Mixed Signals and Quirky Body Language
What’s really going on when your words and actions don’t line up
Our body language plays a larger role in our communication with others than we think. Here’s how you might unknowingly be giving off mixed signals.
“I can do everything with my language but not with my body. What I hide by my language, my body utters. I can deliberately mold my message, not my voice. By my voice, whatever it says, the other will recognize “that something is wrong with me.” I am a liar (by preterition), not an actor. My body is a stubborn child, my language is a very civilized adult…”
Whether we’re talking to our children, friends, or coworkers, the way we use our body and facial expressions become part and parcel of the signals we are sending out. With more than 250,000 facial expressions available to us, there’s an endless expanse of potential messages someone can pick up on through what we don’t say.
The unique aspect of nonverbal behavior is that we don’t realize what kind of messages we’re sending out. Even if they’re strangers or children who have yet to develop their social skills fully, other people are better judges of what our nonverbal behavior says about us than we are.
We’ve often had incidences when we’re in a gathering and feel shy or nervous because we don’t know anyone else there. If we’ve gone with an extroverted friend who has no problems with meeting new people, they’ll probably tell us to “stop being so cold” before leaving us to fend for ourselves.
However, we don’t mean to come off the way other people see us most of the time. Even though we may look cold and unfriendly on the outside, we’re feeling much different on the inside. But because we can’t see what our nonverbal behavior is telling those around us, we end up sending mixed signals with our body language.
Albert Mehrabian famously produced a set of percentages about communication you may have come across when researching body language. He claimed that when our facial expressions and body language don’t match what we say, those on the receiving end rely 55% on our body language, 38% on our voice tone, and 7% on the words we’re speaking to understand us better.
Of course, someone at a party perceiving you as cold isn’t going to ruin your life. But what if you give the same impression in front of a potential employer or your partner’s parents?
People trying to gauge your personality based on a brief interaction aren’t going to consider other aspects of your history. For example, someone who knows you very well will know that you get nervous around authority or that you are much friendlier in casual settings, but nobody has as much access to what you feel as you do.
Deafness has left me acutely aware of both the duplicity that language is capable of and the many expressions the body cannot hide.
Sending mixed signals to children
When disciplining children, most parents make the mistake of not fully grasping the power of body language. For instance, we may be telling them to stop shouting in the house, but be screaming at them as we say it. Or we may be telling them that they need to be polite and talk in a respectful tone while struggling to stop ourselves from laughing at something silly they said at the same time.
Children rely heavily on what you don’t say. When they can understand that you may be scolding them, but you still think that they’re funny, they’re receiving mixed signals about how you feel towards their behavior. Similarly, if you tell them not to do something but your body language is incongruent with your words, they’ll rely on what your body says instead of your comments.
If these kinds of mixed messages continue, children, stop taking our words seriously. Maintaining eye contact, using a firm voice, and making sure your child is paying attention are some of the most critical ways of aligning our actions with our words when handing children.
One drawback of incongruent verbal and nonverbal expression is that it affects your child’s self-esteem far more than you know. For instance, if you’re praising your child, but your mind is preoccupied, your child won’t be able to match your word to a positive, reaffirming expression. Hence, even if you genuinely meant the praise, you will develop a negative self-image.
Similarly, if you smirk or laugh when your child is upset instead of mirroring their feelings, they will see that their problems aren’t worth discussing. Even if you verbally express support for what your child is going through, when children learn and develop their place in the world, a guardian, parent, or caretaker’s behavior takes on a foundational role.
Fake it till you make it
In a famous TED talk by Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist who studies nonverbal behavior, we learn that a lot of our body language affects those who observe us and how it impacts the way we carry ourselves.
She states that standing tall, stretching our arms out wide, or standing in a “power pose” can help create a positive self-image, even if we feel insecure, afraid, or closed off internally. The signals your body sends to your mind can alter how you think of yourself at the moment, giving you more confidence and power — which in turn changes how other people perceive you as well.
It’s easier said than done, as one article elaborates on the many aspects of our personality hidden from other people. For instance, we may be anxious, tired, or preoccupied with other tasks when someone that we care about tries to talk about their day.
Even if we try our best to give them our full attention, we can’t see the scowl on our face or the way our body is angled away from the other person — this is why your partner, close friends, and children become better judges of what your body says. They can observe you objectively while you are restricted by what you think and know about yourself. You might think that you’re attentive, open, and warm when, in reality, your expression gives off the perception that you’re cold.
Some ways that power poses can change your life is by giving your mind the idea that you’re doing great. Whether in the workplace or before giving a speech, taking on a power pose can prepare you to stand firm, be assertive, and reduce your levels of anxiety about not being “good enough.”
While initially, this may feel like a mixed signal to your brain — you’re acting confident even when you’re not feeling so. It eventually takes down many communication barriers we’ve put around ourselves that make us seem rude and uninformed when we need a boost of confidence in reality.
We can practice building a more harmonious image of ourselves
It’s impossible to fully understand how we come across to other people because we’ll never be able to disregard the inner truths about ourselves, our history, and our feelings that those around us don’t access. However, more reserved people seem to have a higher tendency to be misunderstood than those who aren’t.
For example, if you let other people know that you’re feeling shy or that you’re tired, they’ll have more context to use when reading your body language.
Suppose we struggle with social situations more than other people. In that case, we can practice spending more time around those who make us feel comfortable enough to explore a more extensive range of expressions. Being around people who are kind and honest about how we could relax our shoulders, smile more, make more eye contact, or not use our phones when addressing us can help us.
Additionally, if the lack of a positive self-image is one reason we appear closed off, because we don’t want to be seen or believe we aren’t important enough, being around encouraging, caring people can help us work our self-image.
However, the most effective way of working on our sense of self is by noticing where our insecurities are and addressing them on our own or through therapy. It becomes beneficial when you regularly struggle to create a positive impression, maintain meaningful relationships, or express yourself the way you would like.
Body language and nonverbal communication, when used appropriately, can become a gateway to success and likability. In a world where we think that communication is limited to what we say, our minds must be open to the reality that there’s a world of expression in what we don’t express as well — and sometimes it’s more powerful.
There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it.
