Mindful Interpersonal Dynamics
The benefits of honorable rules of engagement
Living by esteem-building relational standards entails carrying out values and rules of conduct that exemplify integrity and what is honorable. To be specific, I’m referring to relationships that are supported by principled rules of engagement, meaning critical thinking, accountability, dependability, empathy, a willingness to show up for difficult conversations, and the character to respectfully oppose what does not align with one’s well-being. This sort of interpersonal conduct fosters maturity, authenticity, compassion and love of self and others.
Although this way of operating is crucial to mental health, for complex trauma survivors/thrivers such as myself, and for those I render treatment to in my clinical practice, creating a blueprint of standards, boundaries and limits reflective of one’s moral principles and values was an impossible task. Indeed, there was a time in my life when I routinely co-created and enabled dysfunctional values and dynamics.
Sifting through memories from my past reveals injurious exchanges. Defensiveness would morph into insinuating I was delusional, too sensitive, completely mistaken and off-base. Moreover, the disorienting premise that nothing had occurred, that I was operating from complete fabrication, would knock me off balance.
The repercussions from these relational dynamics was far greater than the feared consequences of maintaining priorities and boundaries. At the time however, I willingly participated in this macabre dance. Intensity was misconstrued as intimacy and control was mistaken for nurturance. It felt normal.
Shackled to annihilating demands, essential desires had to be abdicated. Paradoxically, accommodating abusive interpersonal dynamics such as stonewalling, character assassination, boundary violations, and constant ridicule ensured self-preservation. Groomed to fawn and over-function to appease aggression and dodge the prospect of rejection and abandonment, the assertion of healthy relational conditions and standards became obsolete.
For those of us whose survival meant subordinating to the oppressive needs of toxic family members, the developmental milestone of asserting autonomous needs was simply not attainable. Like many complex trauma survivors I was oblivious to how the repercussions of over-extending, allowing transgressions, tolerating exploitation and enabling that which should be refused was harming me. It’s only in hindsight that I understand how corrosive and toxic this codependent pattern was.
Considering that recovery and growth necessitates achieving relationships that exhibit the sort of composure and maturity that results from humility and compassion, dismantling toxic relational patterns and extensively healing attachment injuries are critical goals. Undeniably, undoing these destructive behaviors so as to develop healthy ways to connect to others, is a challenging task. Of course, this undertaking is not just restricted to those who were victims of systemic abuse.
There is an extensive need for all people to evaluate their capacity for healthy intimacy, especially in a climate in which volatile, aggressive bickering has become a culturally lauded way of communicating.
In fact, “research indicates that disrespect and incivility are on the rise…One very recent study by Portland State University underscores the idea that the more we see and experience people being disrespectful, the more likely we are to behave disrespectfully too.” (Forbes, Sept. 2021)
Social psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm emphasized that cultivating meaningful relationships has little to do with the pursuit of a sentimental experience and everything to do with the mechanics involved in mastering the skills of care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. He stressed that one needs to evince self-love through the act of cultivating personal character, in order to responsibly love another.
Fromm’s message suggests that along with the pursuit of self-realization, a practical strategic approach is a crucial component of actualizing healthy relational dynamics. So, in the spirit of offering a logistical nuts and bolts template of relational guidelines, what follows is a detailed synopsis of essential character-building traits that comprise mindful interaction.
- Critical thinking
Our capacity to be receptive and caring rests on our willingness to exercise critical thinking, as it is driven by the commitment to elucidate commonalities, motives and disparate points of view.
To think critically is to analyze variable facts and perspectives with the intent of effectively appraising an issue from all sides. Engaging in this intellectual process allows for differences and enhances one’s ability to appreciate alternate realities and perceptions.
When differing world-views are afforded the space to fully communicate, the intention is not to convince or outsmart, but rather to understand. With respect for others’ perceptions in place, meaningful dialogue can ensue. A space is created for what humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers and psychologist/educator Richard Farson referred to as active listening.
- Accountability
To be accountable means to willingly own up to one’s actions. It’s to take the high road and humbly examine one’s part in any debacle no matter how big or small. As Indian political activist Mahatma Gandhi pointed out, “It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one’s acts.” This statement beautifully sums up the essence of accountability.
Dodging accountability, intentional or not, is a blatant refusal to honestly assume responsibility for a relational struggle. Instead disagreements are met with oppositional defiance, condescending derision or trivializing. The person seeking resolution is left with feelings of defeat and disappointment. Impotence leads one to either walk away from the relationship or with resignation, one concedes to put up with a toxic dynamic.
It’s relevant to consider that proffering accountability in the form of an apology is not necessarily the golden ticket. One always has to consider if the apology is earnest or a self serving manipulation devoid of change. Moreover, depending on the conflict, it doesn’t mean the relationship can be restored. A point of no return doesn’t dismiss or trivialize the apology. It simply realistically signifies dealbreakers and personal preferences.
- Dependability
Being dependable is demonstrated through basic gestures, from showing up for phone calls and social plans to providing emotional support. When there is a consistent matching of words and behavior, feelings of security and safety permeate the connection. Relationships are strengthened by steadfast certainty and intimacy and trust deepens as genuine efforts are made to deliver on one’s promises.
Without dependability instability and feelings of neglect and disappointment ensue. This corrodes the foundation of a relationship, thus dooming it to fail.
- Empathy
Understanding what others are going through on a visceral emotional level communicates empathic concern for their suffering. Whether it be on individual or collective levels, this essential interpersonal ability encourages caregiving, cooperation and prosocial behaviors.
Although empathically responding to signals of distress and need can foster meaningful connections and moral development, research and polls indicate that callous disregard is currently taking precedence. This collective indifference towards the suffering of others was explored in a Scientific America opinion piece, The U.S. Has an Empathy Deficit.
Empathy building strategies such as bravely embodying vulnerability or volunteering to help underserved folks can be instrumental in alleviating traumatic loneliness by emphasizing our humanity and recognizing the many ways in which we are more alike than we are different.
- Showing up for difficult conversations
Needless to say, conflict is rife with tension. The urge to avoid and defensively sequester with righteous indignation is common. As expected, this inclination foments mounting pressure, eventually causing one to implode and explode.
As the French novelist/journalist Émile Zola reminds us, “When truth is buried underground it grows, it chokes, it gathers such an explosive force that on the day it bursts out, it blows up everything with it.”
Worse still, when acrimonious backlash replaces meaningful dialogue and potential discourse is habitually shut down, our day-to-day interactions deteriorate. Our capacity to hold a space for differing perspectives wanes. As a result, the importance of respectfully addressing conflict atrophies into an intimidating, pointless pursuit.
It stands to reason that the gains of nurturing the capacity for diplomacy and conflict resolution far outweigh the inclination to avoid disagreements. Putting in the effort to work through conflict builds confidence and dynamic collaborative relationships. It allows for the healthy expression of complex emotions which would otherwise be suppressed or repressed. Moreover, showing up for difficult conversations makes them less ‘difficult’ as acquiring skills and agency can diminish what is perceived as a threat.
- Opposing what does not align with one’s well-being (with civility)
In a recent piece I authored about the merits of nonconformity, I emphasized how embodying power requires one to uphold one’s truth and ‘ascribe to personal principles and abstract reasoning, irrespective of societal mandates or even the need to belong’. In other words, when our general well-being is negatively impacted by agreeing with that which conflicts with what feels intrinsically correct, we are challenged to take a stand. To not do so can incur negative repercussions in the form of “addiction, hostility, decreased empathy, chronic stress, loneliness, and apathy, to name a few.”
Similar to sharing an unpopular opinion, asserting limits and boundaries that assert what you don’t want can be met with downright unpleasant reactions. Yet resisting coercion and remaining firm is imperative to self care and personal growth. It is critical to living an authentic life and aligning with what truly enriches.
As American educator Stephen Covey imparted, “You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage pleasantly, smilingly, and non-apologetically — to say no to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger yes burning inside.”
