in those years of my life.

The ensuing depression was fierce but it would’ve been a lot worse if drugs were in the picture!

Thanks for reading and throw me a follow if you want to see more!