Mild Weather Causes Devastation In English Town

Strong winds and a prolonged drizzle have left many wondering if life will ever be the same again

This morning, residents of a small English town were devastated by what the local news is calling “the drizzle from Brazil.”

From nine o’clock yesterday evening the town of Trentonborough-on-Sea was hit by gale force winds of up to 20mph, prolonged showers and temperatures as low as 5 degrees Celsius. Anyone unfortunate enough to be caught outside found themselves thoroughly dampened, had their umbrellas blown inside out, and needed a nice cup of tea to warm them through when they got home.

Some worry things will never be the same again.

Sheila, a woman local to the area, described the harrowing experience: “I was watching Strictly Come Dancing and heard the wind outside. I had to turn the telly up. I looked out to see what was going on and saw our neighbour Mavis slip and hit the deck. The clumsy old cow! What the hell she was doing out there at that hour I have no idea, but I suspect she’d been on the sherry again. We just left her to it.”

Residents went to bed that evening not knowing if anything would be left standing when they woke up. The next morning their worst fears were realised.

“It was like the end of the world,” a resident explained, hands shaking. “I woke up to check if the bin men had come. It was bin day, you see. But there was rubbish everywhere. All blown over in the night. Usually a couple have been kicked over, you know, by kids and that, but this time there were at least twice as many.”

This isn’t the first time Trentonborough has been the victim of extremely-mild weather.

This past summer there was a hosepipe ban as temperatures reached a sizzling 21 degrees Celsius, and the previous three winters have seen a shortage of grit, leaving many too scared to leave their homes.

Many wonder why the local council seem unprepared for any virtually any weather condition, but they were assured that this is normal throughout the country.

A man, who refused to give his name, told me: “Everyone’s saying it’s that global warming... or what is it now, climate change? I’ll tell you what’s changed. It’s those bloody immigrants coming over here, bringing their weather with them. I’ve been saying it for years, ever since that curry house opened down the road.”

The local news explained it is a result of typical easterly winds across the Atlantic, hence the moniker “the drizzle from Brazil.” But this has only served to anger local residents, with many of them taking to the streets to wave their Union Jacks in protest.

“I thought we’d left Europe?” one woman said. “Don’t those bastards from Brussels understand? We don’t want their money, we don’t want their people, and we don’t want their weather! Brexit means BREXIT!”

Police have already been called in after an argument about where Brazil actually was turned to violence. Regional officers are now on standby with riot gear, attack dogs and small maps should things escalate further.

Meanwhile, the football match scheduled for later this evening has been called off with the club simultaneously blaming a flooded pitch, a fear of hooliganism, and serious wind damage to the corner flags. Some cynics are saying it’s nothing but excuses because the team is crap and they just don’t want to get beat again.

Elsewhere, fearing a shortage of essential items, residents have already ransacked the local Co-op of toilet rolls, pasta and tinned food, with many hunkering down waiting for the end to come.

But when the dust settles, if it ever does, the residents of Trentonborough are slowly coming to terms with a new normal. And while the physical damage is small, discounting the results of Mavis’ X-Ray, the emotional damage caused could take a life time to heal.

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