Middle-Aged Me Giving A Rat’s Arse
I’m grey, gorgeous, horny, and happy so screw you all
It’s my birthday and I’m 365 days away from officially being halfway-to-100. I may also be slightly hungover from last night’s festivities which included a whoppin’ two sugary drinks, an overpriced hotel, and Gal Pals.
Even though I’m “older” and “past my prime,” I don’t give a rat’s ass about what society thinks of me. I am writing my truth. MonalisaSmiled
Encouraged by Sarah Jessica Parker’s sterling locks and MonalisaSmiled and Teresa J Conway 🧚🏻♀️’s hilarious comments, here is my response to Amy Sea’s list (in bold).
- I’m not Dead yet.
I’m not dead yet. My liver, on the other hand, has recently purchased a plot and headstone. Not sure if that’s because life is more stressful and, ahem, Covid, or because I can finally afford more than two trips a year to the liquor store.
2. “I’m further away from the selfish, stupid asshat who did dangerous things that I managed to survive.”
Well, I may not jump off second-story balconies into shallow pools or be trippin’ acid with strangers on a Fijian island anymore but I still manage to do ridiculously stupid crap all the time. Isn't that merely part of being a human being?
3. I haven’t passed out drunk since high school.
Being a Top-Level Steve Urkel in high school means I didn’t pass out then. I saved that for university. And for a couple of summers ago when I modeled to my preteens why a full bottle of wine in an hour is a horrific idea. See #2 stupid crap.
4. Half of the world is younger than me and half of the world is older — so. I can feel young or old depending on who I hang out with.
Half the cis-female world still ovulates and the other half of us no longer shell out for chemical-soaked tampons. I can shiver and hot flash with the best of them and yet I’m young enough that I can still sympathize with the need for heating pads and barrel-sized bottles of Advil.
5. When I miss my grandma, I can look in the mirror.
When I want to see my mom, I flip my paws and gaze at the continent-shaped age spots on the world map of my dorsal-hands. When I want to think of my dad I simply fondle my chin hair.
6. I no longer wear an underwire bra. I wear a sports bra or no bra. I cannot see the point of imprisoning my breasts or altering their outward appearance for passers-by.
My paycheque is at last large enough to support an underwire bra addiction. Because something has to keep these fine orbs from slipping into my socks. This may imprison the afore-mentioned booby sacs but it also stops passers-by from tripping over them.
7. No one’s called me a slut in years — not to my face.
No one has called me a slut until recently. And now I am linguistically reclaiming the word Whore. When you’re almost 50 you realize that no one else’s opinions really matter. They’re probably just jealous that their genitalia has morphed into apple dolls.
8. When people are boring, I give myself permission to turn around and talk to someone else. If they’re also dull, I move down the line. Life is shorter than it used to be.
When people are boring I easily announce, “Oh, sorry, in-laws, but we can’t make that event.”
9. I can swear as much as I want to and still sound smart.
“Remember when mom yelled at us for swearing when we said ‘for crying out loud’?” My kids reminisced a couple of weeks ago. “Yeah, and now she uses the f word like more than she breathes.” Yep, I do. I may not sound smart. But I am. Some studies claim sputtering curse words actually means you’re super mensa.
10. I’ve known my oldest friends for 40 years.
We packed up and changed townships many times during my childhood. So my longest friendships only go back to high school — which is still ice age-ish, really. Anyone who stuck with me through my hair-permed-tighter-than-my-pubes phase is a good friend indeed.
Your turn. What about you? How are you celebrating Middle Age? No, not The Middle Ages. Even if sometimes, especially after two alcoholic bevvies, it may feel as though I was conceived at the same time as Joan of Arc.
©Jennifer J. McDougall 2021
Inspiration for this piece: