Mirroring or Momentum — Are These Words Familiar To You…

I first found out what momentum is once I figured out that deja vu doesn’t seem to fit to my explanation. Before I come across momentum I never thought a human being can experience anything like that, but this was so exciting and something unexplained. Our brain works pretty straight-forward, if we forgot about something, we need to find the missing part to fill in the puzzle or replace one. It turned out I forgot so much and even lost part of my memory for a while. There are also lot’s players in this type of game who’re dying desire to find lost parts, and there’re those who will never decide to participate. This feeling was already known to me. I already experienced this once in my childhood. My childhood was full of events, mostly because of my cheap violin. Nevertheless, it was not about playing my violin, it was all about showing I have one! Sometimes it’s even more than enough — it’s like a professional prostitute working on camera, but this also works and brings money. In my scenario, I wasn’t doing this with a floozy, I was doing this with a violin. You know what I mean — that’s the way how the other sectors of the industry work. They may need your violin and face — and that’s it. We are hidden in the shadow all the time then, and bingo — we show either penis or a violin bow in the limelight. Does it matter?!

The intuition gave me a hint — there’s need to immediately contact my family, it’s a basic reaction. I always pay attention to the sequence of events that’s how we’re structured, meetings and their results, dependencies and connections, but something didn’t properly connect — not about the way I wanted, it didn’t work for all people around me.

I stopped for a moment and noticed when I move my head around — the image delays, is it about too much work or not enough sleep? Is it just about my health? I hope my brain is still functioning well — oh, I checked it, yeah I’m still thinking ok. I still can evaluate risks and undertake decisions. And I didn’t seem to take any drugs since the last visit of another country hundreds of years ago. How did I let them in? I doubt, I stopped again, I doubt twice — there are no drugs.

I was so sleepy that day, excessive amount of work in the winter season, next cup of coffee at the evening that helped me to turn my body and mind back to the normal “living and walking” state and wo-ahla — I reborned again. I never lost consciousness before, neither had any problems with my blood pressure, regardless the fact I was quite a heavy smoker. I consume a lot of sugar, but always avoid sugar in my spark drinks, they are sugar-free, unless I feel I don’t have enough. I already tried to give up smoking several times before. Nevertheless, I was taught how to deal with other people in trouble. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to keep situation under control if something happened to me. I needed a sitter — the one I trust. There were few people I could mark as trustworthy and reliable, but those were filthy and kinda demanding. I reached out to others to tell about what’s happening, and then, I gave it all up. I stayed home alone and took rest to recover on my own.

I hardly could stop from falling down to sleep and I eventually fall down to sleep! But not in the right place, I slept in public — ah, awful and quite awkward situation. The way people watched me wakening up that day… their faces are priceless, and I understood it ain’t my home I’m sleeping at, wtf I am? That was the first alert that something is going on wrong. And then, there’s a teammate who do exactly the same at work, was he trying to repeat my “successful story”? Dunno.

I could imagine simple people are not visiting the same places I do, but I shouldn’t care about others, should I? If I do something that I dig into by soul and will, like music or small digital projects, and behave politely in the interim while building my own network of connections, why not —noone can forbid me. I got used to find new people in the real life. We are all open-minded and friendly in the end. And such crowded & noisy places like coffee shops, digital campuses, especially with startup or innovation meetings was like a nasty pussy for me. It’s not about me being a workaholic — I’m not, it’s about feeding myself with knowledges that I’m dying desire to eat over and over again.

I dropped drinking red bulls on purpose, just few months before I realized I don’t really need them. Coffee was just more than enough to keep on moving forward and I seem to get used to coffee with a minimal percent of caffein. I also replaced sugar with some honey. On the picture below winnie shows my excitement.

And whenever I had a laptop in my bag, I was producing music, or just collecting various genre tracks into my archive for future playlists. I also assume, if at any of those places, there were special agents, monitoring other diplomats’ security or whoever else, I bet they might’ve been producing music with me together from time to time.

That day I was hoovering around my district and my old friend called me to meet his friends and to visit a night club. He’s a nice and smart guy, but I kept him on distance through the years go by living in the same city — we have nothing against each other, I would help him in troubles to the same extent as he would. We grabbed few drinks nearby before we met two girls that he introduced me to. We move forward. Any clubs I was visiting in the last 10 years were without any queues, sounds funny, but it was never a coincidence. I don’t club much, I prefer heavy liquids or just music. But any capital is like a big village, there’s always someone who knows someone — the network is that tight. As a result, we got into that club over club owners.

Was those drugs in one of my drinks that day — I have no idea, I didn’t seem to drink anything at a night club, only those drinks before we entered? I doubt the impact of drugs would last for that long? And who would need to put any drugs into them — what for?

That was the day where it all started. How you ever stuck in the situation where you don’t understand what’s happening, but you need to pull your thoughts all together like a big puzzle, and then, attempt to produce a meaningful sentence to other people sitting in front of you deadly drunk? It didn’t matter what I was going to say, and I’m not sure I did say anything, but I needed to make a face that I knew what I’m telling about. No, it’s not about being that drunk, it’s about being completely exhausted…

My ex-boss was an absolute asshole, he had no other option and no one could judge him for being who he literally is. Being an asshole is fun and I mean it. In plenty of corporate offices — they, attention, — call ’em directors! The speed of work in the season was that crazy — it was faster than dancing all night in the nightclub few times a week, sometimes — even better than a football training with few miles running after hangover. And after HR rejected payments to other people for overhours — damn, I’ve never seen such mad faces in the workplace. And that was a peak where criticism invaded into the game: discussions towards prosperous future, meaning of life and human being existence. You get me — we are people, we tend to do it, complaining over and over again if someone is saying no.

