POLITICS | ‘MURICA

Mitch McConnell Poops His Pants (Again)

Donald Dump strikes again

“I am like a ripe stool, and the world is like a gigantic anus, soon to pinch me off.”

Martin Luther’s Last Words

Last week, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell came down with yet another horrific case of the Heebie Jeebies.

However, some doctors speculate his freezing spells may be a sign of the latter stages of the Willies. Thankfully, Cooties were ruled out.

Just kidding. Mitch McConnell pooped himself... again. 🙄

His “neurological team” came out within 24 hours and said he is completely fine.

Which is a concerning revelation in of itself, by the way… He has a neurological team?? Folks, give this man a folding chair and a beach already... He is washed up.

Just visually, he looks like one of those cicada shells clinging to a tree branch.

Twice in as many months, senate majority leader Addison Mitchell McConnell has pooped himself. The question is, what do we do about it? What can we do?

In my article on Mitch McConnell’s first scatological mishap, I posited (incorrectly) that McConnell’s team swifly resolved the issue of his sphincteral integrity.

I was wrong. They did not. Clearly.

Therefore, I humbly propose the simplest solution… The Occam’s Razor of McConnell’s Ass, if you will: a butt plug.

If you saw a leak anywhere else, what would you do? You’d fill it! Right? Old man asses are no different. Just plug that leaky faucet, give it a smack & send him on his way.

I know, everyone wants to make this about age. But everyone in Congress is old. It’s a glorified retirement home, and we did that. Mitch didn’t elect himself to Congress fifty times. Democracy did, and we must honor that.

However, the great thing about our geriatrics issue is, time really does solve all. If these freezing episodes are any indication, we will not need to wait much longer for him to be gone…

In the meantime, instead of attacking the democratic institutions that allow him to remain in power, let’s just treat the symptoms with the whimsy they deserve. We can wait these old farts out, right?

Because bad things happen when you force one out.

As Mitch McConnell can now attest…

Love y’all 💚 Peace ✌️