Mindset … Your History … Procrastination
Your 3 Hidden Obstacles to Your Success Now
When You Get These 3 Right Success Flows Naturally
Sometimes obstacles are readily visible. They look like razor wire or giant boulders creating a barrier to your path forward. Sometimes they are hidden like punji sticks.
Whether visible or hidden they can be lethal to your goals and to your dreams. We are often aware of situations or habits without fully realizing how destructive they are as they form a barrier to our progress.
This is the third in a series of six articles about the first pillar of a happy and successful life which is all about your relationship with yourself.
Let’s look at 3 obstacles to achieving the success you desire and how they have you stymied and not moving forward the way you want to. For each of us the degree to which they are visible and the degree to which they are hidden will be different. We will look at both.
Your challenge …. should you choose to accept it … is to determine where yours are hidden and look to identify those things as the first step towards removing them as barriers to your forward momentum. You can’t remove what you can’t see.
Hidden Obstacle #1 to Achieving Success Now -Your History
As we grow into adulthood we bring our childhood along with us. That may be a love of baseball or a love of ballet. Even if we no longer play ball or dance we cherish great memories of our participation. Perhaps that has morphed from active participation to passive participation as a spectator.
If a favorite aunt always said yellow was your color, you may find yourself choosing yellow more frequently when shopping for a new shirt.
If you were a straight A student and school came easy for you, that brings a sense of academic confidence into adulthood. You have an expectation of learning new things easily.
Not everything from our history is positive. Some are fortunate and the positive things they carry into adulthood far outnumber the negative. Others are less fortunate and the negative things outnumber the positives by a mile.
If you grew up being physically abused it is likely that fear about others reactions in particular situations and anger are continuing to be the legacy of your childhood.
If you grew up being sexually abused there is a strong likelihood you will struggle with intimacy physically (ranging from frigidity to promiscuity) and if not physically then at least emotionally (everything from neediness to trust issues and boundary issues).
If you grew up being emotionally abused, including schoolyard bullying, the voices in the back of your head may seem impossible to quiet. You know the ones; you’re to stupid to … , you’re fat … , no one like you because …, what makes you think that …
To learn more about your story and how to quiet the voices check out this article https://readmedium.com/3-absolutely-essential-reasons-to-know-yourself-47b9ef878006?sk=2d635868cb8f21786d19b82a2d778b7b
If the majority of your stories from your childhood were negative and hurtful you will have more boulders and more razor wire to deal with. If you have more positive stories your obstacles my be less intimidating. Regardless of the nature and extent of your stories until they are dealt with, they will impede your progress.
A common misperception is that yes these are painful memories but they don’t impact the present. WRONG! These are hidden obstacles with a very real impact on the present.
In a nutshell you can separate your story from other peoples stories which have become intertwined with yours. You feel like they are your story because you were told they are, when it reality they are their story for which you have paid a price.
Physical abuse and sexual abuse are inevitably intertwined with emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can be there even if physical or sexual abuse is not present.
In the majority of instances when someone is being abused at home, they might as well hang a sign on their forehead inviting bullying … This is not to say others aren’t bullied but for those experiencing abuse at home the bullying at school becomes a deadly 1–2 punch that is carried into adulthood.
The feelings and the voices we carry into adulthood have a life long impact until they are silenced. Will power will get you so far, but not all the way. Goals will get you so far, but not all the way. Focus and determination will get you so far, but not all the way. Even courage will get you so far, but not all the way.
It is only when you have the courage and the tools to own your story and to identify and disengage the scenarios and the voices that are not about you, that the obstacles of your history will begin to crumble.
Watch for my soon to be released course THE Beginner’s Guide to You — Your Relationship With Yourself
Hidden Obstacle #2 to Achieving Success Now -Procrastination
Procrastination is a part of a never ending self perpetuating cycle of … Fear … Lack of Clarity … Procrastination. They feed on one another.
Procrastination is the part of the cycle we are most likely to recognize. One of the reasons we fear something is a lack of clarity as to what is actually involved. Without clarity we procrastinate taking action because we don’t know exactly what to do.
This cycles back to fear because we know we need to do something but we don’t know what. Lacking clarity we make feeble attempts at something. It doesn’t work. We get frustrated. Fear raises it’s head again and around and around we go on a merry-go-round that never stops.
Then the kindred spirit of rationalization pops up. We come up with an amazing array of reasons why nothing is working in spite of our efforts and these are all the reasons why it’s not our fault.
Do things like …. I don’t have enough money … I don’t have enough time … I don’t have the connections I need for that to happen … or … Do any of those sound familiar? What is something else you hear?
