Mistakes Past Me Made in Relationships of Long Ago
And the lessons I’ve hard earned
Experience is the hardest kind of teacher; it gives you the test first and the lesson afterward. ~Oscar Wilde
Oh so many mistakes. I can only hope, not being blessed with children myself, that maybe someone reading this, even one person, will perhaps avoid the things I’ve done, didn’t realize, missed, or didn’t even know I needed to know.
Love to all of you out there in challenging relationships who are learning from experience.
And courage and hope to those who have yet still to leave.
There is a beautiful freedom on the other side, my friend, you do not need to be emotionally, or physically abused in the name of “love” ever by anyone!!!
Here are the mistakes made by past me in past relationships, in no order of importance.
I saw the potential of the person in front of me, instead of the one that needed a whole lot more self awareness and work. And thought I could be the one to lift them up to the person I knew they could be, through love and understanding.
*Not fully taking care of my own self care and boundries. Or even knowing WHAT boundaries are and why they’re so important to our own self worth.*
Thinking that early signs of possessiveness and jealousy were endearing.
Instead they just progressively got worse, ending up in suffocation and drastically changing my behavior (as in not talking to anyone with a penis) as if that would help.
Believing that changes in my behavior might help their insecurities.
Financial abuse is a form of abuse.
Not focusing on my own financial future but instead investing my time, energy and money on the financial future of us together. Have your own fuck off funds! Have your OWN MONEY too! Know your money if it’s shared! Please know your budget to the last penny.
Moving to another country for a relationship.
Without fully understanding that the power dynamic of a relationship can change dangerously when your support system is physically thousands of miles away. And makes it very difficult to leave.
Love is not “all we need” in relationships.
Pouring love and affirmations into someone will never be a solution to overcoming someone else’s addictions, insecurities or past conditioning. It may help, but it cannot be the cure decades of harm by others or themselves.
That I could be the one to help them overcome decades of conditioning they learned.
Even if they’re open to mental health help, you’re coming up against years and years and years of past poor conditioning by EVERYONE who was in their life. You may have a big heart but that heart needs a support system in them finding professional help.
Not understanding that my own personal love to myself isn't a package to be delivered to my door FROM someone else.
Love is who I am and is my state of being.
And I can give that love in loving kindness in all my moments — to myself and THROUGH myself to others. That love is a VERB. And we all have our own styles.
Not understanding that spoken words are not truths.
Even if I’m a person who, standing by their word is extremely important, my word is my bond — others sometimes don’t know how, or are unwilling, or just don’t care to have actions and words meet.
Actions and words must meet.
Pretty words are only pretty hollow words unless they have action to solidify them into truths. Love and trust go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other.
Just because someone "loves" you doesn’t mean they know HOW to love you, or themselves.
And that they can love you as they know how to, and yet still harm you deeply and slowly every day.
*Not knowing how to communicate through conflicts in a healthy way. Learn this one please, yesterday. *
Choosing men who were more interested in my outer appearance than who I am overall.
And then beating myself up, body image wise, when I gained even a little weight, in fear I’d be left because I’m no longer that person. Not realizing I was loved as an extension of the shiny things to show off, because things are what defined them.
Not finding myself beautiful, in the past, as a whole being. But defined by what size, or number I was. Unacceptance of myself as a whole, but accepting of my exes as a whole. Even as they danced around wearing red flags.
*Trusting that my exes had my best interest at heart.*
Being afraid of being left, or abandoned.
And staying too long in relationships I needed to leave because they were really unhealthy. Yet, thinking I’ll be able to save this very damaged relationship.
Not understanding in relationships you can be left. No matter how hard you work on you or the relationship. And that leaving a unhealthy relationship is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.
People change, people grow apart, people can fall in love with other people, or die and that’s life. Come to this acceptance.
Their love isn’t a definition of your worthiness as a human being.
And that being in a relationship isn’t the end all be all. Nor is marriage, or having kids. Better to learn to really love your own companionship and then a partner just makes it more fun!
Knowing that they aren’t responsible for your emotions, you are!
And it’s our own responsibility to take care of these feelings and thoughts. A partner is supportive and there for you when it’s needed, but they cannot be your sole reason for happiness. That’s co-dependency. And being co-dependent is the quickest way to crippling insecurity town, having nothing when a relationship ends, and pure unhappiness.