I didn’t care much what I was doing for a living, it was never a problem for me. These are results of on-going work for ton of hours daily, weekly and annually — sometimes even at the weekends, I know thousands of people like me, but we are still scarce. I’m also flexible enough to fit even if my ass accidentally got to desert, probably I would start to kill and chow down animals. This was the problem for others who knows and didn’t like that I could be a fit — they envied. You know what I mean, especially if you’re living in a foreign country — it’s a dirty lever. The only thing I cared was long-term relationships with other people, I’m not a diplomat to care about them. However, that’s the way I was brought up — my dad taught me not to be an asshole and be kind, and I’m still trying. If there’s something like distrust or lies that smell stinky — it’s better to break up such connections right away, than ever jumping back in time and regret about them. People knew me as the one who would likely choose prison against denunciations, even though I didn’t make anything illegal. Such international connections require a strong leadership, who was that influential controlling all of us those days in that country or was there someone at all or not — unrevealed. East countries manage foreigners’ residence slightly different, with a nudge — the one they should deserve first. I don’t give a fuck, it’s not my business.

And that’s what I‘ve been waiting for — momentum. There’s momentum and there’s a mirror. I experienced this few times in my life. Absolute majority has ever felt it and they don’t even know what this is, a simple nightmare or else what. My life ain’t that long so far, but I get into this twice accidentally, first time — when I was completely exhausted in the high school, and the other one — likewise, when I was so much excited about chain of new events, life changes. Frankly speaking, I don’t remember details of the latter case, but that brilliant football escape from the office is still the one I’m proud of the most. At least, there will be something to narrate to my grandchildren.

Boom boom pow, it’s not a joke… I found about this word from my friend, because there’re other people, who are seeing pictures of these events before they actually happen — they call them side-sitters or else how, but we don’t know each other in person. It’s also a moment when you should react, but you can’t literally move your body. There’re also bad stories where people never returned back to body while walking in dreams at night, and so many more “threatening” once. There should be conspiracy in all stories, right? I found few of these stories in the network when it happened to me for the first time, a couple of more stories I grabbed from books I read, but they all led into one — with more or less the same end. And in most cases, it was a happy one. Some people even try to recreate this phenomenon on purpose, but I wouldn’t ever advice to follow those groups. There’re things we shouldn’t be aware of. I immediately recognized this feeling, I was in the same incorrect puzzle before, but I played on the other side, as an enemy. There were several pictures of events I saw ahead, but I forgot the last time I had any dreams at night, I couldn’t have matched my thoughts.

Weeks went on, and it was not too many days to wait until the culmination, COVID-19 was also close enough. In the middle of nowhere, I had to ignore any circumstances, to calm down and to pull myself together. I caught that momentum twice or more, starting to experience severe health anxiety, even though I was able to get home from a few events I was visiting with no problem and had a chance to sleep like dead several times. I do recall I dropped alcohol — one or two beers and a bottle of whiskey in a year. Everyone should have at least one bottle at home, just in case monsters will start fighting with you. I didn’t give a fuck about any other shit that was happening around, and there was so much shit I must admit, damn — how much shit was there and someone was trying to throw this shit at me! Not grounded, nor legal accusations, shitting on my activities, random bribes or hell what else!

And I made it… I found myself completely broken down by pieces in a complete isolation from people, slowly rotting in the dark with a need to build myself from scratch. Those parts of me were mirrored, like in a bad trip, but without any drugs or drinks.I understood what’s happening to my brain & body — I was dying indeed.

As an adequate guy, approaching the serious issue — I blessed those who I admired the most over private messages. I called my parents to say goodbye and apologised that I didn’t have time for my family. I asked few friends to come around to party with “the last wine”. I took phone numbers of my favourite girls from a coffee shop and asked them out for a beer to firewall. Meanwhile, I went to church to pray and this was all I could do. I sat down and I was waiting for it to come over. Few months earlier I even blessed leftover friends on Facebook with a public post.

I prayed to teleport over a better place. I changed several perceptions right away and I even started to pray before going to bed. I left the country for a chance to stay with my family for a while and… It’s suddenly all gone like it’s never been there before. Was it someone’s joke, a stranger following me around or a shadow of creature? I have no fucking clue. I hardly could eat, shit, walk, but I could do mental exercises and that’s what might’ve saved me. I regularly played the piano before, but it couldn’t have helped me anymore.

Once I moved back home and spent 6 months completely sleeping and hardly moving. I decided to start running few times a week during previous summer, and it was a extremely bad idea! I suddenly lost so much weight with no reason and there were almost no activity, my blood pressure has never been that unstable and it’s not about smoking — I gave it up as well.

There’s one good aspect of this momentum story, I firmly believe all events are mirrored in a parallel, whatever I was doing before this started to happen is now flipped upside down. In the interim, I learnt a great lesson — whatever I do, regardless anything, I need to finish this till the end. I was among those who was able to survive by chance from an absolute breakdown. Things like work, money, power, discrimination and bribes all could wait. And I hope I’ll be able to kick your asses for throwing that shit at me once upon a time. This floating shit is slowly sinking down. And I sincerely hope my friends and cycles will find more other purposes to laugh at next time, leaving their “best-in-class” business proposals for their own families. We live in a cultural society - I didn’t ask anyone for an individual approach, but that’s the reason why I got back to writing.