The mindfulness industry is about to be DISRUPTED with claws, scales, and scads of reptilian cuteness

Mindfulness With Your Giant Lizard

Bros, you’ve been doing mindfulness and meditation all wrong!

The Mindfulness Industrial Complex has been experiencing incendiary growth in recent years. Warren Muppet, Melon Husk, and all the other billionaires are investing entire economies of Eastern European nations into mindfulness startups.

The industry is reporting a 14,000% growth rate with a $20 quadrillion market cap because of how easy it is to sell. I mean, why worry about things like your neofeudalistic country being on the verge of collapse: you can sit in your beautifully minimalist living room overlooking the San Francisco Bay, have some free-range herbal tea as you ignore the tent cities, and just meditate your problems away!

But I, a shitposting herpetology hobbyist, plan on disrupting the mindfulness industry with my team.

And giant lizards.

You’re doing mindfulness all wrong. Who really wants to sit around bickering about their soul-sucking jobs or investor-pleasing woes while gentrifying neighborhoods, when you can just get yourself a 6-foot water monitor, tegu, or varanus and get in touch with this whole new side of yourself?

Here’s how!

You can forget all about your first world problems when you’re trying to get your lizard off the roof.

Giant lizards love to climb on things, like trees, buildings, 7–11 shelves, and you.

You’re going to stop giving a shit about the stupidly-named startup you work for and how you’ve made it to almost 40 without having cultivated any personality traits when you have to frantically chase your monitor lizard and get them out of these places. You now have but one focus: get that lizard down before someone makes a viral TikTok about it.

Plus, it’s great exercise and you don’t need to buy a $3,000 bike that won’t start unless you pay it $100/month for a virtual instructor to neg you. Why do that when you can run after a giant lizard, pry it off of your home’s roof, then weight-train your shoulders taking him back in, all for FREE?!

Your inner critic is silenced by claws.

You, a white man in San Francisco named Brad whose life plans and professional qualifications are never questioned, are nonetheless plagued by this irksome inner critic constantly telling you to keep achieving and being an even bigger better disruptor than your neighbor Chad, who raised more venture capital than you and is now funding stupidly-named companies instead of working at one.

Well Brad, you need a giant lizard. Because your inner critic will shut the hell up when you’ve suddenly got 10 sharp claws driven by 50 pounds of reptile scaling your torso like the Matterhorn, because that playful dinosaur puppy is excited to see you.

Your inner critic completely dies when that hungry monitor smells that steak dinner on you, and wants to see if you taste like a steak. You aren’t thinking about making the next killer app now that you’ve got one nasty gash! Instead, you treat the wound and focus on getting your giant lizard to stop thinking your arm is a rotisserie chicken instead of competing with every other bro who’s acing this meditation thing.

Our lizard evangelist, Stock Doucheford, had this to say:

“I got so caught up in the Silicon Valley hustle that I forgot all about my true passions and purpose. After I downloaded the Mindfulness with Giant Lizards app, a courier showed up two days later with my black throat monitor and I knew my life was going to change. You’re just no longer thinking about trading up apartments or Karen from product management when all you can do is scream ‘OWW! OH GOD GET HIM OFF ME! He’s tearing into my liver!’”

Stock rolls up his shirt sleeve to show how marvelously his skin grafts healed. “Sharky has a nicer temperament now, and he’s made me SO much more aware of my environment. The time I spent in the hospital was a meditative state where I realized my true life’s meaning: to become a lizard evangelist!”

Big lizards really give you headspace to achieve ultimate mindfulness!

Giant lizards teach you how to slow down.

You know how monitor lizards get their name? They literally monitor the situation. They poke around, they do tongue flicks to investigate things. They even turn their heads when they’re eating “inanimate” food like store-bought meat and Croc Chow pellets, to survey the environment and ensure that food can be jammed down their gullets.

Look at how they lumber through their landscape. They’re so mindful because they just slowly take in their environment and listen to everything around them.

You can too, with the bonus of monitor kisses. Just don’t cover yourself in raw meat before letting yours sit in your lap.

Head to lizardmindfulness.io today to achieve that ULTIMATE disruptive mindful meditative state you’ve been dreaming of, with reptilian assistance!