Rationalizations are nothing more than fear on legs. If they can stand on their own then we are not responsible. Who wants to be responsible for choosing to procrastinate?
Perhaps you have shared a goal with a friend. Nothing is happening. Your friend is curious about your progress. They are hoping for good news to celebrate with you (or they secretly want you to fail so they won’t feel inadequate due to their own procrastination) and when you can’t share any progress you rationalize your lack of progress so as not to be viewed as a flake.
The cycle of procrastination can be broken at any point. Once it is disrupted there are a variety of strategies available to move beyond it.
Gene Brown said
“The bridges that you cross before you come to them are over rivers that aren’t there”.
Essentially this is commonly what fear is. It is anticipating the possibility of something that may never happen. It is a waste of time and energy.
Lack of clarity is incredibly common. We have a general idea of what we want without specifically knowing all of the details of what that looks like. Before we can formulate a plan and set achievable goals to take us there we need to to have refined the details of where we want to go and what we want to accomplish so we can plan appropriately.
Download THE 7 Pillars of a Happy & Successful Life to assist you in this process https://www.adalloyd.com/7pillars.
We tend to procrastinate things we are uncomfortable with.
We dislike them.
We lack confidence in our ability to do them (fear).
As an example if there are two things I need to do for my business and one involves technology and one doesn’t I can guarantee you the one I do first is the one that doesn’t involve technology.
If I procrastinate the one involving technology for an hour or two it is no big deal. Even a day or two may not be a problem …. but a week or more can become a major problem for me.
Here is what I have learned that works for me. I am passionate about the importance of keeping commitments to myself. I break that tech project down into tiny pieces. I make a commitment to myself to complete the first piece and focus on my commitment to myself rather than on the tech. That pivot in focus totally changes the dynamic of the process.
Most of my clients have found this is a successful way of dealing with things they know they are vulnerable to procrastinating.
The sad truth is that when we choose to procrastinate we choose to tell ourselves that we don’t matter enough to keep our promises to ourselves. I doubt that is a message you want to send yourself. I know it’s not a message I want to send myself.
Hidden Obstacle #3 to Achieving Success Now -Mindset
Mindset is the single most import factor in determining the substance of your lives. It is all about your perspective which impacts your life on so many levels. A part of this goes back to those legacies we carry forth from childhood and part of it is the result of adult choices.
Biases and prejudices are a part of mindset. Faith and confidence are a part of mindset. For greater clarity let’s look at some examples.
If you father worked for a company where he was never able to progress, and he constantly complained that the owners were thieves who took advantage of employees and customers alike how might that affect your mindset?
Assume you were offered a great job with a reputable company. Would you turn it down because the owners must be thieves? Would you accept the job with a bad attitude looking for proof that in reality they were actually thieves?
Would you be capable of setting aside that mindset, accepting the job, excelling and feeling worthy of success without feeling like you were betraying your father?
If you had always enjoyed tinkering with things and figuring out how they worked and subsequently earned a degree in engineering where you graduated at the top of your class how might that affect your mindset?
You have an expectation that you can solve problems and figure things out. What are the odds of you being successful as opposed to your classmate who is always telling him or herself that they can never get it right?
Think of mindset as a pair of glasses through which you see the world. Do you see possibilities and opportunities, or do you see difficulties and disappointments. That choice represents your ultimate freedom.
Is it fair that one child is raised surrounded with positivity and has the confidence that they can do whatever they set their mind to while another child is raised to believe the world is a hard and hurtful place where they are destined to fail?
Of course it is not fair. But then who ever said life was fair. Joanne Greenberg immortalized these words in her novel
“I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.”
Fair or not the ultimate choice still remains in our hands. I love the words of Stephen Covey when he said
“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.”
The child raised surrounded with positivity may choose to feel entitled to all the good things in life without having to work for them. The child raised in challenging circumstances may choose to defy the circumstances of their birth by making decisions that will catapult them forward toward success as they see their dreams becoming their reality.
In the final analysis we all have obstacles. What matters is what we choose to do about them. Some come out of the gate with more obstacles than others, while others have less. There are seasons of life where it feels as though obstacles are springing up everywhere and multiplying like jackrabbits and other periods of relative calm.
Through it all there is one constant and that is your power of choice. Would you like to know more about using the power of choice to more effectively overcome the obstacles in your life? Reach out to me at [email protected]
Bonus Tip
When you fully embrace the idea that the quality of your life is more about you attitude and your choices than about your circumstances it will change you life in so many positive ways. You will find lasers to break up boulders and ladders to climb over razor wire as you see your dreams becoming your reality.