Co-dependency is a great way to cage yourself into situations where you can be emotionally abused, financially abused and physically abused.
Not knowing what emotional abuse actually is. And the damage it can create long term without help.
Thinking that compassion is what can magically help a relationship. Without realizing that no self compassion means your view of compassion is unclear. You are included in that compassion in your self compassion!
The 180 degree turn person.
That a person can pretend to be what you want by learning you. And then once you’re fully commited, can throw off their chameleon skin, stand in front of you as the person you never even knew, in actuality, who they were all along. Really scary.
*Gaslighting is real. Learn what it is.*
Some people will use your vulnerability as weapons for their own gain in complete disregard for you as a human being.
If someone uses information you've given bravely in being vulnerable to hurt you intentionally leave. Leave now.
By not informing myself and learning what a healthy relationship is, with myself and with others, I did a grand disservice to myself.
Knowledge is self empowerment in self compassion.
We’re not taught any of these things, we learn from our models, from our very first lesson in love, our parents and a lot of us learn by fucking up. It’s really imperative to find resources, listen to podcasts, read articles, books, listen to others who have, and learn, learn, learn.
I have seen many people staying in shitty marriages, or going through divorces with devastating outcomes for their kids.
The ONE thing I did do well, is that I had the self awareness enough to never have children with any of my exes, or get married to them.
Even though all I ever knew, for certainty in my life, was that I wanted to be a Mom. Weird to even think now that I won’t get to be a biological Mama.
But if that means my children will never have to go through the sadness and despair that I witnessed with my parents (and now with many friends) — being in the middle of a terrible marriage and a worse divorce, I'm grateful to not have had those children with my exes.
We’ve got far too many children coming into the world perpetually continuing the conditioning they’re just unaware of.
Growing up with severe deficits in emotional intelligence.
EID
Emotional Intelligence Deficit. Something I just created, but seems prevalent in our society.
Even if my envisoned children are still something I'm missing in my heart, I have peace knowing the cycle of pain ended with me.
And I can now be a mother in my own unique way as a mother figure in my 40s (The grey hairs help! :) and I’m okay with that.
I've learned a lot, yet am still learning proactively what a healthy relationship looks like with secure attachments. I will be a lifelong learner of this.
I am now in the most loving, accepting relationship with a wonderful, huge hearted, thoughtful, considerate, emotionally intelligent and self aware man I wasn’t sure even existed. He does! Just took a whole lot of detours to finally find him.
I am grateful everyday for the joy he brings to my life.
I love you Georges. ♡ My now, my present, my nows.
So grateful we share a world together.
When I am with him, it feels like all is right in the world. As if life has shifted back into our place. I make sure to vocalize all these blessings and appreciations to my partner in life. Thank you my Georges!
My past has been a walk down the yellow brick road, with a ton of falling over bricks and holes. Yet, I don’t consider these past relationships wasted time. They were experiences which shaped who I am now.
Without them would I even be the person I am today?
So I sit in gratitude for all of the experiences where I have learned and I am appreciative of all the beautiful relationships I have today.
If you got this far in reading through some of my life's missteps, just know I am very thankful for you!
Our world needs so many more healthy people in healthy relationships, raising children to enter into their own healthy relationships with others — and with the most important relationship they have — the one they have with themselves.
In owning up to the places we still need expansion, this is where we find the first steps to peace for humanity.
And if you’ve come to the point where you realize that you are incredibly important as a whole, well in mind, spirit and body, human being, through the time and self care in compassion, you’ve put into yourself — for that I thank you too.
Because that inner reflection and self awareness, not only helps you, but helps every relationship from the interaction with a stranger to every loving relationship you have.
This is working towards making this world a better place for all of us! And I am so grateful you are beginning to find your way back to peace for the peace of us all. Thank you for tending to your peace.
With love,
Have you too learned some of these lessons? I have many more mistakes I’ve made but they’d need a whole book. : )
Are you in the process of learning some of these?
Do you have lessons of what you’ve learned to help us all from your experiences you’d like to share?
I would be grateful to hear them and learn from them. Thank you my friends and ~namaste~ Enjoy your moments today and be Love along the way!
In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.
~Thich Nhat Hahn, from the book True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart