Mind Your Manners

The very foundation of your success depends on your social skills.

I used to joke that in order to be born into my family, you had to have impeccable table manners.

Growing up, I loathed the constant corrections my mother served up with dinner every night.

No elbows on the table.

Here’s how to properly hold a fork.

Learn how to set a proper table.

The napkin goes in your lap immediately when you sit down at the table.

Wait until the hostess is seated before sitting down.

Wait until the hostess starts her course before starting yours.

Say “please” and “thank you.”

So many rules! So much to remember! Why couldn’t we relax and eat? I was starving!

All I wanted to do was eat my macaroni and cheese.

We’d prattle on and on about our days, current events, politics, and religion, while dining as though we’d been invited to dine at Buckingham Palace with the Queen herself. In fact, dining with the Queen was often offered as incentive for good manners.

Elbows on the table were often met with a sharp, “What if the Queen were here?”

It never occurred to me or my brother that the chances of the Queen of England showing up in our suburban Minneapolis home were slim to none.

And so we sat up straight and did our best to dine with the best manners possible.

I didn’t really appreciate my lessons in table manners until college. It was during those Monday dinners in my sorority house that I finally saw the wisdom of my mother’s ways. One member served as the Etiquette Chair. She drilled us in the rules and virtues of good manners once a quarter. And we’d practice those manners each Monday evening before our house meeting.

Gratitude filled me as I watched many of my sisters stumble as they learned the finer points of table manners. The only rule that was new to me was the rule about polite dinner conversaion. I grew up in a family that enjoyed a healthy debate — and debate at the family dinner table is fine.

Debate at a dinner party with friends or acquaintences? Not so much.

Regardless, it wasn’t hard for me to adapt.

We learned that proper manners would be important as we applied to jobs after college and graduate school.

Good manners create an impression in people’s minds. Your resume can be the most impressive in the pile, and they’ll give the job to the candidate with better manners. This turned out to be one of the most important lessons I learned in college.

Mastering the rules as a child made those Monday dinners easy for me. I was relaxed and comfortable. Mastering the rules made adulthood easy for me, I already knew how to act in formal situations. And when one is at ease in any element, they are able to put others at ease.

Having good manners helps me to overcome my introversion when walking into a new situation. I may not know anyone’s name, but I know the social norms and rules well enough to be able to strike up a conversation with a stranger — although it’s usually awkward because I feel like I do better on paper than in person.

Dress appropriately for the occasion.

Introduce yourself.

Find something you have in common, even if it’s the event and talk about that.

Ask questions and listen to the answers.

When in doubt, talk about the weather.

Compliment them on something.

Treat everyone as if they are important.

Say “please” and “thank you.”

And, as long as I stay away from the juicy conversation topics like politics and religion I’m ok.

Except when I’m in a situation where someone either doesn’t know the rules or refuses to follow them. That’s uncomfortable for everyone. And, I assure you, not following rules and social norms does nothing for you except to make you look like a jerk.

I’m not talking about the finer points of dining here, either. Not knowing what fork to use is a minor detail. No biggie (hint, just use the utensil that the host or hostess is using). I’m talking about introducing yourself with a 10 minute soliloquy on how great you are. Asking questions and ignoring the answers. Complaining about the event or the host. Or being down right rude to the service people.

These mistakes make you look arrogant, self centered, and unimportant — as much as you may think that they make you look otherwise.

No one wants to spend much time with someone like that. No one wants to work with someone like that. And surely, no one wants someone like that to be the face of their company.

The most successful people I know mind their manners. In doing so, they show respect for those around them. And they gain the respect of those around them. Do what the successful people do.

Mind your manners.

Kim Funk is a freelance writer who lives in a small town outside of Minneapolis, MN. She writes about freelancing, small towns, being a hockey parent, and life after divorce. And she’s trying really hard not to be a perfectionist.